HSSH

It stands for “High School Sweet-heart”.  And he was.  He is also the bio-father of 4 of my kids, and the adopted dad of 2.  We were married from 1991 until 2007, when the divorce he filed for was finalized.

I’ve never been hurt deeper.  Been more angry.  Been more frustrated.  Been more devastated.  Been more in love with anyone.

I still love him. 

I hate all of this with a passion.  I just want it all to go away, and to start over fresh.

It is never simple is it?  It never made sense from the first day he walked out on us.  We had been through too many hard times to give up now.

How could he just walk away?

I know now that he wasn’t just walking away.  He was running away.  He didn’t only leave me and the kids.  He left everyone and everything that was his life.  He left our town.  He left 1/2 of his siblings.  He was running from his life and every choice he had ever made.

The problem with running away from yourself and your life is that everywhere you go, there you are.

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side.

The grass on this side of the fence had been far from perfect.  There are, and were more weeds in this grass than I’d like to count.  But, the grass on the other side of the fence is not even real.  It’s Astroturf, with a foundation of concrete.

I’ve never wanted to bash him publicly, or say anything that I wouldn’t want him to read.  I hope that I never do, and that I haven't.  I get tired of doing the right thing and there never being any positive turn-around.

It isn’t that I don’t want him to be a part of the kids lives.  I do, that is the problem.  The crumbs he throws from the life he’s ran to, are pathetic.

When he called yesterday, I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen.  I wanted to ignore his message.  I didn’t want to tell the kids he had called.  It would have been so easy to press delete and never tell them.

I had to call a friend to tell me that I needed to tell my kids.  I told her, “tell me that I need to tell them he called”.  She did.  I still didn't want to, but I did.

It wouldn't have been fair to them not to tell them.

When I prayed so long ago that God would do "whatever it took to make him into the man He wanted him to be", I never dreamed that it would be this hard.

I need grace to live and go on believing God isn't done with this yet, because I can't do it anymore.

So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion.
   It won't be long now, He's on the way; 
      He'll show up most any minute.
   But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
      if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.
But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.  --End of Hebrews 10, The Message

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, August 19, 2008

The Waiting…

I read this on Sarah's blog.  I love it when I don’t really have to come up with the words to describe what I feel or what happened.  Someone else already did it, and my heart is understood.

Wait on the Lord

Author Unknown

Wait on the Lord
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for due to my fate
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" My indignant reply
"Lord, I need to know answers, I need to know WHY!
Is your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By FAITH, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate,
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', or a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive,
And Lord I've been asking and this is my cry.
I'm weary of asking...I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel as His eyes wept with mine,
And tenderly said, "I COULD give you a sign;
I COULD shake the heavens, and darken the sun
I COULD raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
All you seek, I COULD give, and how pleased you would be.
You COULD have what you want - but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not know the depths of my love for each Saint:
You'd not know the power I give to the faint,
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save (for a start),
But you'd not know the depths of the best of my heart!
The glow of my comfort late in the night
The faith that I give when you walk without sight
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee
What it means that MY grace is sufficient for thee
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss if I've lost what I'm doing in you!

So be silent my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though my answers seem terribly late
my most precious answer of all is still 'WAIT.'"

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, August 18, 2008