Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Oldies but Goodies: Turn it Around God

 Tim @ Fort Thompson is hosting yet another great, and super easy blog carnival!  I am joining him this week by reposting this post from last April…

I have to add a small update though… James continues to be the one making the efforts with his dad, HSSH.  But, HSSH is making a small effort to come to James football games this year.  He’s been to 1/2. 

And me… my heart continues to break for HSSH… and see how God keeps bringing up Psalms 37 like I said yesterday?  Sunday in church we sang a hymn.  I could not sing a word of it… the tears were too heavy on my heart…

“I have a Savior, He’s pleading in glory,

A dear loving Savior, tho’ earth-friends be few;

And now He is watching in tenderness  o’er me,

And oh, that my Savior were your Savior too.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

I am praying for you.”

Now the old post…

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

Catchup

It’s Labor Day.

My 4 oldest are all off somewhere.

My 2 youngest are arguing over new toys.

I’ve spent the better of the weekend playing with pictures.

My house is showing the results of that.

It’s time for an update here though.

Time for some words rather than all pictures.

But, there will be pictures. For sure.

I think when I last left you with some personal thoughts about myself, I was talking about beef stew… there is more to that you know…

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of hearing one of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore, live, via simulcast.  Beth feels like a close friend to me, if you’ve walked this road long with me, you know that already. 

God has used Beth’s words to walk me through some tough (understatement of the century) days, and to say some hard stuff.  He’s also used them to encourage me & enlighten me.  Bring freedom to my soul. To speak His truth until I began to believe Him down to the marrow of my bones.

This time was not different.

The worship brought tears to my eyes, until I couldn’t contain them … so much thankfulness in my heart.  Thankfulness that God has brought me through living hell & that I have joy in my life again.

How do I put words to what my heart feels?  I can’t.  I really can’t.  He really is good.  All the time.  He really can work miracles in our hearts if we will let Him.  Even when the circumstances are unchanged. 

I think that’s the thing that gets me the most.  I didn’t believe that I could feel peace.  Could live life.  Could get on with things.  Not without changed circumstances.  I really didn’t believe it was possible.

Beth spoke on Psalms 37.  A chapter that God has brought me to over and over again in the past.  One reason that I have went to that chapter is that it talks about the evil around us and how much it seems that people get away with.  How unfair things feel.  How often doing the right things doesn’t seem to matter.  Admit it.  On earth it doesn’t feel like it matters sometimes.  And I long to understand that.  And to have peace with that.  And to still believe God despite that…

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong”

Psalms 37:1

Beth focused on the forth verse of this chapter for the bulk of the day.  The verse says…

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalms 37:4

What are the desires of our hearts?  One quote from Beth that was huge & takes some meditating on…

“Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desires”  --Beth Moore

What do you read there?  That’s deep.  You may have to write it down and pray about it like I am.

I want my heart’s desires to match up with God’s.  I have to go back over and over again and wonder if my heart’s desire to see a restored marriage is me or God.  I want to believe it’s God.  I do.  Could it become me?  Could it become my desire to not be wrong.  My pride.  My desire for a perfect, happy ending?  My desire for a storybook life?  Yes.  All too easily.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to speak to me on this issue.  Because I, in my flesh, in my contentment with my new normal, could easily say, “forget it”.  In fact I am quite happy with the way things are.  Putting a man like HSSH back in my life anytime soon would just mess with me all over again.  And even though I am so amazed by how God gets us through trials like this… I would NEVER willingly jump back into trial & tribulation & stress & yougetthepoint again.

So, I am listening to Beth… she is in the audience speaking to the ladies there.  She is asking them to tell her what they took away from the message on Friday evening.  One lady says to Beth, I have been praying for something for 15 years and your message last night just encouraged me so much to not give up.

Beth replies to her that she shouldn’t give up on that thing until “God releases her”.

My heart hears… “you have not been released, you can’t give up.”  I know what He’s talking about.

Later on, Beth is talking about three things that rob our joy…

Her quote was…

“What’s taking a bite out of my personal delight?  Because delight is our right.”

Beth used the acronym “JAW” to help us remember what is “biting” away at our delight.  JAW stands for Jealousy, Anger, & Worry.

Uh-huh…

So she is talking about jealousy, and asking what we are jealous about.  I am sitting there thinking about that.  Of course there is an argument in my mind.  Am I really jealous about that?  No, I don’t think I am.  Maybe.  Maybe that?

Beth suddenly says…

“We may say ‘they have my husband’ I promise you God’s gonna deal with that”

O. My. Word. How does God do that?  How does He do that?  HOW DOES HE DO THAT??  He is amazing!  Amazing I say. 

All that being said to say.  I am living in the most peaceful place I have been in in years.  I am loving it.  I am amazed by it.  I am still believing & praying for a miracle in my dead marriage.  But, it isn’t holding me captive.

God is Good.

Pam

Originally published @ You're Gonna Miss This