Seriously.

Christmas is a few days past… our lives have been running at a break-neck speed since, oh, sometime mid-November… I’ve been walking around, pretending to be a somewhat normal person… it’s been kinda nice.

Yesterday morning in church, I found myself full of emotion.  A mountain of feelings began to overflow, and could no longer be contained.

What is this?  I thought I was doing okay?

But.  I’m not.  Nothing about my life is normal.  Nothing about my circumstances are normal. Worry and Fear are trying to have their way with me.

I should be used to that by now though.  So what is my problem?  My problem is that I just can’t find it in myself to accept the way things are.  To be okay with them. 

Blah…

I don’t feel like this is coming out like it was running through my mind… maybe I should back up.

We really, really, really had a nice Christmas.  We did. It was peaceful.  Joyful.  A blessing.  I berate myself, because I know how much worse things could be and how blessed we truly are!

Except for that one-little-constant black cloud. 

You’ve probably been wondering how/if HSSH handled Christmas. 

Yeah. That.

Christmas morning.  He called.  When he knew we were in church.

I let the kids hear the message.  No one called him back.  Zach, in fact, was the only one that voiced any opinion.  He said, “I am not here, if you all call him back.”

No one else said a word.

I was torn.  What do I do?  Do I encourage them more to call him?

I wondered if Leah had heard the message, I didn’t think she was in the room when it played.  So by evening, I brought it up to her.  I asked if she had heard the message, and she said she had.  I asked her if she wanted to call him.  She quietly said, “no.”

The next day, day after Christmas, they get a card in the mail from him.  It has some money and a note… I feel like it is almost worse than being ignored completely.  A real slap in the face.

Again, I suggest that calling him to say thank you would probably be appropriate… again, no one says a word.  Again, I mention it to Leah on her own, she says, “not right now.”

I can’t come up with a way to explain to my 4 & 5 year old, who cannot read and don’t know the value of a $20 bill, that this is their gift from their dad… so I say nothing to them.

Time passes… and it is making me more and more upset… more angry… more frustrated… I think, I am more upset by this than they are… I believe that I am worrying about the long term ramifications of his choices…

I can’t fix this.  I can’t stop this.  I can’t change this.  All I can do is continue, as I have for over three years now, to cry out to the only One who can… and sometimes He seems incredibly silent.

*****************************************************

So, this morning I sit in church… and the pastor reads in Job and then in Proverbs…  In Job (38-41) where God answers Job’s question of “why”, putting Job in perspective (words I need to read daily)… and Job replies, finally in 42…

1 Then Job replied to the LORD :

2 "I know that you can do all things;
       no plan of yours can be thwarted.

3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
       Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
       things too wonderful for me to know.

4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.'

5 My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

6 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes."

…and my own thoughts go to places of repentance… repentance for the doubts, the fears, the anger, the frustration… everything that overwhelms me… over and over and over again.

And I face the place that my biggest problems lies.  Really.  My biggest problem is that I have to do what God is asking me to do.  I have to believe what He is asking me to believe.  And it makes no sense.  It is not reasonable.  Rational. Or comprehendible. 

If I didn’t care about HSSH, if I didn’t feel.  If I didn’t want things to be different than they are.  If I didn’t believe God could change things.  If I didn’t want God to change things.  If I didn’t love…

If I didn’t love.

How?  How can you love someone who treats us this way?  How?

I don’t know.

It’s not a human love.

It’s God’s love.

This must be a glimmer of the way that He loves us.  Has to be.

So… this must also be a glimmer of how He is hurt by us…  Has to be.

I confess, I don’t much like it… It leaves me vulnerable in a way I don’t like… sometimes I just want to walk away and pretend like I didn’t hear HIM say what I know He’s said…

But, He never walks away from us… in the midst of the hardship, I am still glad to be learning.  I am so Glad that He is God, and He loves like this, all the time… Like the pastor said yesterday, God will always find something about us to love, no matter what we have done… I have that same feeling about HSSH… how can that not be of God?

*************************************************

Leah and I were watching Prince Caspian the other day.  The scene was where the 4 children, and others walk, into the shrine where the stone table is, Aslan has not been seen for 100’s of years… they light the fire that goes all around the room and they see Aslan’s engraved picture on the wall… Looking at Aslan’s face, Lucy says, “He must know what he’s doing.”  They all look at each other, and Aslan, and Peter says, “I think it’s up to us now.”

I sat there thinking… that is what I feel… So often I begin to think that it is up to me to figure this out… I thought HE knew what HE was doing… I feel like they must have felt.  Like He must have forgotten us…

Leah turned and said to me… “that is just like we are as we wait for Jesus to return.  People think, ‘He’s not coming back’”

I told her she was right, I also told her that that is how we can be in our lives, when we think God has given us a promise here on earth, and so much time goes by…and God is no where to be seen… it must be up to us now…

She smiled.  She understood how I was feeling about HSSH, she feels the same way.

**************************************************

I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t tell you that I doubted my own words after that… I hoped I wasn’t giving her false hope… someone told me today, God’s reputation is His problem, not ours… I sure hope I never falsely represent Him… I also don’t want to miss a chance to believe for a miracle… with my kids.

I’ve already had one of my boys say that they are frustrated with God over this… it is so hard to wait, it is so hard to see them doubt…it is so hard to know the right thing to do.  What to say.  Too often I just say nothing.

James resists my authority… pushing to be grown up… I feel out of control there…

I dread, dread taking Kiahna back to preschool and dealing with her issues… she does so well at home, I just want to hide away with her and pretend she is okay… please?

I am going to wait until morning to hit publish on this… and if I feel peace about it I’ll post it… it may not make sense to anyone, I am not sure it even makes sense to me… but you’ll pray for your mixed up friend and her six kids anyway, won’t you? 

Maybe I’ll wake up and this will all go away… one can dream.

Pam

Originally Published at, You're Gonna Miss This, December 29, 2009

Keeping it real…

It is challenging sometimes to keep things real... wouldn't' you say?  First of all, we don't really like the reality we are living in.  Second, people can get hurt when we share the reality, as we see it.  And third, sometimes reality scares people away... and then again... sometimes it draws them in.

Does it scare you to bits to know the reality that my family and I have endured?  I was told once by a friend, that I was living out her worst nightmare, and that it made it hard for awhile to talk to me. 

Last week when I was so down... did it discourage you from reading?  Do you think that you dreaded coming and hearing what I had to say, because it was so full of pain?

Pain is part of our lives.  We all experience it.  We all get down.  Discouraged.  Frustrated.  Pretending like we don't is completely unrealistic.

Recently, one of my children had a conversation with a person that could not grasp the magnitude of what our family deals with.  This person told my child that they should be more positive.  More upbeat.  Work harder.  Do more.  My child did not measure up.

My child came home and was devastated.  It all snowballed in their mind.  It all became so much bigger than it was... and all the future problems came crashing down... all the what if's... all the unknowns... all the potential failures... all the inadequacies... all the doubts... all the pain.

You know what?  I listened to this child for 45 minutes... and tried to offer my support... and I had this incredible peace.   I have been in the place my child was so many times... I was just there last week... and I have every confidence that the SAME GOD who lifted this child out of a pit of mire, will lift that child out of a pit of mire... and HE will use this to bring healing and hope back into my child's life... same as HE has done for me... over and over again...

Do I want to become angry at this person for saying what they did?  Yes.  Should I?  Maybe?  Will it help?  No. 

I told my child that this person cannot understand.. this person has never been there. 

I told my child that they CAN understand... because they have been there...

Which is better?

Lord God Almighty... I am reminded today to pray.  To pray for my children to survive this season in our lives.. and for YOU to bring good out of all that has been intended for evil.  I can't do this... but YOU can.  I can't heal their pain.  YOU can.  I can't stop people from saying things that are wrong... but YOU can bring life lessons and help my children realize what NOT to say... YOU can make my children into sensitive, passionate, forgiving, loving, restored, adults... people who are not shallow or unaware... but are aware of life's pain, and YOUR ABILITY TO CARRY US THROUGH THE WORST OF THE WORST...

...and,as hard as it is.... I pray again for the father of these children... I pray blessing... I pray for eyes to be open... for YOUR angels to come and minister to him... in his sleep, in his depression, in every area of his life... bring the promised restoration... I believe YOU for it.

Thank YOU... In JESUS Name... Amen.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 20, 2008

My Comments, On Your Comments…

I am so blessed.  Thank you for your comments today.  Thank you for praying.  Thank you for sharing your stories.  Confirming to me that I am trying to do the right thing here... I have tears... I am so blessed.

Let me tell you the rest of this story now... at least the part I know.

I called a friend.  Ended up talking about HSSH.  Ended up with her telling me I should have called him to tell him about James' broken leg.  I was frustrated.

Called another friend. Told her what the first friend said.  She said she thought I should tell HSSH about the broken leg too.

Really frustrated.  Why am I the one that has to call him!  If he had come to the game, or even called about the game, he would know!!  URG.

Yet, I prayed that IF I was wrong.  I would be convicted. 

I was bothered by it all day. 

I finally called yet another friend.  "Please let me vent to you and tell me what you think of this!"  I told her.

So, I did.

She started laughing.

She had felt when she heard my story about what happened with missing church and the internet sermon, that I really needed to call HSSH.  And James leg came to her mind.

Fine. I will.

I did.

He didn't answer.

He called back later.

He is so low.  So pathetic.  So frustrating.  I told him about the leg.  I asked him about his address, told him that we remembered it was his birthday and would be sending something. 

I went on with my evening.

We went to the football banquet.  Our Varsity Football coach announced to the players after the banquet that he is retiring after 32 years of being our head coach.

James texted HSSH to tell him this.

HSSH called James.  They had a conversation, mainly about the leg.

If I had not called HSSH earlier that day, what would have happened?  How angry would he have been?

I feel like there is a reason this all happened as it did. 

Reasons I may never understand.

I prompted the kids to make HSSH cards tonight.  Three of them did.  Leah wrote Kiahna's name on hers.  The older two don't act interested. 

I told them if they want they can call him on Friday.  We will see.

I have these thoughts about this.  I hope that my kids are seeing that this respect and honor thing is important.  Important because it gives us peace and it is what God wants. 

I can do this, for the promise God gives to my kids. 

I can't say that I have been perfect, or that I have NEVER said a negative or harmful word against HSSH.  I've said some things that I had to apologize to the kids for saying.  I've also said some things that were truth, and told them that even though I feel this way about this, I am going to do this other thing, because I know it's right. Even though it is hard.

It is my hope that one day, when they are grown. When trials come, they will remember that even when it was hard, or I made mistakes, that I did what I could to make them right and to make the choices that I believed to be what God wanted me to make.  Not perfection.  Not supermom.  Not an unattainable pedestal.  But, reality.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008

Just in case you were wondering…

How am I really doing these days? 

If you are a new reader to my blog, I recommend catching up in the "testimony" posts.

It has been 6 weeks since my ex-husband, HSSH, has called.  It has been Labor Day since he has seen any of the kids.

Quite honestly, life is so much easier when he leaves us alone. 

Does that sound awful? 

This week I ran into a old classmate of ours.  In fact, when I was a junior and HSSH was a senior, he broke up with me.  Dated her.  Took her to the prom.  And then broke up with her and got back with me at the senior prom.  Yes.  I should have let her have him.  ;)

So... running into her wasn't quite like running into an old friend.  We didn't exactly leave HS on speaking terms.  Ya know?

Guess what?  In the past 18 years, since that all happened, we have both grown up.  She's been through a divorce too.  I could tell she genuinely cared, and she really wanted to know what in the world happened to us.

Standing in the candy aisle at Wal-Mart, I gave her the short, skinny version.  And you know what?  She understood.  She totally got the picture of what happened to us.  And she told me that she would pray for us. 

I walked away encouraged, and in awe of God.  To use her to encourage me was amazing. 

Another friend called that same day.  Encouraging me with God's word to stay strong in the promises God has given me. 

I am so blessed.

This week is HSSH's birthday.  I've tried to teach my children the principle of honoring their father.  Even when he doesn't deserve it.

"honor our fathers and mothers,” and the promise is “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…” (see Ephesians 6:2-3)

We've continued to buy him Christmas, birthday, Father's Day gifts, or just make cards.  I've encouraged them to honor him.

It's been so hard.

He totally doesn't deserve it.

It's SO hard.

Sunday morning we went to church.  My stomach was feeling a little queasy.  After we got there, Kiahna had to use the restroom.  I decided to use it too.  I have no idea what came over me, but I felt horrible.  I got all sweaty, clammy, and wondered if I would actually pass out there in church.  I didn't .  I began to feel better, but left right away.

I came home and plugged into an internet sermon.  I laid on the couch, feeling cold, and fell asleep. 

I woke to the speaker talking about fathers...  Here is what he said. 

"The only commandment with a promise is to 'honor our fathers and mothers,' and the promise is 'so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…' (see Ephesians 6:2). Nowhere does it say we should only honor great fathers and mothers or even good ones, but simply the ones we have been given, good or bad. Almost all will be both good and bad, just as some of the greatest heroes in the Bible also made some of the greatest mistakes"  --Rick Joyner

After that I felt perfectly fine.

I truly don't know what to do about HSSH's birthday this time.  I truly don't want to do anything.  I want to ignore him like he's ignoring us.  I don't even know if his phone or address are any good anymore.  I've learned enough to know that I can't make these decisions based on how I feel.  I have to base them on what God is asking of me.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel like He was asking too much of me sometimes.

I'd also be lying to myself if I didn't have my heart right before Him and do His will anyway.

I'm not asking for advice, just telling you where I am... and hoping you'll pray for God to be very clear on this issue this week.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008

More confessions of a blessed and busy mom…

My sister, Lana, and Ben had their first wedding shower last night! 

Ben giving a very nice thank you speech…

I am so amazed at God.

I am amazed at the miracle and the blessing that Ben is to Lana and her 4 kids.

What Lana and the kids have been through for the past 14 years… and too see them all so happy now.  It does nothing but warm my heart.

I know that I could be jealous and angry about this all.  I could let this time go by and not be a part of it.  Not have the joy of sharing in their happiness.  I am surprised at the state of my own heart and mind.   I am surprised that there isn’t some jealousy or anger there.  I am so overwhelmed that there isn’t.

God is truly who HE says HE is…

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and restore the places long devastated;
       they will renew the ruined cities
       that have been devastated for generations.  --Isaiah 61: 3-4

And I will wait on HIM as HE does HIS work in my life and family.

God you are so Good…

And SO worthy of our PRAISE!!

Pam

This is an excerpt of a post originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 31, 2008

Confessions of a Blessed and Busy Mom

Now, to address those of you who believe that I am “super-mom”.

(Insert hysterical laughter here)

I suppose if you visit me on Tackle it Tuesday, it may seem that I somehow give the delusion of a supermom of sorts… but if I gave you a list of the things that are completely out of control, neglected, and procrastinated upon (see above e-bay procrastination confession)  you would think otherwise!

SERIOUSLY!  One of the things that I used to say after HSSH left was that “super-mom died”. 

I began to see the person that I was, who I called “super-mom” and many of the things and attitudes (mostly the attitudes) of that person NEEDED to die!

Me, being the strong-willed, woman I am, needed to have a hurricane hit my life in order to see this.

Have you heard that song that was just released?  Hurricane by Jimmy Needham.  Part of my doesn’t want to hear that song.  And part of me knows how true it is.  I’ll search for it, and try to get it playing on my player.  (it seems to be down at the moment)

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now

Nope… I’m not super-mom… I used to be… I don’t want to be.  I want to be “fun-mom, in-the-moment-mom, completely-conscious-of-the-speed-of-time-mom, don’t-miss-the-joy-through-the-dirt-mom…  you know what I mean? 

Super-mom wants to rise up and resurrect herself sometimes.  She wants to do it all.  But, her circumstances keep her pretty much where she needs to be.  And you know, maybe that is a better place anyway… obviously, my kids could care-less about how clean thing are… maybe I could try to care-less too.

Except on Tuesday.

Pam

This is an excerpt from a post originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 31, 2008

At a Crossroads.

Last week I began writing to you about the Bible Study that I had just started reading.  I tend to get pretty excited about reading something that appears to have been written just for me.  It is the work of the Holy Spirit that blows my mind with His amazing personal commitment to me!

In the past couple of weeks, I have used the term, “crossroads” with some of my friends, as I would tell them about the current daily dealing with HSSH.  I said, “I feel like I am at a cross roads with all of this, but I don’t know what that means”

Then I added, that I knew that God would make very clear to me when He had a different plan for me to believe in than the one He has told me to believe for the past 3 years… even as it grows increasingly more difficult to believe with each circumstance.  I know one thing for sure.  God hasn’t told me to go down a different road.  Yet.  Will He?  I don’t know.

I asked God for an answer to this whole “crossroads” feeling.

He gave me one.

As only He can do!

Day Five, Week One, Set My Heart On Fire by Catherine Martin

At the Crossroads

This is what the Lord says:  Stop at the crossroads and look around.  Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.  Travel it’s path, and you will find rest for your souls.  Jer. 6:16 NLT

…Perhaps you are standing at a crossroads in your life. 

I am NOT making this up!  This is what this said in this book that we decided to do AFTER I made that comment several times!!  Does this excite you like it does me!?!

…maybe things have not turned out the way you thought they would

MAYBE!?!

Maybe you have given up on God. 

Maybe. 

Now is the time for you to say.  Lord, I’m sorry.  Fill me anew with your Holy Spirit and fulfill in me what You have planned. 

…The decisions, resolves, and commitments at the crossroads alter the course of our lives.  We are brought to these choices by the work of the Holy Spirit.  “God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him”  (Phil 2:13)  You can count on God to keep working in you all the days of your life until you are face-to-face with Him.  stepping from time into eternity.

So, what is my choice at this particular crossroad?  I had already made it, before I read this.  Determination to follow the path that God desires for my life.  Believing for Restoration of my family. Whatever that means.  Until God makes it clear.  Believing for miracles in HSSH’s life.  Believing for miracles in my life.  Believing for miracles in our children’s lives.

The Set of the Sail

By: Annie Johnson Flint

I stood on the shore beside the sea;

The wind from the West blew fresh and free,

While past the rocks at the harbor’s mouth

The ships went North, and the ships went South.

And some sailed out on an unknown quest,

And some sailed into the harbor’s rest;

Yet ever the wind blew out from the West.

I said to one who had sailed the sea

That this was a marvel unto me;

For how can the ships go safely forth,

Some to the South and some to the North,

Far out to the sea on the golden quest,

Or in to the harbor’s calm and rest,

And ever the wind blew out of the West.

The sailor smiled as he answered me,

“Go where you will when you’re on the sea,

Though head winds baffle and flaws delay,

You can keep the course by night and day,

Drive with the breeze or against the gale;

It will not matter what winds prevail,

For all depends on the set of the sail.”

Voyager soul on the sea of life,

O’er waves of sorrow and sin and strife,

When fog bewilder and foes betray,

Steer straight on your course from day to day;

Though unseen currents run deep and swift,

Where rocks are hidden and sandbars shift,

All helpless and aimless, you need not drift.

Oh, set your sail to the heavenly gale,

And then, no matter what winds prevail,

No reef shall wreck you, no calm delay,

No mist shall hinder, no storm shall stay;

Though far you wander and long you roam,

Though salt sea-spray and o’er white sea-foam,

No wind can blow but shall speed you home.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 6, 2008

Face to face with my weakness… again.

,,,self reliance… pride… human strength… the desire to be right… perfectionism… 

My enemies.

I am at my best when I am on my face.

Odd statement?

I am.

It would be nice if I would willingly stay on my face.

Too bad, I have to fall there instead… most of the time.

Last night I got a new book to go with the Bible Study that myself and two friends decided to do together. 

The book is called Set My Heart On Fire by Catherine Martin.  The three of us are joining, Mid-Morning on WBCL, as they do a 5 week study of this book.  The author, Catherine Martin, is joining them every Wednesday morning.  Yesterday was week 2.  We are listening to the shows on the WBCL website, Archives of past shows.  Anyone of you can join in this study.  Very awesome!

The Holy Spirit didn’t waste any time speaking to me about the areas that I have let my flesh take back over in. 

….relying on my own strength....

...Spiritual pride...

...hating admitting I am wrong... ever.... ever...

...the desire for perfection... in myself first off...

I'm not stupid.  I am just forgetful.  Short term memory loss... Right, Dorie?? 

I like to tell God, "okay, thanks for getting me back up again... I'll just take it from here... thanks, though... You're Great...I praise You for getting me up again... see ya..." (next time I fall flat on my face)... tomorrow...

In the second day of the book, Catherine quotes Charles Spurgeon in the devotional, Morning and Evening.

"God will not go forth with that man who marches in his own strength"

By nature I am a strong person.  I am a strong person.  I have always been a strong person.  Just ask my parents.  I don't believe any of their daughters were as "strong-willed" as me.  I've made so many choices that had consequences that were hard,  mostly from being so strong in my own ideas and thoughts.

Cringing as I remember, cringing as I see these traits in my own children...

The down-fall of being a strong person is that it takes strong winds to bring them to places of repentance. 

I'll spare myself (and you) the agony of all the past examples...

This morning I wonder, is the length of this current trial as much about getting me to let God be my strength, as it is anything else?  Most likely.  Do I like that realization?  Not at all.

Bending my strong willed knee at His feet.  Letting this be about HIM and not me.  Letting go of my ideas of how I think things need to look and when.  Being humble.  Being broken.  Being Weak.  Remembering that that is a good thing, in God's economy...

"No one likes to be called weak-- at least not in this 'survival of the fittest' world.  But in God's economy, weakness is a plus, a bonus, and grounds to boast.  In the spiritual realm, you can shout from the mountaintop or from the deepest valley for all to hear, 'I am weak!'"  --Catherine Martin

I find that very true (and she said, "no one likes it" so I am guessing you join me in that thought?)  It's still very hard.  It probably always will be.  Or maybe I'll finally get tired of falling on my face, and kneel willingly more often?  It won't be my strength that lets that happen though...

...strange concept...

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 2, 2008

One Day

“One Day… you will know the truth and it will make you free.

One Day… I know you’ll surrender and let love in.

Oh, I believe in One Day.”  --Ayiesha Woods

I made this song the first song to come on when you open my blog today.

Do you have someone that this is a prayer for?

I do.

It’s HSSH.

I’ve prayed for him for so long.

It is so hard to keep believing in One Day.

I had a conversation with him last night.  The lies that he believes just keep growing.  I wonder how long…  When does truth break through?  How does truth break through?

Sometimes I feel like “this one” is just too hard. 

I can’t take it any more.

God can’t break him.

If you knew the intimate details of the conversations, decisions, and life choices that my ex-husband has made… 

…would you look at me with pity and say what a shame it all is... all the while thinking in the back of your mind that I am such a poor thing for ever thinking that something could come of this.

…would you tell me that God is the God of impossibilities.  Would you remind me of the story of Daniel, Paul, Mary, Nehemiah, Abraham and Sarah, Noah, David… you know, just about everyone in the Bible…

…would you say that if God said that He was going to restore this family.  He will.

The problem in my mind comes when I start to wonder if my idea of what restoration matches Gods.  I know that my ways aren’t His.

Pray that TRUTH sets HSSH free.

Pray that  TRUTH sets me free.

Pray that TRUTH sets our family free.

Pray that what that looks like brings us all closer to HIM.

I don’t want to stop praying for ""One Day" in HSSH's life... I just don't know how I will survive to that day.  

The gap between today and "One Day" has me thinking...  I'm done.  I'm done playing the game.  I'm done listening to the lies and excuses.  I'm done being a part of it.  Take it away, Dear Jesus.

Why do I bring this up today?  I don't know.  It's on my heart.  My heart that is so very tired of being broken.  My heart that needs her savior to come and set it free.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 25, 2008

New Day, New Mercy

Yesterday, the choke was back.  Obviously.

Yesterday, I read what Brent Riggs wrote on their family's blog as they go through the cancer of their daughter Abby.  And then I read what MckMamma wrote about her latest tests on her unborn child with a heart condition.

Can I confess to having a really, really, cynical, ugly, awful thought?

I thought… “yeah, I used to write stuff like that… talk to me in three years.”

This post is in answer to that thought.

A thought that obviously came from the enemy of God.

A thought that the enemy of God really wants me to believe about my God.

That after three years of fighting for my marriage and family that my God has not and will not come through for me.

Brent Riggs, said this in his post, “It's been said that true courage is brave action despite fear. I would say the same principle applies to faith. Real faith, is the CHOICE to trust God despite circumstances that challenge faith. In light of that, I would say to you: Nope, not faking.”

MckMamma said this in her post, “And now, I will bring out the big guns. You see, as much of the Refiner's Fire as I have been going through lately, God's voice is still clearly calling out to me, saying, "Be patient child, I am not finished with you yet." All the struggles and ups and downs our family has been through lately are not the end. God has more in store for us and He wants me to keep clinging to Him alone!!”

In answer I want to tell the Riggs family, and MckMamma’s family, that even if your trial lasts way longer than you can imagine enduring… that same God is still going to be there.

He is going to give you new mercy for each day that you are in that fire.

He is going to give you strength over and over and over again when you just can’t do it any more.

He is going to bring peace and joy into your life when peace and joy shouldn’t be there.

He is going to carry you when you cannot move yourself.

Unfortunately, the enemy of our souls is still there also, trying to cast doubt over every moment that goes by.

And I would say again today…

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.’" –Luke 18:27

 

Originally Published on You're Gonna Miss This, September 23, 2008

Monday, Monday

Hi. 

I’ve been in such a rotten mood for the past day or so that I have not wanted to write and complain.

So, I’m not writing and complaining.

I’m writing to ask that you pray for me to get out of this slump.

To get through another week.

Another day.

Another hour.

You know that saying, “when mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”?  It works this way too.  When mama is a grump, everyone else seems to have a licence to be one too.

Deadly poison.

I am expecting to be back here giving testimony of God’s Grace coming through and lifting me up out of this pit again very soon.

For now… listen to the song on my music player called… “Love her like Jesus”

Love,

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 22, 2008

Nehemiah & Me

If you are like me, you haven’t spent too much time with your Bible open to the book of Nehemiah.  Until the past couple years, I think I may have only been in that chapter once.  Did you know that Jadon’s name is in the book of Nehemiah?

“Next to them, repairs were made by men from Gibeon and Mizpah—Melatiah of Gibeon and Jadon of Meronoth—”  Nehemiah 3:7

Did you know that after the Children of Israel were carried off to captivity in Babylon.  Remember Daniel?  God called Nehemiah to go back to Jerusalem and rebuild the city.

Jerusalem was a mess.  In Nehemiah 4 we learn some of the shape the city was in..

When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall, he became angry and was greatly incensed. He ridiculed the Jews, and in the presence of his associates and the army of Samaria, he said, "What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?"

Tobiah the Ammonite, who was at his side, said, "What they are building—if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!"  Neh. 4:1-3

I am not sure when this story was brought to my attention and became a parallel to my life.  I know I am not clever enough to come up with these things on my own.  See that part about the stones being burned?  “Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?”

That has been my thought over and over.  Just last week again, I was struggling with the thoughts that this is too big of a mess to be fixed.

“to bestow on them a crown of beauty  instead of ashes,”  Isaiah 61:3

I know that God is using this charred, burned, heaps of rubble & ash, and is bringing life back into it.  Slowly. 

“So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart.”  Nehemiah 4:6

Sometimes I feel like this.  I work with all my heart… get about 1/2 way through what I know I am supposed to be doing and lose heart.  Getting frustrated at how long it is taking.  How much work it all is.  How things aren’t going the way I wanted them to.

“Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, ‘The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.’" Neh. 4:10

How often it just looks like too much.  My strength gives out.  I can’t keep going takes over my mind.

“Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  Neh. 4:13,14

And people come to stand with me and fight.  At the “exposed places”, “with their swords, spears and bows.”  And I am not alone.

“Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."

And so I post these words around my house.  I remember to fight.  I remember that I am not alone.  I am fighting for my home.  My sons.  My daughters. 

“So we continued the work with half the men holding spears, from the first light of dawn till the stars came out.”  Neh. 4:21

And we continue to go on fighting.  Standing together.  Using burnt stones to rebuild a family that was completely destroyed by an unseen enemy. 

But, what of the father of this home?  Is there no hope left for him?  Is he part of this rebuilding process?  God alone holds that secret mystery.  My prayers still gravitate towards the hope that the rebuilding will include him.   The opposition is very heavy against it.  The area that includes him is burned beyond recognition.  Three years to us is much different than three years to God…

I find it quite interesting that Jadon was one of those wall builders.  Makes you wonder.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 19, 2008

Especially Today.

1086 days ago today.  It was an average day.  Home Schooling 4 kids.  Dealing with 3 preschoolers.  When HSSH left for work, I remember being worried about him.  But, he was shutting me out, so there was only prayer.

I have made it my choice today to focus on all of the good of the past 1086 days.

The World Book Encyclopedia says this about remembering…”Memory is a vital part of the learning process.  Without it, learning would be impossible.  If your brain recorded nothing from the past, you would be unable to learn anything new.  All your experiences would be lost as soon as they ended.”

There are many things in my memory of the past 3 years that are negative.  Hurtful.  Horrid.  Devastating.  Unbelievable. 

Trust me when I say that these would be much simpler to focus on than the good.

Our human nature is to be negative.

So, that is why I call it a choice.

“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live”  Deut. 30:19

The counselor I went to when this all first happened, asked me if I knew what satan’s favorite game was?

I didn’t.  All I knew was that I wasn't enjoying being his pawn. 

Dominoes.

It was satan's plan to take my family and destroy each of our lives.

But, what would happen if, I, the second domino, removed myself from this plan?  What if I made choices NOT to cooperate with satan's plan.  What if I made different choices?  What if I choose life?

"...so that you and your children may live?"

If I'd have known how hard it was going to be I am not sure I would have chosen it.  But, then again, How could I not have?

Dear Jesus, You have brought me 1086 days into this wilderness... It  has not been fun.  It has not been easy.  It is not over.  But, YOU oh GOD are FAITHFUL.  YOU will be with me to the end.  YOU say to keep going.  Don't stop.  YOU say that I can do all things through YOU who gives me strength.  YOU say that YOU can bring beauty from these ashes.  YOU say that YOU will give me mercy every morning.  YOU say that YOU are the ABBA FATHER.  That YOUR grace is enough.  That YOU do not forget us or forsake us.  That in my weakness YOU are the most strong. 

I say, AMEN.  AMEN.  AMEN.  AMEN. 

I used to only believe it by faith.  Now I believe it because I am living it out.  One day after another.  And HE is faithful.  He is faithful.  He is faithful.

Today I bring GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE to the ONE who carries me.  In nail scarred hands that died so that I might have this choice of life.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I WORSHIP YOU.

"But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."  2 Tim. 4:17-18

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 16, 2008

Don’t Worry.

“I’m not worried.”

When I went to a counseling appointment on Thursday night and shared all of the things that had been going on for the past week, after commenting that he was surprised I still had hair, he told me I was worrying.  (I am sure that you all had already realized this too)

Me?

I thought, “no, this isn’t worry”

I am not sure what I thought it was.

Imbalance?

Stress?

My thoughts were...

It’s all HSSH’s fault anyway.  What does any of it matter?

I am stuck in this life, dealing with this man.  I can’t live because HE WILL come and wreck it up if I try.  He has every right to come in and exercise his “parenting time” any time he chooses.

And I am left to deal with it all.

I thought I could live.  I can’t.  HE won’t let me.  I thought I could move on, I can’t HE won’t let me. 

Worried?

No, I’m ticked.  This is crap.  I want out of this.  I want this to stop.

But, it won’t.  It don’t.  It isn’t.

He prayed for me to let go of the worry.

He caught on that I was worried about my life continuing like this forever. 

He told me that it wouldn’t be this way forever.

It’s hard to believe that.

He told me it’s not HSSH that is doing this to me.  It is the worry.  It is the devil’s plan to destroy the peace that God has given me.  HSSH doesn’t have that kind of power.

I can see that.

I still don’t know how to live this out though.

I don’t know how to deal with the disturbance HSSH creates and not let it do this to me.

Friday morning I was reading through some notes I took at the Beth Moore conference we went to in August.

She used the parable of the sower in Luke 8 as her text.  She was on the part about the seed that was choked out by the weeds.  She used the term, “Stop the choke”.

Oh yeah, I am feeling the choke.

And low and behold, would you believe, she said that the choke is WORRY? Darn…. he was right… this is worry…

Here are the notes I took…

• Anxiety chokes the Word right out of us.
• Exactly the time we need God most, we feel Him the least because we’re worrying this thing so much we’re choking the Word out of us.
• How do we get that choke hold off of us?
• Philippians 4:6..."Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"
• Anytime we are all anxiety ridden our feeling is loss of control (hummm...)
• Speak truth over it.
• Warriors not worriers.
• Everytime we show and anxious spirit we show the enemy we're not trusting God with it.
• Immaturiity says I insist on life feeling good. 
• This is a trap for a life of bondage and addiction.
• He'll use your pain to birth your passion
• You will not lack on Spriritual gift that you need to fulfill your destiny.
• All that will matter when we're done here is that life mattered.
• Testify that Gods' Word heals and restores, make the devil wish that he hadn't messed with you!
• You don't have to live in hysteria and chaos. 
• Let HIM change your day.

Yesterday, I just kept praying, processing, and working through all of this.  I feel very weak, vulnerable, and I still don't know how all this works.  How I "live" and don't go insane with worry every other weekend.

But, I am speaking HIS WORD over it all...  This is one of the books of promises I have written down to read and re-read...

This is the promise that came to my mind this morning...

Psalm 71:20-24...

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
       you will restore my life again;
       from the depths of the earth
       you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor
       and comfort me once again.

I will praise you with the harp
       for your faithfulness, O my God;
       I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
       O Holy One of Israel.

My lips will shout for joy
       when I sing praise to you—
       I, whom you have redeemed.

My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
       all day long,
       for those who wanted to harm me
       have been put to shame and confusion

My counselor said that there was determination on my face when I left… we will see…

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 6, 2008

HSSH

It stands for “High School Sweet-heart”.  And he was.  He is also the bio-father of 4 of my kids, and the adopted dad of 2.  We were married from 1991 until 2007, when the divorce he filed for was finalized.

I’ve never been hurt deeper.  Been more angry.  Been more frustrated.  Been more devastated.  Been more in love with anyone.

I still love him. 

I hate all of this with a passion.  I just want it all to go away, and to start over fresh.

It is never simple is it?  It never made sense from the first day he walked out on us.  We had been through too many hard times to give up now.

How could he just walk away?

I know now that he wasn’t just walking away.  He was running away.  He didn’t only leave me and the kids.  He left everyone and everything that was his life.  He left our town.  He left 1/2 of his siblings.  He was running from his life and every choice he had ever made.

The problem with running away from yourself and your life is that everywhere you go, there you are.

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side.

The grass on this side of the fence had been far from perfect.  There are, and were more weeds in this grass than I’d like to count.  But, the grass on the other side of the fence is not even real.  It’s Astroturf, with a foundation of concrete.

I’ve never wanted to bash him publicly, or say anything that I wouldn’t want him to read.  I hope that I never do, and that I haven't.  I get tired of doing the right thing and there never being any positive turn-around.

It isn’t that I don’t want him to be a part of the kids lives.  I do, that is the problem.  The crumbs he throws from the life he’s ran to, are pathetic.

When he called yesterday, I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen.  I wanted to ignore his message.  I didn’t want to tell the kids he had called.  It would have been so easy to press delete and never tell them.

I had to call a friend to tell me that I needed to tell my kids.  I told her, “tell me that I need to tell them he called”.  She did.  I still didn't want to, but I did.

It wouldn't have been fair to them not to tell them.

When I prayed so long ago that God would do "whatever it took to make him into the man He wanted him to be", I never dreamed that it would be this hard.

I need grace to live and go on believing God isn't done with this yet, because I can't do it anymore.

So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion.
   It won't be long now, He's on the way; 
      He'll show up most any minute.
   But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
      if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.
But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.  --End of Hebrews 10, The Message

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, August 19, 2008

The Waiting…

I read this on Sarah's blog.  I love it when I don’t really have to come up with the words to describe what I feel or what happened.  Someone else already did it, and my heart is understood.

Wait on the Lord

Author Unknown

Wait on the Lord
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for due to my fate
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" My indignant reply
"Lord, I need to know answers, I need to know WHY!
Is your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By FAITH, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate,
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', or a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive,
And Lord I've been asking and this is my cry.
I'm weary of asking...I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel as His eyes wept with mine,
And tenderly said, "I COULD give you a sign;
I COULD shake the heavens, and darken the sun
I COULD raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
All you seek, I COULD give, and how pleased you would be.
You COULD have what you want - but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not know the depths of my love for each Saint:
You'd not know the power I give to the faint,
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save (for a start),
But you'd not know the depths of the best of my heart!
The glow of my comfort late in the night
The faith that I give when you walk without sight
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee
What it means that MY grace is sufficient for thee
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss if I've lost what I'm doing in you!

So be silent my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though my answers seem terribly late
my most precious answer of all is still 'WAIT.'"

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, August 18, 2008

Testimony Tuesday

Today I am going to go back into my journal and share from February 2006.  Beginning at my trip to Dorie’s house, and my visit to the prayer room near her house.

2/3/2006… I feel the presence of the Lord as I sit in this room.  I want to weep.  I had so much unrest as I let HSSH rob me of my peace of mind again.  As I sit here there is an overwhelming feeling.

2/4/2006… “Every Word of God is pure, He is a shield to them that put their trust in Him.”  Proverbs 30:5  Oh Lord, I need YOU to be that shield for me.  I put my trust in YOU.  I confess that I became filled with fear-anger-frustration about what HSSH is doing to our marriage.  About what kind of lawyer he hired. 

As I sat in that prayer room yesterday, I had this overwhelming sense of Your presence that brought tears to my eyes.  The longer I sat there watching the other people there, hearing the Word spoken and sang, I broke down.  Dorie prayed with me Jeremiah 29:11 and other Scripture.  I had my cry and opened the Word again.  I drank deeply in the Word letting it sooth my wounded heart.  It was a place that my mind is not sure what to do with.  But, my soul yearns to go back.

2/6/2006…I dread returning to my life.  This has been such an awesome break from reality-spiritual growth-rest-relaxation-conversation- just a blessing!  You are so very, very good to me!  You care so deeply and intimately about my life.  My pain.  My sorrow. 

“The name of the Lord is a strongtower, the righteous run into it, and are safe”  Proverbs 18:10

2/7/2006…Oh Lord my God, You are my refuge and my strength.  You are holding on to me as I dangle over a pit of despair and fear.  I know how easily it would be to fall today.  HOLD ME IN YOUR RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND!!!  Help me to handle one issue at a time.  I have a notice of a certified letter which will be divorce papers.  I have the normal adjustments it takes to get back into the swing of being a mom again.  Only by Your Almighty Grace can I do this.

“For I the Lord thy God will hold your right hand, saying unto you, fear not, I will help you”  Isaiah 41:13

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, July 29, 2008

Fox Hole Friends

You know what a fox hole is, right?  One of those holes you dig in intense battle to hide in.  The people that join you in those holes quickly become your friend as you face death and destruction together.

God gave me a friend like that.  It is one of the most incredible friendships I have.  One, because of the way it came about.  Two, because we can talk about anything.  Three, because we have come so far together - so far apart!

Because of the sensitivity of their story, I won’t use her real name.  And I won’t be posting any pictures.  It’s a bummer, but it’s the nature of the battle.

Before HSSH left, I was already addicted spending lots of time researching important topics on the Internet.  Mostly adoption issues.

I met Dorie on a Yahoo site.  She and her dh were in the beginning stages of adopting a baby.  We had lots in common and chatted easily.

As time went on and difficult things developed in their adoption, I was there for her.  And then my life came crashing in.  She was there for me.

I remember standing at my living room window having the thought that I didn’t know who of my friends would be here for me when life had just fallen to pieces.  Realizing that the person I had communicated with the most lately I had never even met.

Dorie and I continued our relationship, and I had many friends I could SEE come to my rescue also.  She got unlimited long distance, so phone calls became a daily thing, as we unloaded our lives on each other and cried on each other’s  our own phone receivers, to each other.

A few months after HSSH left, I really needed a break from my kids, my life, my HSSH, my reality, myself!  I did probably the most daring thing I had ever done in my life, and I bought a ticket to fly and meet my Internet friend!

It was exciting and fun!  We ran around while her wonderful dh watched her kids!  We were so alike in so many ways that we even came out dressed identical one day!  That was too funny!  It was a break from my circumstances that I so desperately needed, in more than one way.

On that trip God met me in an incredible way.  Near her home there is a House of Prayer.  Here in our area they were beginning one too.  I was excited, and oh so naive, to get the chance to go and check it out.  What I found was the Spirit of God in a way I never knew existed.

In the midst of my pain, frustration, agony, God met me.  Brought me a friend who took me to a place that would blow my “God box” wide open.

Do you have a God box?  I sure did.  A place that you try to keep God contained.  It’s all nice and neat and comfortable.  I pulled Him out when I needed Him and He stayed there until I needed Him again.  It looked a certain way and was decorated with certain things based on the church I attended and the experiences I had.

This was the beginning stages of my adventure in figuring out for myself that MY GOD doesn’t fit in any box. (Although, I don’t deny that I sure keep trying to make Him fit in one in many ways)  He is wild and amazing.  More incredible and more capable than I ever imagined.  HE is so very, very good to me. 

As I sat in the prayer room for the first time, I began to weep.  The Sprit of God was so great in that room.  It was what my soul was longing for.  It was less than an hour that we were there, and it changed me.

I have made a few more trips out there to see Dorie since then, and she is making her second trip out here this week!  Our battles still rage, just mentally on some days, and just different enough that we understand each other’s emotions without stepping on each other’s toes.  The perfect fox hole friend.

God is so amazing!  Love you Dorie!  Just keep swimming!!!

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, July 28, 2008

An Opportunity

Tonight was the last night of our Beth Moore Bible Study Stepping Up.  We were told ahead of time that we would be given the opportunity to share what God has done for us this summer at the end of the evening.

Progress for me is that I have come to terms with the idea that when given the opportunity to share what God has done for me, I need to take it.  So, I didn’t sit there wringing my hands and arguing with God over why I couldn’t possibly stand before a group of women and speak this time.  I still shook profusely and cried.  But, I didn’t hesitate.

When we began the study I wrote a little about it, It was talking about taking that next step with God.  Some quotes from Beth in that first video were,

“This will become for us the next step to where God is taking us”

“What we are going through we’re not staying in.”

“Our circumstances will feel a whole lot better when we get it through our head we are not staying here.”

“We are just movin’ up!”  (WITH TEXAS ACCENT!)

“By the time we’re done we’re gonna move up to the next stage with God”

Oh, how I long for that.  To be out of these circumstances.  To feel happy. To feel Joy.  Not fleetingly.  But “normally”.  Not once in a while. But most of the time.  Not living in a place that has me stuck in what isn’t.  But, moving forward to what is to come.  I had no idea how to get there.  But, I sure wanted to go.

Today, tonight, I realized how far God has brought me, even in these last 6 weeks of Bible Study.  And in sharing on this blog.  Processing things.  Moving forward.  Letting what I have experienced help someone else, maybe, because I was bold enough to share it.

As Beth finished up the study tonight, she said these things.

“We watch what someone else goes through and we think, ‘I could never do that’”

“We don’t understand the grace of God.”

“When the time comes the strength will be there.”

“There will be a fresh anointing.”

“If He calls on us, the strength will be there.”

I can’t tell you the countless times I have been told that I am strong.  And that what I am going through, how I responded, how I am surviving, they could never do. 

The fact is “I” can’t do it either.  I can’t do what I have done.  I can’t live through what I have lived through.  I can’t have joy again.  I can’t laugh again.  I can’t live again.  I can’t.  Not on my own.

The grace of God is where it comes from.  Plain, simple, misunderstood Grace. 

Beth ended the study with a song…

Today, Jadon was talking about people he could marry.  And people I could marry.  It is a kick he is on.  He talks about it a lot.  I was only half (or less) listening to him ramble on.  And then suddenly he said, "Could you marry Jesus, mommy?"

Um... 4 year old... theology... bride of Christ... I guess son.  I guess I kind of could.

My flesh says, No.  I don't want "just Jesus". 

Tonight, like Beth had a window into my living room, she said. 

"Jesus is the One that every broken road I have ever been on led to.  I have one Savior.  As much as I love my husband it is not him."

After I shared what this study has meant to me with these ladies, they gathered around me to pray.  One even washed my feet.  How humbling, how amazing, how encouraging.

God You are too good.  I am so glad You are my husband.

For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.   Isaiah 54:5

Pam

Originally Published on You're Gonna Miss This, July 21, 2008

That First Month

I’ve been reading some of my journal entries from the first month after HSSH left.  It’s interesting.  How much faith and hope I had in the midst of the depression and discouragement.

I was raised in Church.  I knew the stories.  I knew the verbiage.  I knew what was right.  I knew what was wrong.  On some level I believed that if you just did all the right things that somehow things in your life would go the way that they were supposed to.

My natural personality is very strong.  I was SUPERMOM.  I was going to save all my children, my marriage, and adopt a house full of kids while using cloth diapers and living in a spotless house… in a single bound.

The problem was that I had made so many huge mistakes.  To compensate I was becoming more legalistic in my beliefs because if we LOOKED like we had it all together then maybe somehow we would.

Of course I couldn’t see what I was doing until the world came crashing in. 

I was blinded to so many things.  I was blinded to my own fears.  Fears that would come out in the early morning hours while I was journaling and praying, and then I would tuck away as I dove into the busy home- school-mom-of-seven life.

I was blinded to what HSSH was doing and feeling.  I knew he was depressed.  But, I trusted him.  I never let myself consciously believe it would ever go to these extremes.  I knew he was shutting down.  I knew he was working so many hours.  I just couldn’t help him.  He wouldn’t let me.  Every effort I made caused him more anger, which now I realized was really guilt.

Now every woman’s worst nightmare was happening to me.  But I was strong.  I could do this too.

After he was gone for 3 weeks I wrote this…

Learning to live all over again.

Learning what it truly means to trust God.

Learning how to take up my cross and follow Him.

Learning that life isn’t fair and doesn't make sense, but God is still carrying me and let’s me cast my burden upon Him.

Learning how much grace “sufficient” grace really is.

Learning that when you trust God you don’t have to come up with the ideas on how He should fix it.

Learning that when things look worse in earthly standards, in the big picture my prayers are actually being heard and the refining fire is doing it’s transforming work.

Learning that God will not allow this fire to destroy me.

Learning to understand how ALIVE the Word of God really is.

Learning that God loves my husband more than I do.

Learning that satan’s attacks know no bounds.

Learning what it means to put on the whole armor of God daily.

Learning that speaking the Word in truth and faith truly does quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.

Learning that a sound mind is a beautiful thing.

Learning that some days I have to learn these things over and over again.

Little did I realize, three weeks into a battle that is coming close to the 3 year mark, how true these statements would all become.  Especially the part about learning them over and over again.

Little did I know how far my own strength would go. Or how hard it would be for me to learn to accept that HIS strength would only be made perfect in my weakness.

My story is one of God’s faithfulness in these days.

Pam

Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This, July 21, 2008

Steppin Up… Steppin Out

This morning I finished my second to last day of homework in the Beth Moore Bible Study I have been in this summer, Stepping Up.  I am really going to be sad to have it end! 

God is really using Beth’s writing in my life.  She has become like a wonderful friend I have never met!  If you have been with me in the past 3 years, you know how often her writing has spoken directly to my circumstances.  The Holy Spirit is amazing! 

This is what I read this morning in the study…

“Ask any song writer of our time and he or she will tell you that the clearest and deepest words God grants the soul are often those that come in a dark season of life.  One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you’ll receive it.  To stand in the presence of the Lord when you’d rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him—these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory.”

This is exactly what my journals are to me.  The deepest words God granted my soul in the darkest season of my life and my battle cry of victory.  I am gonna make it, and crazy as it is, I believe he will too.

Stepping out of my comfort zone to share these things is hard sometimes.  I don’t see the things that you may see.  I read what I wrote and I remember that they were survival.  I remember the pain. 

Pray with me about what to do with this story.  What God wants to use it all for.  Another thing that Beth Moore says often is, "He has given you life experiences intended to turn into testimonies and ministries that help make the Savior irresistible to the seeker."

I want to be found faithful.

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, On July 18, 2008

She’s Gonna Make It.

You have to know that since that dreadful night in 2005 I have filled 6 journals with my prayers, pain, and events.  I look and them and have no idea where to start to share the story of how I have gotten from there to here.

I found this in my journal.  About a month after HSSH left he came back to talk to me.  He asked me if I had ever heard the song She’s Gonna Make it by Garth Brooks.  I didn’t remember that I had.  Tonight I looked it up, this is what it is.

He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane
And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

None of this has to be this way… my heart breaks all over again.

Pam

Originally posted at You're Gonna Miss This, on July 17, 2008

The beginning

The memory of that night is etched deeply in my mind.   The pain of it brings tears to my eyes even now.

It was very late, after midnight when HSSH fled from our home. 

It felt like something came in and stole him from me.

I called my parents and woke them.  I told them I was coming over.

I was strong until I walked up on the porch of my parent’s house. I fell into my dad’s arms.  I wailed like I don’t believe I have ever wailed before, and pray I never will again.

I had to calm enough to get the words out and tell them what had happened.  Their tears and weeping met with mine.

Before HSSH walked out, I really felt we were going to be okay.  I had a peace I can’t explain.  I knew we would make it through. 

Now I was afraid.  Where did he go?  What was he doing?  Why did he run?  What happened?

He was so broken.  So ashamed.  So very sorry for what he had done.  He hated himself.  He couldn’t look at me or touch me.

The next day is also etched in my mind.  I love the autumn days.  It was one of those perfect September days.  I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  It was all going to go away.  He was going to drive back in the drive at any moment.

But, as the day wore on.  He didn’t come back.  He finally called.  The news of where he was broke my heart all over again.  This is not happening to me.  To us.  To our family.

I stood at my living room window wondering what I was going to do.  What people were going to do?  Who would be here for me?  Would anyone care for us? 

I went to my Bible for help.  I found it.  It was the only thing that brought me peace.  The first scripture I wrote in my journal after HSSH left was Isaiah 49:13-16…

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
       the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
       I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
       your walls are ever before me.

As the days moved forward,

Shock begin to settle in. 

Things begin to get fuzzy.

People started finding out.

People started helping.

I have no recollection of how my children were handling things. 

I remember trying to give them hope that their dad was returning.

Supermom had died and their dad was gone.

I couldn’t eat.  I learned a new level of grief.  One that involved no appetite.  No caring.  The most horrifying way to lose the 20 lbs you’ve been wanting to lose.

My children’s schooling began to concern others.  I was the one responsible.  It wasn’t happening.  Someone paid the tuition for them to go to a private school.

I think I walked around my house in a daze.  Talked on the phone.  Took long walks to clear my head.  Poured over the Bible, searching for an answer.  Prayed.

Meals began to come in from loving friends.  My neighbor started organizing who would bring meals when.

People sent cards.

People sent money.

We didn’t hear from HSSH often, but when we did it would send me into a tail spin that would last for days. 

Days moved into weeks, weeks into months, months have become years.

A friend told me of her sister and her husband separating for a year and reconciling.  My thoughts were, “I can’t do this for a year”.

Breathing became a chore.  Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Forcing myself to eat.  Forcing myself to care.  Forcing myself to live.  God giving me the grace to do them.

The bottom came for me the day that friends came over to pick up my laundry to wash for us.  Nothing is more humbling than having someone wash your pathetic, neglected, unmentionables.

I was amazed at the help that came to us.  I was humbled.  I was blessed. 

Even last night in our Stepping Up Bible study with Beth Moore, she spoke of the American way being self sufficient.  That equals success in our society.  It brought to mind how we have become very “unsuccessful”.

People in this amazing community I live in stepped in and did so much for us.  They still do.  Meals, money, groceries, odd jobs, babysitting, cleaning, teaching, car pooling, talking, caring, listening, reading, writing, loving, praying, believing.

We needed a miracle.

Pam

Originally Posted on “You’re Gonna Miss This” July 15, 2008

Introduction

I confess.  I love to write.  In many ways writing has saved my life.  If I would keep all the things inside I would explode, or die of poisoning!  Writing and talking about things gets the poison out.  Gets the lies out.  Gets the truth out. 

It is interesting, I have had this post, and the ones that will follow on this topic, bouncing around in my head for a few days.  And as they were bouncing I read that my new blog friend, Stacy, over at anymommy,  has been feeling the same way.  She exposed her heart about their disrupted adoption… I could write about that.  Then not long after I found that another mom, who’s blog I can’t seem to find at the moment, had also read Stacy’s brave story and felt the courage to share her own heart with the blog world.  Her story was one of miscarriage… I could write about that too.  Then I read last night about a family who’s little girl they adopted from Haiti was just diagnosed with leukemia.  Please Pray for Abby, who’s family looks remarkably like mine was supposed to look, and who’s mommy’s heart for adoption reflects many things that mine feels… I could write about that.

So what am I going to do with my blog?  In the beginning it was merely a place to send some pictures to a few close friends who’s e-mails were getting clogged up with my huge e-mail files that included pictures.  It is evolving into something else.  And to be quite honest I have fear.

The things that we have been through and I feel like I am being asked to share involve other people.  If those other people read this, what will they say?  How will they use it against me?  I won’t be using real names for these people.  Okay, one person really.  My ex-husband.   Yes, I have an ex-husband.  I am divorced.  I still can’t believe it.  I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would be using that word to describe me.

Who I used to be… I used to be a very different person than I am today.  We all change.  Some of us the easy way, some not so easy.  I don’t really like many of the things about the person I used to be.  Mainly the way I used to think.  The pride I used to harbor.  The fears I used to have.  The secrets I used to hide. 

I didn’t even realize I was hiding secrets.  I didn’t realize I was so afraid or proud either. 

I used to be a home school mom.  I used to be an adoption (I want to use the word freak, but that doesn’t sound quite right) I was obsessed with adoption.  I got pregnant before I married my HSSH (high school sweet heart, hope you don’t mind Stacy, seems better than making up a name for him).  I met HSSH when I was 15.  We married when I was 3 months pregnant and 18 years old.  He went active in the army.  I’ve been an army wife.  We lived in Germany and Texas during those years.  We had 3 more children.  We moved back to where we both grew up to raise our kids.  We owned our own business.  We devoted our lives to our children, our church, our God.  We adopted 2 kids.  We were in the process of adopting a third.

Life was not perfect, but I can make it sound like it was.  Of course it was hard.  Of course we had our struggles.  We had 3 birth mom’s change their minds and decide to parent their babies.  I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever endure.

HSSH and I made some business choices that led to us losing the business for reasons out of our control.  HSSH began to be depressed.

My journal entry from September 6, 2005…

Oh God, help me to reach out to him.  I want so much more out of our relationship, but I have no idea how to get it.  I confess to You that I am afraid.  Afraid that he has fallen into sin that will destroy his soul.  I see him moving farther away from both of us.  I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I need to let go of the plans I have for another adoption.  HSSH needs me to give him more.  It absolutely breaks my heart to think of saying no to this baby and see someone else take it.  But he needs to be my top priority.  As he is pulling away from me, I need so much wisdom and guidance.  It is the desire of my heart to have HSSH’s time, attention, love, and spend time talking to him.  That is my #1 priority.  I don’t think he feels it.  Help me to make that happen.  And if I have to give up this adoption to make that happen grant me the ability to do that.  My heart wants both, If I can’t, I choose HSSH.  Help me dear Lord.  Refine me as silver, that I may see Your ways.  Do Your will.  Walk in Your light.

Two weeks later, on a Friday evening, we had returned from a Home School event.  HSSH wanted to talk.  I was glad.  I knew something was bothering him and we needed to talk.  What he said was not anything like I had ever even let myself fear.

He had fallen into adultery.  He confessed.  He cried.  I cried.  I told him we would be okay.  I was relieved in a sense.  Finally knowing what the problem was meant we could get help and fix this, right?  Wrong.  He decided not to accept my forgiveness and walked out that very same night, with nothing.

Our lives have been changed forever…

Pam

Originally posted on “You’re Gonna Miss This” July 14, 2008