Keeping it real…

It is challenging sometimes to keep things real... wouldn't' you say?  First of all, we don't really like the reality we are living in.  Second, people can get hurt when we share the reality, as we see it.  And third, sometimes reality scares people away... and then again... sometimes it draws them in.

Does it scare you to bits to know the reality that my family and I have endured?  I was told once by a friend, that I was living out her worst nightmare, and that it made it hard for awhile to talk to me. 

Last week when I was so down... did it discourage you from reading?  Do you think that you dreaded coming and hearing what I had to say, because it was so full of pain?

Pain is part of our lives.  We all experience it.  We all get down.  Discouraged.  Frustrated.  Pretending like we don't is completely unrealistic.

Recently, one of my children had a conversation with a person that could not grasp the magnitude of what our family deals with.  This person told my child that they should be more positive.  More upbeat.  Work harder.  Do more.  My child did not measure up.

My child came home and was devastated.  It all snowballed in their mind.  It all became so much bigger than it was... and all the future problems came crashing down... all the what if's... all the unknowns... all the potential failures... all the inadequacies... all the doubts... all the pain.

You know what?  I listened to this child for 45 minutes... and tried to offer my support... and I had this incredible peace.   I have been in the place my child was so many times... I was just there last week... and I have every confidence that the SAME GOD who lifted this child out of a pit of mire, will lift that child out of a pit of mire... and HE will use this to bring healing and hope back into my child's life... same as HE has done for me... over and over again...

Do I want to become angry at this person for saying what they did?  Yes.  Should I?  Maybe?  Will it help?  No. 

I told my child that this person cannot understand.. this person has never been there. 

I told my child that they CAN understand... because they have been there...

Which is better?

Lord God Almighty... I am reminded today to pray.  To pray for my children to survive this season in our lives.. and for YOU to bring good out of all that has been intended for evil.  I can't do this... but YOU can.  I can't heal their pain.  YOU can.  I can't stop people from saying things that are wrong... but YOU can bring life lessons and help my children realize what NOT to say... YOU can make my children into sensitive, passionate, forgiving, loving, restored, adults... people who are not shallow or unaware... but are aware of life's pain, and YOUR ABILITY TO CARRY US THROUGH THE WORST OF THE WORST...

...and,as hard as it is.... I pray again for the father of these children... I pray blessing... I pray for eyes to be open... for YOUR angels to come and minister to him... in his sleep, in his depression, in every area of his life... bring the promised restoration... I believe YOU for it.

Thank YOU... In JESUS Name... Amen.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 20, 2008

My Comments, On Your Comments…

I am so blessed.  Thank you for your comments today.  Thank you for praying.  Thank you for sharing your stories.  Confirming to me that I am trying to do the right thing here... I have tears... I am so blessed.

Let me tell you the rest of this story now... at least the part I know.

I called a friend.  Ended up talking about HSSH.  Ended up with her telling me I should have called him to tell him about James' broken leg.  I was frustrated.

Called another friend. Told her what the first friend said.  She said she thought I should tell HSSH about the broken leg too.

Really frustrated.  Why am I the one that has to call him!  If he had come to the game, or even called about the game, he would know!!  URG.

Yet, I prayed that IF I was wrong.  I would be convicted. 

I was bothered by it all day. 

I finally called yet another friend.  "Please let me vent to you and tell me what you think of this!"  I told her.

So, I did.

She started laughing.

She had felt when she heard my story about what happened with missing church and the internet sermon, that I really needed to call HSSH.  And James leg came to her mind.

Fine. I will.

I did.

He didn't answer.

He called back later.

He is so low.  So pathetic.  So frustrating.  I told him about the leg.  I asked him about his address, told him that we remembered it was his birthday and would be sending something. 

I went on with my evening.

We went to the football banquet.  Our Varsity Football coach announced to the players after the banquet that he is retiring after 32 years of being our head coach.

James texted HSSH to tell him this.

HSSH called James.  They had a conversation, mainly about the leg.

If I had not called HSSH earlier that day, what would have happened?  How angry would he have been?

I feel like there is a reason this all happened as it did. 

Reasons I may never understand.

I prompted the kids to make HSSH cards tonight.  Three of them did.  Leah wrote Kiahna's name on hers.  The older two don't act interested. 

I told them if they want they can call him on Friday.  We will see.

I have these thoughts about this.  I hope that my kids are seeing that this respect and honor thing is important.  Important because it gives us peace and it is what God wants. 

I can do this, for the promise God gives to my kids. 

I can't say that I have been perfect, or that I have NEVER said a negative or harmful word against HSSH.  I've said some things that I had to apologize to the kids for saying.  I've also said some things that were truth, and told them that even though I feel this way about this, I am going to do this other thing, because I know it's right. Even though it is hard.

It is my hope that one day, when they are grown. When trials come, they will remember that even when it was hard, or I made mistakes, that I did what I could to make them right and to make the choices that I believed to be what God wanted me to make.  Not perfection.  Not supermom.  Not an unattainable pedestal.  But, reality.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008

Just in case you were wondering…

How am I really doing these days? 

If you are a new reader to my blog, I recommend catching up in the "testimony" posts.

It has been 6 weeks since my ex-husband, HSSH, has called.  It has been Labor Day since he has seen any of the kids.

Quite honestly, life is so much easier when he leaves us alone. 

Does that sound awful? 

This week I ran into a old classmate of ours.  In fact, when I was a junior and HSSH was a senior, he broke up with me.  Dated her.  Took her to the prom.  And then broke up with her and got back with me at the senior prom.  Yes.  I should have let her have him.  ;)

So... running into her wasn't quite like running into an old friend.  We didn't exactly leave HS on speaking terms.  Ya know?

Guess what?  In the past 18 years, since that all happened, we have both grown up.  She's been through a divorce too.  I could tell she genuinely cared, and she really wanted to know what in the world happened to us.

Standing in the candy aisle at Wal-Mart, I gave her the short, skinny version.  And you know what?  She understood.  She totally got the picture of what happened to us.  And she told me that she would pray for us. 

I walked away encouraged, and in awe of God.  To use her to encourage me was amazing. 

Another friend called that same day.  Encouraging me with God's word to stay strong in the promises God has given me. 

I am so blessed.

This week is HSSH's birthday.  I've tried to teach my children the principle of honoring their father.  Even when he doesn't deserve it.

"honor our fathers and mothers,” and the promise is “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…” (see Ephesians 6:2-3)

We've continued to buy him Christmas, birthday, Father's Day gifts, or just make cards.  I've encouraged them to honor him.

It's been so hard.

He totally doesn't deserve it.

It's SO hard.

Sunday morning we went to church.  My stomach was feeling a little queasy.  After we got there, Kiahna had to use the restroom.  I decided to use it too.  I have no idea what came over me, but I felt horrible.  I got all sweaty, clammy, and wondered if I would actually pass out there in church.  I didn't .  I began to feel better, but left right away.

I came home and plugged into an internet sermon.  I laid on the couch, feeling cold, and fell asleep. 

I woke to the speaker talking about fathers...  Here is what he said. 

"The only commandment with a promise is to 'honor our fathers and mothers,' and the promise is 'so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…' (see Ephesians 6:2). Nowhere does it say we should only honor great fathers and mothers or even good ones, but simply the ones we have been given, good or bad. Almost all will be both good and bad, just as some of the greatest heroes in the Bible also made some of the greatest mistakes"  --Rick Joyner

After that I felt perfectly fine.

I truly don't know what to do about HSSH's birthday this time.  I truly don't want to do anything.  I want to ignore him like he's ignoring us.  I don't even know if his phone or address are any good anymore.  I've learned enough to know that I can't make these decisions based on how I feel.  I have to base them on what God is asking of me.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel like He was asking too much of me sometimes.

I'd also be lying to myself if I didn't have my heart right before Him and do His will anyway.

I'm not asking for advice, just telling you where I am... and hoping you'll pray for God to be very clear on this issue this week.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008