Sitting in my puddle

I met a new friend yesterday. 

Through Twitter.

I love texting.

I love Twitter on my cell phone.

I started following a new Twitter friend last week when someone RTed (Twitter term for forwarding meaning Re-Tweet) me a message this person sent about not letting fear rule your day.

You know, last week when I was letting fear rule my day.

So, when my new Twitter friend, who I didn’t  know, except that she was not letting fear rule her day, commented that she was wearing flip-flops and stubbing her toe on purpose just because she is that ready for spring.  I had to respond that I had just purchased a package of oreos with the word “spring” on them and a giant butterfly, because I am just that ready for spring too!

We tweeted back and forth for awhile, mostly about chocolate.  Then she decided to check out just who she was tweeting with and read my profile. 

Yeah.

I make a great impression don’t I.

She commented I’d been through a lot.

Yeah.

Man sometimes I really hate that.  I really want to be someone else.

Anyway she ended up asking me if she could call me on the phone and talk.

This is when I decided maybe I should check out her profile…

Impressive.

So.  We talked.

I told her my story.

You know how I’ve been in a little bit of a down stage lately?  Okay.  I’ve been downright negative.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been hurting.  I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been hopeless.  I’ve been prayerless.  I’ve lost sight of my purpose.  I don’t see any light in my tunnel.  I don’t see anything changing.  Ever.  My life is going to be hard.  I am going to be alone.  I am going struggle and struggle and struggle and nothing is ever going to be easy.

I’ve been sitting in a mud puddle with no desire to get out.  None.

Yesterday, when my new friend Sue called me out of the land of Twitter… I started telling her my story.  Not the yuck, but the “Wow!”  The amazing provision of God for our family.  The great kids I have.  The awesome family support I have.  The business God has given to me. 

I’d forgotten.

I really thought God had forgotten me here in my puddle of muddy misery.  Because I am not seeing how He is being the Father to my fatherless children.  I am not seeing how He is being my husband.  I feel like I have to do it all myself.  I don’t see any hope of life being any different than it is right now.  Hard, overwhelming, and lonely.

I have mud in my eyes.

Sue used some of the wonderful Words of David to wash the mud out of my eyes. 

God used some of His wonderful, mysterious ways to wash the mud out of my eyes.

I felt like the strangling I hadn’t even realized had returned had been released from my neck and I could breathe again…

“Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get so crazy busy with life that we forget. Sometimes the noise of the crowd overwhelms the still small voice and we forget.

I think David did too.
I think that's exactly why he wrote these words in Psalm 103:1-2:”

Read the rest of Sue @ Praise and Coffee’s post inspired from our conversation last night by following this link.

Thanks Sue for showing me how God wanted to get me out of that puddle, show me my reflection, remind me of how faithful HE has been, and help me to speak truth again.

I pray things start getting a little more encouraging around here soon. 

Pam

Light Bulb Moments…

A scattering of thoughts…

** Sometimes it hits me all over again where my life is, circumstance wise, and is so overwhelming I just crumble.  I find I need to allow myself the chance to cry again over what has happened, allow it to be okay that it has been over 4 years since it happened… and just grieve it again for awhile.

Then the sun comes up again.  And all the power of the Word of God & the faith that has been forming in my heart as I have learned through the trial to BELIEVE. WAIT. HOPE. LOVE. FORGIVE. Floods back in.  And I am more thankful than I was before.  Because I see where I could be, and I see where I am… and I am blessed.

**No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be financially capable of supporting my family with my photography business, solo.

I am finding that I have been making myself crazed trying to figure out how to balance a business, 6 kids & a home.  All the while not losing my mind.  It’s not going very well.

** I am living in “survival mode”

WHAT?  AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

When my friend mentioned to me “you are in survival mode” the other day, it was like.  “OH MY WORD I AM!?!”  “I AM!”  How did I get there again??????

See, I was doing so well… then I started adding more and more to my plate… and suddenly it starting spilling over the sides… and I have a mess.

There is a certain peace that comes from realizing you are in survival mode and accepting it.

It’s good.

** I don’t have it figured out… but I do have peace back. 

I am going to do what I feel I can handle, business wise and no more.  That may mean I don’t do any photography some months… And will pick up more other months.  I hope my clients are flexible.  But, I really can’t worry about it if they are not.  If I am giving God the business & the Glory then it’s all really his problem to figure out anyway.

My top priority is going to go back to being my kids & their well being.  I am going to take control of my time.  I am going to stay on top of their lives. 

Again, I don’t know how.  There is only one of me.  And sometimes that really ticks me off.  But, it is what it is.  So, I will help with homework from 3:45 til 10:00… fit dinner, and a ball game in between… read books to them that they don’t understand when they read them themselves… go over spelling and grammar every night… stumble through Freshman  Biology vocab words over and over again… Figure out how F*A*S*F*A (if you’ve not sent a child to college yet you won’t know what that means, but one day soon you will, trust me!) works… clean up after the messy things my daughter does (apparently I am supposed to be supporting, encouraging, and allowing these “projects” which really goes against my nature)… then clean up again when she does things that I have not allowed or encouraged…

Again.  Not by my strength.  I can’t.  As soon as I start to think that I have to, I crumble. Or I get a call from a teacher saying my child was once again in the principal’s office. 

I cannot, on my own, be an advocate for each of my children in their schools.  God must raise up others.  God must send help.  He must.

I don’t know how HE does it.  And I confess it can really make me mad in the midst, to be wondering where HE is and why I can’t feel HIM… Because it sure “feels” like I have to do this on my own.

I don’t know how, but I know that even when I don’t feel it or see it or understand it… HE does.  And people are praying, and truth eventually comes around again, and I start to feel it again… and we go around.

**  I really, really, really, really, really, don’t like the load God is asking me to trust Him with.  It is after all about trust isn’t it.  Do I trust He is not going to give me more than I can bear?  (1 Cor 10:13)  I confess it feels like it is too much too many days. 

** So those are my light-bulbs for today.  I don’t have it all figured out, I make mistakes, I feel overwhelmed, I don’t like not getting my way, I am human living on earth… trying to learn to glorify God rather than myself.  Painful.

“All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.”  --John 17:10  (Jesus)

Pam

“Pain Perpetual”

“Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed?  Wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as water that fail?”  --Jeremiah 15:18

Some days this is what I feel like.  The wound incurable.  The pain perpetual.  The ever seeping wound that we just get used to having around and try to ignore as much as we can until suddenly the infection gets to be too much, again…

The thought that my life it always going to revolve around the event that occurred on September 16, 2005.  Like the devastation of an earthquake on my family.  How many years will the rebuilding take?  A lifetime? 

I want so badly to be healed.  To be free of the burden of the prayer.  To have my children healed.  To stop being alone.  To stop feeling all the weight of responsibility on my own shoulders. 

I do trust God. 

But, some days I feel like screaming (and some days I do scream)  “WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS???  WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE THIS??  DONT YOU SEE I AM FAILING???  DONT YOU SEE I CANT DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO???  CAN’T YOU SEE?????”

You know something else?  There are just no words for times when you feel like that.  All you can do is throw yourself on the ground and weep.  Throw yourself at the feet of the FATHER… and weep.  There are no answers.  At least not at that moment.

Sometimes we just have to take the day and cry. 

Sometimes.

Are we okay with letting that just be okay?

It is very hard to see someone in this kind of pain.  I admit that I don’t like to see others in  pain.  I also admit that I am one of those people who wants to give an answer, quote some scripture, say it’s all going to look better tomorrow, say whatever I think will bring that person comfort in that day…

Know what?  Sometimes it’s just better if we don’t say anything…

Isn’t that strange?

Praying God sees each of us through those times when we just feel like we aren’t going to make it.  Praying for HIM to show me the truth when I feel that way.

After all, He is the One in charge.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”  --Isaiah 58:11-12

Pam

19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam