I really wanted to use a stronger word than stinks… but, I’ll refrain. Do you remember on Thursday, I briefly mentioned that I had called HSSH to make sure he knew about James being in the musical this weekend?
If you caught it on Twitter, you already know he did come.
Sigh.
I know I did the right thing calling him. I know that. I do know that. I know it was the right thing.
The part that you don’t know about yet is that in the calling, in the emotions, I called him a second time. See, the first time he didn’t answer, and I left a message. After watching the first night, I wanted to make sure that he got the message, so I called him again.
79 minutes and 38 seconds later. We hung up.
79 minutes and 38 seconds of listening to the lies he believes, justification of how he is living, accusations of how all of it is still my fault. 79 minutes and 38 seconds of responding to the lies, justification, and accusations with TRUTH.
Maybe I should have hung up. That would have made him more angry. I thought about it. I tried to end the conversation politely more than a few times… he was not going to let it go. He wanted me to allow him to justify his behavior. I wouldn’t… you know because I am just that stubborn and bull headed. ;)
I know most of you have out your noose, and are ready to put it around HSSH’s head and kick out the chair, by now… oh trust me… I had mine out too this weekend…. keep reading….
I got off the phone and just sobbed… maybe because it is so exhausting to talk to someone like that for that long… maybe because some of the last couple of phone conversations we’d had lately had went so much better than this one… maybe because it felt like nothing had changed at all in his mind, and it feels like it never will. I don’t know… maybe because instead of being thanked for letting him know about the musical, I was receiving this treatment… and it was not fair.
Then to have him show up. Smiling. Not alone. Talk to the kids. Ignore me. Video camera in tow. I wanted to put a sign on his head that said… “I fought with my ex-wife for 79 mintues and 38 seconds today over the way I am choosing to NOT handle my children.”
URG.
Not to mention, I was a nervous wreck from the time we got off the phone until we left the musical. Shaking. Sweating. Not Hungry. Irritable. I couldn’t stop it. This happens to me often when he is going to be around. I have NOT missed it. Don’t wish to start it up again. Ever.
Leah and Kiahna didn’t see him. They didn’t go to the musical that night. He talked to James afterwards, he talked to Zach before, he talked to Lucas at intermission. I don’t really know what they talked about. I was there when he talked to Jadon. It lasted a couple minutes.
Jadon walked over to me after talking to him, looked up at me and said, “WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?” (in a not happy tone) It upset him. We’ve had to talk and pray through some things with him since then, but he seems to be acting normally again.
James was glad his dad was there, but didn’t say much about it. I know it meant more than James even realizes, and I know that it was for the best.
It’s taken me a few days to be able to say that it was worth it though. To say that I would think of calling him again one day to tell him anything. To see things as the Spiritual battle that I know this all is, and not as the hurt, unfairly treated, scape goat for his problems, victim.
There is never any guarantee that just because we do the right things, other people are going to do the right thing back. There is also no guarantee that they will not use you. Or try to manipulate you. Or that you will turn out the “winner” or that things will end up like you want them.
So does that mean I stop doing the right thing? Because he isn’t?
Tempting.
Very Tempting.
A couple thoughts I am having about this… God says that vengeance is His… That He is our Warrior. That He wants to fight for us. Do I really want to take this into my own hands and start making the rules myself for how this all should be handled? Honestly, doing things how God says, doesn’t appear to be working out all that well when it comes to HSSH. It doesn’t seem to be making any difference in HSSH’s life… and it is very hard to keep putting myself out there like this.
Am I willing to keep asking God how to handle this so I can sleep at night and have peace in my heart? Is it enough that I believe with all my heart that He has told me to pray? That He has told me to wait? That HE wants to bring restoration into HSSH’s life? Is that enough? Am I willing to let God lead me? Even if I end up hurting again?
Interestingly, in the Esther Bible Study I am working on, the workbook said this recently…
“Joseph’s made-up mind was stronger than his mood. Likewise, the sight of Haman didn’t just hit Mordecai the wrong way one day when he was feeling so contentious that he bucked the system and refused to bow. Even on the days when buckling his knees would have seemed easier than being harassed, Mordecai’s made-up mind was stronger than his mood."
Week 3, Day 1, pg 62
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” Col 3:2
I don’t take it as a coincidence that this lesson is based on anger… nope.
“We swap pain for anger because it’s easier for awhile, and boy, can it be energizing! Soon mad turns to mean. Friends turn to enemies. And Agags turn to Hamans.”
Beth Moore, Week 3 Day 1, pg 59
What about something else I read recently? In a devotional from Rejoice Ministries, a ministry that encourages people to stand for their marriages, it was talking about the biggest tests coming right before victory.
I don’t know if this would be considered “biggest” test. It certainly has been yet another test. And the choice in my mind must be made, will I keep standing? Is it worth it?
It’s only worth it for one reason. God is asking me to do it. And I will do it for Him. He, giving me the strength to go on. I will keep praying, keep believing, keep standing, keep hoping, keep blessing, keep doing the right things. One day at a time. In His strength. Not mine.
Will you pray with me…
Father, there is hurt… You are the healer… There is injustice… You are the judge… There is sin… You are the forgiver… We need you. We can’t do this without You. I want to be in Your Plan. I want Your Best. I don’t want to quit doing what You ask because it gets too hard. I don’t want to stop because it looks too impossible. I don’t want to be unbelieving, and miss it. I want to finish this race that I have begun in you… I pray a blessing on this man, my ex-husband, and the father of my children. I pray that You would touch His life. That You would touch His mind. That You would touch his eyes and ears, and open them. I pray that he would turn from his wicked ways and repent… I pray that Your mercy would be upon him. I pray that You would give us the ability to be the waiting family, when our prodigal father comes home… so that we don’t slam the door in his face. None of us. We can’t do this on our own. I thank You for bringing others to stand with us. To pray for us in the weak days, to rejoice with us in the strong days. To lift our arms when we cannot keep them up ourselves… in Jesus Name, Amen.
Pam
Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This, March 15, 2009
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