Testimony Tuesday

Today I am going to go back into my journal and share from February 2006.  Beginning at my trip to Dorie’s house, and my visit to the prayer room near her house.

2/3/2006… I feel the presence of the Lord as I sit in this room.  I want to weep.  I had so much unrest as I let HSSH rob me of my peace of mind again.  As I sit here there is an overwhelming feeling.

2/4/2006… “Every Word of God is pure, He is a shield to them that put their trust in Him.”  Proverbs 30:5  Oh Lord, I need YOU to be that shield for me.  I put my trust in YOU.  I confess that I became filled with fear-anger-frustration about what HSSH is doing to our marriage.  About what kind of lawyer he hired. 

As I sat in that prayer room yesterday, I had this overwhelming sense of Your presence that brought tears to my eyes.  The longer I sat there watching the other people there, hearing the Word spoken and sang, I broke down.  Dorie prayed with me Jeremiah 29:11 and other Scripture.  I had my cry and opened the Word again.  I drank deeply in the Word letting it sooth my wounded heart.  It was a place that my mind is not sure what to do with.  But, my soul yearns to go back.

2/6/2006…I dread returning to my life.  This has been such an awesome break from reality-spiritual growth-rest-relaxation-conversation- just a blessing!  You are so very, very good to me!  You care so deeply and intimately about my life.  My pain.  My sorrow. 

“The name of the Lord is a strongtower, the righteous run into it, and are safe”  Proverbs 18:10

2/7/2006…Oh Lord my God, You are my refuge and my strength.  You are holding on to me as I dangle over a pit of despair and fear.  I know how easily it would be to fall today.  HOLD ME IN YOUR RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND!!!  Help me to handle one issue at a time.  I have a notice of a certified letter which will be divorce papers.  I have the normal adjustments it takes to get back into the swing of being a mom again.  Only by Your Almighty Grace can I do this.

“For I the Lord thy God will hold your right hand, saying unto you, fear not, I will help you”  Isaiah 41:13

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, July 29, 2008

Fox Hole Friends

You know what a fox hole is, right?  One of those holes you dig in intense battle to hide in.  The people that join you in those holes quickly become your friend as you face death and destruction together.

God gave me a friend like that.  It is one of the most incredible friendships I have.  One, because of the way it came about.  Two, because we can talk about anything.  Three, because we have come so far together - so far apart!

Because of the sensitivity of their story, I won’t use her real name.  And I won’t be posting any pictures.  It’s a bummer, but it’s the nature of the battle.

Before HSSH left, I was already addicted spending lots of time researching important topics on the Internet.  Mostly adoption issues.

I met Dorie on a Yahoo site.  She and her dh were in the beginning stages of adopting a baby.  We had lots in common and chatted easily.

As time went on and difficult things developed in their adoption, I was there for her.  And then my life came crashing in.  She was there for me.

I remember standing at my living room window having the thought that I didn’t know who of my friends would be here for me when life had just fallen to pieces.  Realizing that the person I had communicated with the most lately I had never even met.

Dorie and I continued our relationship, and I had many friends I could SEE come to my rescue also.  She got unlimited long distance, so phone calls became a daily thing, as we unloaded our lives on each other and cried on each other’s  our own phone receivers, to each other.

A few months after HSSH left, I really needed a break from my kids, my life, my HSSH, my reality, myself!  I did probably the most daring thing I had ever done in my life, and I bought a ticket to fly and meet my Internet friend!

It was exciting and fun!  We ran around while her wonderful dh watched her kids!  We were so alike in so many ways that we even came out dressed identical one day!  That was too funny!  It was a break from my circumstances that I so desperately needed, in more than one way.

On that trip God met me in an incredible way.  Near her home there is a House of Prayer.  Here in our area they were beginning one too.  I was excited, and oh so naive, to get the chance to go and check it out.  What I found was the Spirit of God in a way I never knew existed.

In the midst of my pain, frustration, agony, God met me.  Brought me a friend who took me to a place that would blow my “God box” wide open.

Do you have a God box?  I sure did.  A place that you try to keep God contained.  It’s all nice and neat and comfortable.  I pulled Him out when I needed Him and He stayed there until I needed Him again.  It looked a certain way and was decorated with certain things based on the church I attended and the experiences I had.

This was the beginning stages of my adventure in figuring out for myself that MY GOD doesn’t fit in any box. (Although, I don’t deny that I sure keep trying to make Him fit in one in many ways)  He is wild and amazing.  More incredible and more capable than I ever imagined.  HE is so very, very good to me. 

As I sat in the prayer room for the first time, I began to weep.  The Sprit of God was so great in that room.  It was what my soul was longing for.  It was less than an hour that we were there, and it changed me.

I have made a few more trips out there to see Dorie since then, and she is making her second trip out here this week!  Our battles still rage, just mentally on some days, and just different enough that we understand each other’s emotions without stepping on each other’s toes.  The perfect fox hole friend.

God is so amazing!  Love you Dorie!  Just keep swimming!!!

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, July 28, 2008

An Opportunity

Tonight was the last night of our Beth Moore Bible Study Stepping Up.  We were told ahead of time that we would be given the opportunity to share what God has done for us this summer at the end of the evening.

Progress for me is that I have come to terms with the idea that when given the opportunity to share what God has done for me, I need to take it.  So, I didn’t sit there wringing my hands and arguing with God over why I couldn’t possibly stand before a group of women and speak this time.  I still shook profusely and cried.  But, I didn’t hesitate.

When we began the study I wrote a little about it, It was talking about taking that next step with God.  Some quotes from Beth in that first video were,

“This will become for us the next step to where God is taking us”

“What we are going through we’re not staying in.”

“Our circumstances will feel a whole lot better when we get it through our head we are not staying here.”

“We are just movin’ up!”  (WITH TEXAS ACCENT!)

“By the time we’re done we’re gonna move up to the next stage with God”

Oh, how I long for that.  To be out of these circumstances.  To feel happy. To feel Joy.  Not fleetingly.  But “normally”.  Not once in a while. But most of the time.  Not living in a place that has me stuck in what isn’t.  But, moving forward to what is to come.  I had no idea how to get there.  But, I sure wanted to go.

Today, tonight, I realized how far God has brought me, even in these last 6 weeks of Bible Study.  And in sharing on this blog.  Processing things.  Moving forward.  Letting what I have experienced help someone else, maybe, because I was bold enough to share it.

As Beth finished up the study tonight, she said these things.

“We watch what someone else goes through and we think, ‘I could never do that’”

“We don’t understand the grace of God.”

“When the time comes the strength will be there.”

“There will be a fresh anointing.”

“If He calls on us, the strength will be there.”

I can’t tell you the countless times I have been told that I am strong.  And that what I am going through, how I responded, how I am surviving, they could never do. 

The fact is “I” can’t do it either.  I can’t do what I have done.  I can’t live through what I have lived through.  I can’t have joy again.  I can’t laugh again.  I can’t live again.  I can’t.  Not on my own.

The grace of God is where it comes from.  Plain, simple, misunderstood Grace. 

Beth ended the study with a song…

Today, Jadon was talking about people he could marry.  And people I could marry.  It is a kick he is on.  He talks about it a lot.  I was only half (or less) listening to him ramble on.  And then suddenly he said, "Could you marry Jesus, mommy?"

Um... 4 year old... theology... bride of Christ... I guess son.  I guess I kind of could.

My flesh says, No.  I don't want "just Jesus". 

Tonight, like Beth had a window into my living room, she said. 

"Jesus is the One that every broken road I have ever been on led to.  I have one Savior.  As much as I love my husband it is not him."

After I shared what this study has meant to me with these ladies, they gathered around me to pray.  One even washed my feet.  How humbling, how amazing, how encouraging.

God You are too good.  I am so glad You are my husband.

For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.   Isaiah 54:5

Pam

Originally Published on You're Gonna Miss This, July 21, 2008

That First Month

I’ve been reading some of my journal entries from the first month after HSSH left.  It’s interesting.  How much faith and hope I had in the midst of the depression and discouragement.

I was raised in Church.  I knew the stories.  I knew the verbiage.  I knew what was right.  I knew what was wrong.  On some level I believed that if you just did all the right things that somehow things in your life would go the way that they were supposed to.

My natural personality is very strong.  I was SUPERMOM.  I was going to save all my children, my marriage, and adopt a house full of kids while using cloth diapers and living in a spotless house… in a single bound.

The problem was that I had made so many huge mistakes.  To compensate I was becoming more legalistic in my beliefs because if we LOOKED like we had it all together then maybe somehow we would.

Of course I couldn’t see what I was doing until the world came crashing in. 

I was blinded to so many things.  I was blinded to my own fears.  Fears that would come out in the early morning hours while I was journaling and praying, and then I would tuck away as I dove into the busy home- school-mom-of-seven life.

I was blinded to what HSSH was doing and feeling.  I knew he was depressed.  But, I trusted him.  I never let myself consciously believe it would ever go to these extremes.  I knew he was shutting down.  I knew he was working so many hours.  I just couldn’t help him.  He wouldn’t let me.  Every effort I made caused him more anger, which now I realized was really guilt.

Now every woman’s worst nightmare was happening to me.  But I was strong.  I could do this too.

After he was gone for 3 weeks I wrote this…

Learning to live all over again.

Learning what it truly means to trust God.

Learning how to take up my cross and follow Him.

Learning that life isn’t fair and doesn't make sense, but God is still carrying me and let’s me cast my burden upon Him.

Learning how much grace “sufficient” grace really is.

Learning that when you trust God you don’t have to come up with the ideas on how He should fix it.

Learning that when things look worse in earthly standards, in the big picture my prayers are actually being heard and the refining fire is doing it’s transforming work.

Learning that God will not allow this fire to destroy me.

Learning to understand how ALIVE the Word of God really is.

Learning that God loves my husband more than I do.

Learning that satan’s attacks know no bounds.

Learning what it means to put on the whole armor of God daily.

Learning that speaking the Word in truth and faith truly does quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.

Learning that a sound mind is a beautiful thing.

Learning that some days I have to learn these things over and over again.

Little did I realize, three weeks into a battle that is coming close to the 3 year mark, how true these statements would all become.  Especially the part about learning them over and over again.

Little did I know how far my own strength would go. Or how hard it would be for me to learn to accept that HIS strength would only be made perfect in my weakness.

My story is one of God’s faithfulness in these days.

Pam

Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This, July 21, 2008

Steppin Up… Steppin Out

This morning I finished my second to last day of homework in the Beth Moore Bible Study I have been in this summer, Stepping Up.  I am really going to be sad to have it end! 

God is really using Beth’s writing in my life.  She has become like a wonderful friend I have never met!  If you have been with me in the past 3 years, you know how often her writing has spoken directly to my circumstances.  The Holy Spirit is amazing! 

This is what I read this morning in the study…

“Ask any song writer of our time and he or she will tell you that the clearest and deepest words God grants the soul are often those that come in a dark season of life.  One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you’ll receive it.  To stand in the presence of the Lord when you’d rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him—these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory.”

This is exactly what my journals are to me.  The deepest words God granted my soul in the darkest season of my life and my battle cry of victory.  I am gonna make it, and crazy as it is, I believe he will too.

Stepping out of my comfort zone to share these things is hard sometimes.  I don’t see the things that you may see.  I read what I wrote and I remember that they were survival.  I remember the pain. 

Pray with me about what to do with this story.  What God wants to use it all for.  Another thing that Beth Moore says often is, "He has given you life experiences intended to turn into testimonies and ministries that help make the Savior irresistible to the seeker."

I want to be found faithful.

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, On July 18, 2008

She’s Gonna Make It.

You have to know that since that dreadful night in 2005 I have filled 6 journals with my prayers, pain, and events.  I look and them and have no idea where to start to share the story of how I have gotten from there to here.

I found this in my journal.  About a month after HSSH left he came back to talk to me.  He asked me if I had ever heard the song She’s Gonna Make it by Garth Brooks.  I didn’t remember that I had.  Tonight I looked it up, this is what it is.

He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane
And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

None of this has to be this way… my heart breaks all over again.

Pam

Originally posted at You're Gonna Miss This, on July 17, 2008

The beginning

The memory of that night is etched deeply in my mind.   The pain of it brings tears to my eyes even now.

It was very late, after midnight when HSSH fled from our home. 

It felt like something came in and stole him from me.

I called my parents and woke them.  I told them I was coming over.

I was strong until I walked up on the porch of my parent’s house. I fell into my dad’s arms.  I wailed like I don’t believe I have ever wailed before, and pray I never will again.

I had to calm enough to get the words out and tell them what had happened.  Their tears and weeping met with mine.

Before HSSH walked out, I really felt we were going to be okay.  I had a peace I can’t explain.  I knew we would make it through. 

Now I was afraid.  Where did he go?  What was he doing?  Why did he run?  What happened?

He was so broken.  So ashamed.  So very sorry for what he had done.  He hated himself.  He couldn’t look at me or touch me.

The next day is also etched in my mind.  I love the autumn days.  It was one of those perfect September days.  I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  It was all going to go away.  He was going to drive back in the drive at any moment.

But, as the day wore on.  He didn’t come back.  He finally called.  The news of where he was broke my heart all over again.  This is not happening to me.  To us.  To our family.

I stood at my living room window wondering what I was going to do.  What people were going to do?  Who would be here for me?  Would anyone care for us? 

I went to my Bible for help.  I found it.  It was the only thing that brought me peace.  The first scripture I wrote in my journal after HSSH left was Isaiah 49:13-16…

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
       the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
       I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
       your walls are ever before me.

As the days moved forward,

Shock begin to settle in. 

Things begin to get fuzzy.

People started finding out.

People started helping.

I have no recollection of how my children were handling things. 

I remember trying to give them hope that their dad was returning.

Supermom had died and their dad was gone.

I couldn’t eat.  I learned a new level of grief.  One that involved no appetite.  No caring.  The most horrifying way to lose the 20 lbs you’ve been wanting to lose.

My children’s schooling began to concern others.  I was the one responsible.  It wasn’t happening.  Someone paid the tuition for them to go to a private school.

I think I walked around my house in a daze.  Talked on the phone.  Took long walks to clear my head.  Poured over the Bible, searching for an answer.  Prayed.

Meals began to come in from loving friends.  My neighbor started organizing who would bring meals when.

People sent cards.

People sent money.

We didn’t hear from HSSH often, but when we did it would send me into a tail spin that would last for days. 

Days moved into weeks, weeks into months, months have become years.

A friend told me of her sister and her husband separating for a year and reconciling.  My thoughts were, “I can’t do this for a year”.

Breathing became a chore.  Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Forcing myself to eat.  Forcing myself to care.  Forcing myself to live.  God giving me the grace to do them.

The bottom came for me the day that friends came over to pick up my laundry to wash for us.  Nothing is more humbling than having someone wash your pathetic, neglected, unmentionables.

I was amazed at the help that came to us.  I was humbled.  I was blessed. 

Even last night in our Stepping Up Bible study with Beth Moore, she spoke of the American way being self sufficient.  That equals success in our society.  It brought to mind how we have become very “unsuccessful”.

People in this amazing community I live in stepped in and did so much for us.  They still do.  Meals, money, groceries, odd jobs, babysitting, cleaning, teaching, car pooling, talking, caring, listening, reading, writing, loving, praying, believing.

We needed a miracle.

Pam

Originally Posted on “You’re Gonna Miss This” July 15, 2008

Introduction

I confess.  I love to write.  In many ways writing has saved my life.  If I would keep all the things inside I would explode, or die of poisoning!  Writing and talking about things gets the poison out.  Gets the lies out.  Gets the truth out. 

It is interesting, I have had this post, and the ones that will follow on this topic, bouncing around in my head for a few days.  And as they were bouncing I read that my new blog friend, Stacy, over at anymommy,  has been feeling the same way.  She exposed her heart about their disrupted adoption… I could write about that.  Then not long after I found that another mom, who’s blog I can’t seem to find at the moment, had also read Stacy’s brave story and felt the courage to share her own heart with the blog world.  Her story was one of miscarriage… I could write about that too.  Then I read last night about a family who’s little girl they adopted from Haiti was just diagnosed with leukemia.  Please Pray for Abby, who’s family looks remarkably like mine was supposed to look, and who’s mommy’s heart for adoption reflects many things that mine feels… I could write about that.

So what am I going to do with my blog?  In the beginning it was merely a place to send some pictures to a few close friends who’s e-mails were getting clogged up with my huge e-mail files that included pictures.  It is evolving into something else.  And to be quite honest I have fear.

The things that we have been through and I feel like I am being asked to share involve other people.  If those other people read this, what will they say?  How will they use it against me?  I won’t be using real names for these people.  Okay, one person really.  My ex-husband.   Yes, I have an ex-husband.  I am divorced.  I still can’t believe it.  I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would be using that word to describe me.

Who I used to be… I used to be a very different person than I am today.  We all change.  Some of us the easy way, some not so easy.  I don’t really like many of the things about the person I used to be.  Mainly the way I used to think.  The pride I used to harbor.  The fears I used to have.  The secrets I used to hide. 

I didn’t even realize I was hiding secrets.  I didn’t realize I was so afraid or proud either. 

I used to be a home school mom.  I used to be an adoption (I want to use the word freak, but that doesn’t sound quite right) I was obsessed with adoption.  I got pregnant before I married my HSSH (high school sweet heart, hope you don’t mind Stacy, seems better than making up a name for him).  I met HSSH when I was 15.  We married when I was 3 months pregnant and 18 years old.  He went active in the army.  I’ve been an army wife.  We lived in Germany and Texas during those years.  We had 3 more children.  We moved back to where we both grew up to raise our kids.  We owned our own business.  We devoted our lives to our children, our church, our God.  We adopted 2 kids.  We were in the process of adopting a third.

Life was not perfect, but I can make it sound like it was.  Of course it was hard.  Of course we had our struggles.  We had 3 birth mom’s change their minds and decide to parent their babies.  I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever endure.

HSSH and I made some business choices that led to us losing the business for reasons out of our control.  HSSH began to be depressed.

My journal entry from September 6, 2005…

Oh God, help me to reach out to him.  I want so much more out of our relationship, but I have no idea how to get it.  I confess to You that I am afraid.  Afraid that he has fallen into sin that will destroy his soul.  I see him moving farther away from both of us.  I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I need to let go of the plans I have for another adoption.  HSSH needs me to give him more.  It absolutely breaks my heart to think of saying no to this baby and see someone else take it.  But he needs to be my top priority.  As he is pulling away from me, I need so much wisdom and guidance.  It is the desire of my heart to have HSSH’s time, attention, love, and spend time talking to him.  That is my #1 priority.  I don’t think he feels it.  Help me to make that happen.  And if I have to give up this adoption to make that happen grant me the ability to do that.  My heart wants both, If I can’t, I choose HSSH.  Help me dear Lord.  Refine me as silver, that I may see Your ways.  Do Your will.  Walk in Your light.

Two weeks later, on a Friday evening, we had returned from a Home School event.  HSSH wanted to talk.  I was glad.  I knew something was bothering him and we needed to talk.  What he said was not anything like I had ever even let myself fear.

He had fallen into adultery.  He confessed.  He cried.  I cried.  I told him we would be okay.  I was relieved in a sense.  Finally knowing what the problem was meant we could get help and fix this, right?  Wrong.  He decided not to accept my forgiveness and walked out that very same night, with nothing.

Our lives have been changed forever…

Pam

Originally posted on “You’re Gonna Miss This” July 14, 2008