Hear Us From Heaven…

This song came to my mind this morning as I was praying… It’s so amazing to sing and worship with…

Pam

The Sunrise…

After hearing Psalm 19, AGAIN, in church recently… I guess it is time to share this part of the promise with you.

Psalm 19: 1-6

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
       the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
       night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
       where their voice is not heard.

4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
       their words to the ends of the world.
       In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
       like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
       and makes its circuit to the other;
       nothing is hidden from its heat.

Early one morning, close to a year after HSSH left, I was praying and looking out my front window.  The sun was coming up, and I felt like God spoke to me these words.

HSSH'S REALIZATION COMES LIKE THE SUNRISE.  IT WILL COME, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.  YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP IT OR TO MAKE IT HAPPEN FASTER.

I discounted these words as my overactive-wishful imagination, and kind of forgot about them. 

The next day I traveled to visit a friend out of town.  We went to the IHOP (International House of Prayer) where they have been praying, singing, worshiping 24/7 for  years.  One of the singers began singing from the scripture in Psalms 19,  she sang these words...

"Even the sunrise prophesies" 

I sat in awe and tears, and the memory of what I had discounted as my imagination, only days earlier came flooding back to me immediately.

A couple months later my dad called me, just to tell me about the beauty of the sunrise... He didn't know what I had heard (I felt too crazy to share). 

This past spring, my counselor said to me, "the sun is coming up on your future"  And these words, again, came flooding back into my mind… He didn't know of what God had said either.

Still waiting.

Pam

If I could write a letter…

“…And then I’d say I know it’s tough when you break up after seven months, I know you really liked her, and it just don’t seem fair.  All I can say it pain like that is fast and it’s rare.

Oh you got so much going for you, going right… but, I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night…she wasn’t right for you, but still it hurts like there’s a knife, sticking out of your back, and you’re wondering if you’ll survive… you’ll make it through this and you’ll see…”  ---Letter to Me, Brad Paisley

These words have been in my heart and mind these past 24 hours… I’ve been praying for my son as he works through the break up with his girlfriend.  I’ve been praying that he learns, that he finds healing, rather than this make him more angry, or repeat his parent’s mistakes… Only God.  Heal my son’s broken heart.

Another 2 hour delay of school this morning has brought with it extra time for me to be reading, praying, and processing things in my own journal.  I sit amazed this morning at how God worked yesterday, our wedding anniversary date… or should I say, our un-anniversary date… don’t quite know what to call it… let’s call it a day that God used to bring more healing into my life.  Yeah, that’s a good name.

Your love, prayers, and comments yesterday touched my heart.  I am truly blessed to get to walk through these days surrounding by amazing people far and near. 

The day began with my usual Monday breakfast date.  My sister-in-law (HSSH’s brother’s wife) Judy, Kiahna and I.  Somehow we ended up talking about HSSH and I, back in the dating years.  For some reason she had never heard that part of the story.  How completely jelly like he made me.  How I couldn’t seem to muster a rational thought to save my life.  How the people observing must have been completely frustrated with my choices.  How oblivious I was to all of that. 

In that conversation, at least two things occurred.  One, I had a new heart of compassion as I remembered myself at 17, and the very real pain of break up and relationship. That resulted in more of a compassion and understanding for the feelings of my son later in the day.  Second, I realized that HSSH no longer holds that kind of control over me.  I don’t feel like I am in a place where I would crumble at the sight of him, like I would have, oh, say, maybe a year ago?  Two years ago… most certainly 20 years ago. 

The realization that the “stand” I take today for our marriage is not one of a emotional, dependent, have to have this or I’ll die attachment… but one coming from a more healthy, this is what God is asking of me, and I hold it, with an open hand, believing God can do all things…

Second, I had a phone conversation, for the first time, with my now real life friend Paula!  I was able to talk freely about some of the grunge of the past few years… and I was able to walk away from it without doubting myself.  In fact when I asked her if I had made her question my sanity knowing more of the details… she replied “the more impossible a situation looks, the more glory He receives”.  Amen, sister.  Thanks for the listening ear that I needed yesterday… and for standing with me.

Later in the evening, after my massage, after dinner, after still fighting a headache all day… I got a third chance to talk to a friend.  She had no idea it was our anniversary, and “just happen” to call… with her I talked about how things are today…

In hindsight I see that God allowed three conversations, all directed towards different portions of my life.  All to show me the big picture of where things actually are today.  To help me deal with my son.  To help me get through a potentially difficult day, with healing, with hope, and seeing how HE continues to bring beauty, life, and hope out of the ashes…

How incredibly Good He is.

In my distress I called to the LORD;
       I cried to my God for help.
       From his temple he heard my voice;
       my cry came before him, into his ears.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
       he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
       but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place;
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

--Psalm 18:6, 16-19

Pam

Originally Published on You're Gonna Miss This,  January 20, 2009

It should have been…

18 years.

But. 

I am to the point this year, that I really am not grieving it anymore.  But, it’s there.  What do you do with it?  Just let it go by?  Nothing said?  Like it never existed?  Like it isn’t happening?

I hate that things are like they are and not like they should be.

I hate that this day brings a twinge sadness rather than overwhelming joy.

Let me tell you how I survived the first year our anniversary came after he had left us. 

I sent out an e-mail, made some phone calls, and invited every lady I could think of to join me for dinner.  I reserved the backroom in a local restaurant.  And we had a wonderful time, eating, talking, and surviving.

That night will be forever etched in my mind.  It brings tears to my eyes when I think about those days, how hard every day was, how hard that day was, and how everyone rallied around me that day.

God is so Good.  All the time.

I’ve made it through 3 of these dates now alone, I’ll make it through this one too.  I am even going to go have a massage and pamper myself a little bit this afternoon!

Pam

More on Waiting.

Good Morning, Hoping someone came over from You're Gonna Miss This, to read this today! 

I have been having some thoughts about this whole standing issue.  Thought I would share them here with you. 

I feel like my biggest struggle is with the waiting.  The time that has past.  If only so much time had not past… then it would be easier to believe?  Maybe?  Maybe not.

In his book Intercessory Prayer, Dutch Sheets makes the statement…

“Warring and winning were born from worshipping and waiting”

I was so struck by that this week.  This waiting is all part of the plan?  The waiting is doing a work in me?  Will I wait for God to do what I think He told me He will do?  Or will I decide that I have waited long enough and God didn’t really say that stuff…  

Then I was reading my Bible in Daniel.  I did Beth Moore's Study on Daniel a couple years ago.  I pulled out the workbook yesterday for a refresher on what it was saying in these confusing chapters.

This is what I found…

“In verse 25 (ch. 7) you noted that the antichrist will ‘oppress’ the saints.  Oppress ‘literally means ‘to wear away’ or ‘to wear out,’ as one would wear out a garment.’  Though Satan’s persecutions of God’s people will reach full measure in the last days, he certainly oppresses Christians today.  Meditate for a moment on the definition for the word oppress offered in this paragraph.

** How does Satan attempt to oppress you as described in the definition?

God has given me definite promises for my life & marriage, and for HSSH’s life.  I can so see how as I wait, the enemy does all he can to wear me down.

One of Satan’s most effective schemes is simply to wear God’s people out.  Satan uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up on opposing him.  We must not give up!  As believers in Christ in whom the Spirit of God dwells, Satan may be able to wear out our human strength, but he cannot wear out the Holy Spirit’s.  We can call upon God’s supernatural strength to fight the good fight of faith and persist in our proclamation of Christ, the son of the Most High God.

Do you see what I saw?  God speaking?  Confirming my waiting?  Showing me how I am continually fighting that same fight?  When will I overcome and decide I am not going to let the enemy discourage me on the length of time it is taking for God’s promises to be fulfilled? 

Maybe today.

Pam

Counting on God

Yesterday a friend told me about a new praise and worship song that came out… she suggested that it would be an encouragement to me if I wanted to find it on you-tube… I did… It was… and I will share it here with you.  Counting on God, by Desperation Band

Pam

Wise or Foolish?

Did anyone notice anything? 

Like, how last week, when I finished writing the post titled Standing, I ended with the words, “Tomorrow I will tell you the things that I found when I went back into my journals...”  And even though almost a week has past.  I haven’t.

Maybe you didn’t notice. 

Maybe you did.

God has been, oh, how should I put this?  Dealing with me on this.  You see, it is not that I haven’t had the time to write that post.  It was written up the same time as the first post.  And it is sitting in my “drafts” box.  I pulled it up a couple times last Wednesday and just couldn’t hit the “publish” button.

At first, I wasn’t sure why I hesitated.  I don’t know if I even asked God to show me why I hesitated.  One of the things I like about God, is that even when I  don’t know what I need to know, He does.   And He has such an amazing way of speaking.  If only I have ears to hear.

Lord, give me ears to hear.  Even when I don’t want to hear what You are saying.  And even when I don’t realize I need to hear something.

You know what I realized?  I was hesitating about posting the things that I believe God told me about my marriage because I didn’t know if I really believed it anymore.  It has been easy to say I did.  But, God was opening my eyes to the fact that deep down, in the dark places of my soul.  I had quit believing.  Quit hoping. 

I don’t want to look like a fool. I don’t want to be wrong.  In fact, not wanting to be wrong, that might be where I struggle the most.  If you asked HSSH, trust me, he would tell you that I always have to be right.  One of my biggest faults.

So, what if I am wrong.  What if all that I think I heard God say about HSSH and my life is a misunderstanding? 

I’ve had to come to the point where I am willing to look foolish for God.  Take the risk of being wrong.  And believe.

Thursday morning, I heard Graham Cooke say on a cd…

“As believers we must hit a time when we overcome.  You've gotta cross that line and get a Mindset, in your tiny little brain, that says, know what?  I'm gonna change the way I think and I'm gonna start overcoming.  I think I'm gonna live in God's shadow.  You've gotta hit a time when your not being pushed around anymore.  You're not laid low easily.  You're not always on the defensive.  You're not always, you know, struggling from on trauma to another.”

I sat in the car pool line at preschool and thought, “I have to write this down.  This is where I am with HSSH.  This is where I am with this stand.”

I have got to stop letting the circumstances (which would make your ears bleed if I told them to you) control my hope, and start overcoming.  Stop jumping back and forth between doubt and belief.  God doesn’t want me doing that. 

So what if I am wrong?  Am I willing to look foolish for God?  Am I willing to take a chance that God did speak to me?  And that He really does want to do what He said He will do?  Is the hold up my lack of faith? 

It boils down to this.  I believe God spoke to me over and over and over again about our circumstances.  I believe He spoke to others about our circumstances.  Do I understand what all that means?  I don’t know that I do.  Will I be guilty of staying silent for fear of being wrong?  God forbid.

Whatever the outcome.  I will Trust You God.

So, Here’s the first one I am going to share with you… Coincidentally, it too came through something that Graham Cooke said in one of his books…

*************

This is from a journal entry of mine dated… 4/19/2006

I was reading the book Crafted Prayer by Graham Cooke.

In the book it encourages us to search for the will of God and pray along the lines of what He is doing, and then receive answers to our prayers.  (my paraphrase)

So these are the notes that I had written in my journal.  Questions that the book said to ask God, and the answers I felt God giving me.  I remember when I did this. The answers were extremely quick to come into my mind, and they amazed me. (answers in all caps) I knew that I, in no way could have come up with these answers, especially in that quick amount of time, and this cleverly...

1.  What is it that God wants to be for me now that He could not be at any other time?

EVERYTHING.

2.  What is God doing in me to make me more like Jesus? 

REFINING.

3.  What else is God doing through me to the people around me as I go through these circumstances? 

MANIFOLD WITNESS OF MY LOVE AND POWER.

Questions for God...

* So what are You up to?  RESOLUTION

* What's happening here?  RESTORATION.

* What is it You want to do?  REFINE.

* I know, You... You're up to something, what is it?  REPAIR.   

* what does it look like?  REPENTANCE.

* what's the plan Father?  RETRUBUTION

* What do you want me to do?  REST.

It amazed me most that all of those last 5 started with "R"... And with how quickly they came to my mind, I knew I was not making them up myself...

In the coming months God continued to confirm these to me... Through His word, other people's comments, the Bible studies I was in, and praying with others, it was just amazing. 

Time and circumstances have repeatedly tried to rip these from me.  Going back and rereading them, I am thinking today that I should have these posted on my forehead, instead of having to dig in a journal to find them!  What is my problem? 

*******************

There are a couple of other things I want to do.  First, I have recommitted myself in the past few days to believing that this is really what God wants to do in our lives.  Second, I have begun collecting posts I have written on this topic and I am compiling them in a new blog called “Standing”.  I am asking you if you will come along side me in prayer.  Prayer for my family.  Myself.  And my Ex-Husband.  Believing with me that God’s words would be fulfilled in our lives.  Whatever that means.  However long it takes. Whatever that looks like.  His Best. 

Third, I want to write about it more often. I want to tell you more about how God is speaking to me in this area.  I want to give you the chance to grow and be stretched along with me (see how nicely I share!)

Are you with me?

My pastor said Sunday morning about Solomon… “he started out strong, but didn’t end so well.”  (and I am thinking, yeah and he was one of the wisest men who ever lived!)  But, I saw myself in this… God has asked me to believe Him for Restoration of my family.  I started out so strong… how will it end?

Pam

Originally Published on the blog “You’re gonna Miss This” January 12, 2008

Standing.

This post comes to you from my heart… and I feel like it really puts my heart out on a limb… you very well may not agree with me in this, but I pray that you will understand my heart in this one… You have no idea how much I’d like to just pretend like this isn’t what I feel led to post today and go on to something fun… but… here it is… 

There is something that I keep trying to put down… and God won’t let me.  There is something that I really want to let go of… and God isn’t ready for me to.  There is something that makes me feel like a crazy person when I write about it, or confess my belief in it… and God just smiles at me.  There is something that I really don't want to write about on here... But God says it is time. 

Recently, God has brought me three, countem’, three, new blogging friends.  THREE!  Big deal, you say… new friends show up on your site daily… yes, but these three new friends are all walking in the same path I am in… Sheryl was the first one that I "met"... We've been chatting and she asks me some hard questions.  Then came Paula, she asked me some even harder questions... And they sent me digging in my Bible and my Journals... Next, came Linda, when I stumbled onto her site recently, I read one post, that didn’t mention anything at all about her past, I felt an immediate connection to her.  I told her so in a comment, and she replied to me that she is indeed a divorced-single mom…

One of these ladies pointed out an online support group for people called to “stand” for their marriages throughout trials.  The ministry is called, Rejoice Ministries. My whole body was tingling when I saw their website, and read their mission statement, their testimony, their prayers, and  encouraging words.  They have even set up daily E-mails that I can receive and be encouraged in the calling that I have on my life to stand for my marriage.

Let me say a couple things… I have added a couple links to the sidebar of my blog to this ministry.  I have read very encouraging words on their site.  But, I can’t say I agree with everything they are saying.  I have found that most of the time there is something about every book, teaching, and ministry that may not completely line up with all that I believe.  I have realized that, that is actually a good thing… it's discernment.  We are all just human, trying to make sense of an inhuman God… Sometimes we just don’t understand things.  Sometimes we are blinded.  Sometimes we are confused.  But, always we must be discerning, and never take everything any human says as all truth… only God’s Word can be that to us. 

So, what do I not agree with?  I don’t agree that this stand applies to every person in every relationship.  I believe that there are times when people are released of their marriage commitments.  And there are times when God is asking more of us in a commitment. 

When God’s Word speaks of remarriage & divorce, it is an inconsistent, gray area.  It leaves many confused.  It leaves many going to the side of caution.  This is my opinion, based on my experience, and based on my peace… God is gray in this area for a reason.  He calls us to do different things at different times with different circumstances.  I’ve walked this road called “divorce” for over three years now… before that I walked it with my sister… much is learned when you walk the road.  I’ve learned that many times I must trust my peace over a situation.  And even though I can't make sense of it... The peace is what I must rely on.

I have hesitated to address this topic.  It is controversial.  I am not asking for controversy.  In fact I hate controversy.  Maybe I am asking for it in this post, but I still have to address it.

I struggled when I first realized what God was asking of me, with feeling like if this is what I was being asked to do in my marriage, then this is what everyone else must be supposed to do too.  Interesting how we are like that… many times when we become convicted that we need to do something, someway, we decide that anyone who is not doing things like we are must be wrong.  When we are really the ones who are wrong, acting judgmentally, and ignorant.

I’ve learned that I was wrong in my thoughts.  I’ve learned that many times we walk a road for awhile and then God takes us down a turn that we don’t understand, or He releases us of a burden that we felt was ours to carry forever… or He brings a surprise into our lives that we could never have asked for or imagined in our wildest imagination…  Because His ways and thoughts are not ours, and are so far above us. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

So, that’s a long explanation of that… All to say, I have a new term to use for what I feel God is asking me to continue to do, today, for my dead, stomped on, stinking, ugly, disgusting, mess of a marriage.  The term is “standing”.  God is asking me to continue to stand for what was lost.  It makes no sense.  It has no logic.  I don’t get it.  I want to stop standing for it.  But, He shows me that I am not to do that.

So, as my new found friend, Paula and I are writing to each other about our dead marriages, she asks me some questions that bring up lots of memories that make me really think.  They make me think about the promises that God has given me about my life, my marriage, and my family.  They make me remember.  They take me back into my journals… they make me search things out… they make me realize that nothing has changed since those promises were given to me.  Nothing but me.

Nothing has changed with HSSH.  Okay, maybe it has.  It’s gotten worse.

I realize that I have been trying to pretend that I never heard these things, and they weren't really from God.  I have been trying to pretend that I had moved past all this “nonsense” of standing.  And that somehow I had changed into a “normal” person, who doesn’t think such crazy, impossible things.

There is a battle in my mind… part of me wants to just be that “normal” person, who was married, is divorced, is a single parent, and is past all that… and part of me still wants to believe that God can still do what He told me wanted to do with this catastrophe…

Tomorrow I will tell you the things that I found when I went back into my journals... 

Pam

Originally posted on the Blog “You're Gonna Miss This, On January 6, 2009.