Seriously.

Christmas is a few days past… our lives have been running at a break-neck speed since, oh, sometime mid-November… I’ve been walking around, pretending to be a somewhat normal person… it’s been kinda nice.

Yesterday morning in church, I found myself full of emotion.  A mountain of feelings began to overflow, and could no longer be contained.

What is this?  I thought I was doing okay?

But.  I’m not.  Nothing about my life is normal.  Nothing about my circumstances are normal. Worry and Fear are trying to have their way with me.

I should be used to that by now though.  So what is my problem?  My problem is that I just can’t find it in myself to accept the way things are.  To be okay with them. 

Blah…

I don’t feel like this is coming out like it was running through my mind… maybe I should back up.

We really, really, really had a nice Christmas.  We did. It was peaceful.  Joyful.  A blessing.  I berate myself, because I know how much worse things could be and how blessed we truly are!

Except for that one-little-constant black cloud. 

You’ve probably been wondering how/if HSSH handled Christmas. 

Yeah. That.

Christmas morning.  He called.  When he knew we were in church.

I let the kids hear the message.  No one called him back.  Zach, in fact, was the only one that voiced any opinion.  He said, “I am not here, if you all call him back.”

No one else said a word.

I was torn.  What do I do?  Do I encourage them more to call him?

I wondered if Leah had heard the message, I didn’t think she was in the room when it played.  So by evening, I brought it up to her.  I asked if she had heard the message, and she said she had.  I asked her if she wanted to call him.  She quietly said, “no.”

The next day, day after Christmas, they get a card in the mail from him.  It has some money and a note… I feel like it is almost worse than being ignored completely.  A real slap in the face.

Again, I suggest that calling him to say thank you would probably be appropriate… again, no one says a word.  Again, I mention it to Leah on her own, she says, “not right now.”

I can’t come up with a way to explain to my 4 & 5 year old, who cannot read and don’t know the value of a $20 bill, that this is their gift from their dad… so I say nothing to them.

Time passes… and it is making me more and more upset… more angry… more frustrated… I think, I am more upset by this than they are… I believe that I am worrying about the long term ramifications of his choices…

I can’t fix this.  I can’t stop this.  I can’t change this.  All I can do is continue, as I have for over three years now, to cry out to the only One who can… and sometimes He seems incredibly silent.

*****************************************************

So, this morning I sit in church… and the pastor reads in Job and then in Proverbs…  In Job (38-41) where God answers Job’s question of “why”, putting Job in perspective (words I need to read daily)… and Job replies, finally in 42…

1 Then Job replied to the LORD :

2 "I know that you can do all things;
       no plan of yours can be thwarted.

3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
       Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
       things too wonderful for me to know.

4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.'

5 My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

6 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes."

…and my own thoughts go to places of repentance… repentance for the doubts, the fears, the anger, the frustration… everything that overwhelms me… over and over and over again.

And I face the place that my biggest problems lies.  Really.  My biggest problem is that I have to do what God is asking me to do.  I have to believe what He is asking me to believe.  And it makes no sense.  It is not reasonable.  Rational. Or comprehendible. 

If I didn’t care about HSSH, if I didn’t feel.  If I didn’t want things to be different than they are.  If I didn’t believe God could change things.  If I didn’t want God to change things.  If I didn’t love…

If I didn’t love.

How?  How can you love someone who treats us this way?  How?

I don’t know.

It’s not a human love.

It’s God’s love.

This must be a glimmer of the way that He loves us.  Has to be.

So… this must also be a glimmer of how He is hurt by us…  Has to be.

I confess, I don’t much like it… It leaves me vulnerable in a way I don’t like… sometimes I just want to walk away and pretend like I didn’t hear HIM say what I know He’s said…

But, He never walks away from us… in the midst of the hardship, I am still glad to be learning.  I am so Glad that He is God, and He loves like this, all the time… Like the pastor said yesterday, God will always find something about us to love, no matter what we have done… I have that same feeling about HSSH… how can that not be of God?

*************************************************

Leah and I were watching Prince Caspian the other day.  The scene was where the 4 children, and others walk, into the shrine where the stone table is, Aslan has not been seen for 100’s of years… they light the fire that goes all around the room and they see Aslan’s engraved picture on the wall… Looking at Aslan’s face, Lucy says, “He must know what he’s doing.”  They all look at each other, and Aslan, and Peter says, “I think it’s up to us now.”

I sat there thinking… that is what I feel… So often I begin to think that it is up to me to figure this out… I thought HE knew what HE was doing… I feel like they must have felt.  Like He must have forgotten us…

Leah turned and said to me… “that is just like we are as we wait for Jesus to return.  People think, ‘He’s not coming back’”

I told her she was right, I also told her that that is how we can be in our lives, when we think God has given us a promise here on earth, and so much time goes by…and God is no where to be seen… it must be up to us now…

She smiled.  She understood how I was feeling about HSSH, she feels the same way.

**************************************************

I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t tell you that I doubted my own words after that… I hoped I wasn’t giving her false hope… someone told me today, God’s reputation is His problem, not ours… I sure hope I never falsely represent Him… I also don’t want to miss a chance to believe for a miracle… with my kids.

I’ve already had one of my boys say that they are frustrated with God over this… it is so hard to wait, it is so hard to see them doubt…it is so hard to know the right thing to do.  What to say.  Too often I just say nothing.

James resists my authority… pushing to be grown up… I feel out of control there…

I dread, dread taking Kiahna back to preschool and dealing with her issues… she does so well at home, I just want to hide away with her and pretend she is okay… please?

I am going to wait until morning to hit publish on this… and if I feel peace about it I’ll post it… it may not make sense to anyone, I am not sure it even makes sense to me… but you’ll pray for your mixed up friend and her six kids anyway, won’t you? 

Maybe I’ll wake up and this will all go away… one can dream.

Pam

Originally Published at, You're Gonna Miss This, December 29, 2009

Keeping it real…

It is challenging sometimes to keep things real... wouldn't' you say?  First of all, we don't really like the reality we are living in.  Second, people can get hurt when we share the reality, as we see it.  And third, sometimes reality scares people away... and then again... sometimes it draws them in.

Does it scare you to bits to know the reality that my family and I have endured?  I was told once by a friend, that I was living out her worst nightmare, and that it made it hard for awhile to talk to me. 

Last week when I was so down... did it discourage you from reading?  Do you think that you dreaded coming and hearing what I had to say, because it was so full of pain?

Pain is part of our lives.  We all experience it.  We all get down.  Discouraged.  Frustrated.  Pretending like we don't is completely unrealistic.

Recently, one of my children had a conversation with a person that could not grasp the magnitude of what our family deals with.  This person told my child that they should be more positive.  More upbeat.  Work harder.  Do more.  My child did not measure up.

My child came home and was devastated.  It all snowballed in their mind.  It all became so much bigger than it was... and all the future problems came crashing down... all the what if's... all the unknowns... all the potential failures... all the inadequacies... all the doubts... all the pain.

You know what?  I listened to this child for 45 minutes... and tried to offer my support... and I had this incredible peace.   I have been in the place my child was so many times... I was just there last week... and I have every confidence that the SAME GOD who lifted this child out of a pit of mire, will lift that child out of a pit of mire... and HE will use this to bring healing and hope back into my child's life... same as HE has done for me... over and over again...

Do I want to become angry at this person for saying what they did?  Yes.  Should I?  Maybe?  Will it help?  No. 

I told my child that this person cannot understand.. this person has never been there. 

I told my child that they CAN understand... because they have been there...

Which is better?

Lord God Almighty... I am reminded today to pray.  To pray for my children to survive this season in our lives.. and for YOU to bring good out of all that has been intended for evil.  I can't do this... but YOU can.  I can't heal their pain.  YOU can.  I can't stop people from saying things that are wrong... but YOU can bring life lessons and help my children realize what NOT to say... YOU can make my children into sensitive, passionate, forgiving, loving, restored, adults... people who are not shallow or unaware... but are aware of life's pain, and YOUR ABILITY TO CARRY US THROUGH THE WORST OF THE WORST...

...and,as hard as it is.... I pray again for the father of these children... I pray blessing... I pray for eyes to be open... for YOUR angels to come and minister to him... in his sleep, in his depression, in every area of his life... bring the promised restoration... I believe YOU for it.

Thank YOU... In JESUS Name... Amen.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 20, 2008

My Comments, On Your Comments…

I am so blessed.  Thank you for your comments today.  Thank you for praying.  Thank you for sharing your stories.  Confirming to me that I am trying to do the right thing here... I have tears... I am so blessed.

Let me tell you the rest of this story now... at least the part I know.

I called a friend.  Ended up talking about HSSH.  Ended up with her telling me I should have called him to tell him about James' broken leg.  I was frustrated.

Called another friend. Told her what the first friend said.  She said she thought I should tell HSSH about the broken leg too.

Really frustrated.  Why am I the one that has to call him!  If he had come to the game, or even called about the game, he would know!!  URG.

Yet, I prayed that IF I was wrong.  I would be convicted. 

I was bothered by it all day. 

I finally called yet another friend.  "Please let me vent to you and tell me what you think of this!"  I told her.

So, I did.

She started laughing.

She had felt when she heard my story about what happened with missing church and the internet sermon, that I really needed to call HSSH.  And James leg came to her mind.

Fine. I will.

I did.

He didn't answer.

He called back later.

He is so low.  So pathetic.  So frustrating.  I told him about the leg.  I asked him about his address, told him that we remembered it was his birthday and would be sending something. 

I went on with my evening.

We went to the football banquet.  Our Varsity Football coach announced to the players after the banquet that he is retiring after 32 years of being our head coach.

James texted HSSH to tell him this.

HSSH called James.  They had a conversation, mainly about the leg.

If I had not called HSSH earlier that day, what would have happened?  How angry would he have been?

I feel like there is a reason this all happened as it did. 

Reasons I may never understand.

I prompted the kids to make HSSH cards tonight.  Three of them did.  Leah wrote Kiahna's name on hers.  The older two don't act interested. 

I told them if they want they can call him on Friday.  We will see.

I have these thoughts about this.  I hope that my kids are seeing that this respect and honor thing is important.  Important because it gives us peace and it is what God wants. 

I can do this, for the promise God gives to my kids. 

I can't say that I have been perfect, or that I have NEVER said a negative or harmful word against HSSH.  I've said some things that I had to apologize to the kids for saying.  I've also said some things that were truth, and told them that even though I feel this way about this, I am going to do this other thing, because I know it's right. Even though it is hard.

It is my hope that one day, when they are grown. When trials come, they will remember that even when it was hard, or I made mistakes, that I did what I could to make them right and to make the choices that I believed to be what God wanted me to make.  Not perfection.  Not supermom.  Not an unattainable pedestal.  But, reality.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008

Just in case you were wondering…

How am I really doing these days? 

If you are a new reader to my blog, I recommend catching up in the "testimony" posts.

It has been 6 weeks since my ex-husband, HSSH, has called.  It has been Labor Day since he has seen any of the kids.

Quite honestly, life is so much easier when he leaves us alone. 

Does that sound awful? 

This week I ran into a old classmate of ours.  In fact, when I was a junior and HSSH was a senior, he broke up with me.  Dated her.  Took her to the prom.  And then broke up with her and got back with me at the senior prom.  Yes.  I should have let her have him.  ;)

So... running into her wasn't quite like running into an old friend.  We didn't exactly leave HS on speaking terms.  Ya know?

Guess what?  In the past 18 years, since that all happened, we have both grown up.  She's been through a divorce too.  I could tell she genuinely cared, and she really wanted to know what in the world happened to us.

Standing in the candy aisle at Wal-Mart, I gave her the short, skinny version.  And you know what?  She understood.  She totally got the picture of what happened to us.  And she told me that she would pray for us. 

I walked away encouraged, and in awe of God.  To use her to encourage me was amazing. 

Another friend called that same day.  Encouraging me with God's word to stay strong in the promises God has given me. 

I am so blessed.

This week is HSSH's birthday.  I've tried to teach my children the principle of honoring their father.  Even when he doesn't deserve it.

"honor our fathers and mothers,” and the promise is “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…” (see Ephesians 6:2-3)

We've continued to buy him Christmas, birthday, Father's Day gifts, or just make cards.  I've encouraged them to honor him.

It's been so hard.

He totally doesn't deserve it.

It's SO hard.

Sunday morning we went to church.  My stomach was feeling a little queasy.  After we got there, Kiahna had to use the restroom.  I decided to use it too.  I have no idea what came over me, but I felt horrible.  I got all sweaty, clammy, and wondered if I would actually pass out there in church.  I didn't .  I began to feel better, but left right away.

I came home and plugged into an internet sermon.  I laid on the couch, feeling cold, and fell asleep. 

I woke to the speaker talking about fathers...  Here is what he said. 

"The only commandment with a promise is to 'honor our fathers and mothers,' and the promise is 'so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…' (see Ephesians 6:2). Nowhere does it say we should only honor great fathers and mothers or even good ones, but simply the ones we have been given, good or bad. Almost all will be both good and bad, just as some of the greatest heroes in the Bible also made some of the greatest mistakes"  --Rick Joyner

After that I felt perfectly fine.

I truly don't know what to do about HSSH's birthday this time.  I truly don't want to do anything.  I want to ignore him like he's ignoring us.  I don't even know if his phone or address are any good anymore.  I've learned enough to know that I can't make these decisions based on how I feel.  I have to base them on what God is asking of me.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel like He was asking too much of me sometimes.

I'd also be lying to myself if I didn't have my heart right before Him and do His will anyway.

I'm not asking for advice, just telling you where I am... and hoping you'll pray for God to be very clear on this issue this week.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, November 11, 2008

More confessions of a blessed and busy mom…

My sister, Lana, and Ben had their first wedding shower last night! 

Ben giving a very nice thank you speech…

I am so amazed at God.

I am amazed at the miracle and the blessing that Ben is to Lana and her 4 kids.

What Lana and the kids have been through for the past 14 years… and too see them all so happy now.  It does nothing but warm my heart.

I know that I could be jealous and angry about this all.  I could let this time go by and not be a part of it.  Not have the joy of sharing in their happiness.  I am surprised at the state of my own heart and mind.   I am surprised that there isn’t some jealousy or anger there.  I am so overwhelmed that there isn’t.

God is truly who HE says HE is…

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and restore the places long devastated;
       they will renew the ruined cities
       that have been devastated for generations.  --Isaiah 61: 3-4

And I will wait on HIM as HE does HIS work in my life and family.

God you are so Good…

And SO worthy of our PRAISE!!

Pam

This is an excerpt of a post originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 31, 2008

Confessions of a Blessed and Busy Mom

Now, to address those of you who believe that I am “super-mom”.

(Insert hysterical laughter here)

I suppose if you visit me on Tackle it Tuesday, it may seem that I somehow give the delusion of a supermom of sorts… but if I gave you a list of the things that are completely out of control, neglected, and procrastinated upon (see above e-bay procrastination confession)  you would think otherwise!

SERIOUSLY!  One of the things that I used to say after HSSH left was that “super-mom died”. 

I began to see the person that I was, who I called “super-mom” and many of the things and attitudes (mostly the attitudes) of that person NEEDED to die!

Me, being the strong-willed, woman I am, needed to have a hurricane hit my life in order to see this.

Have you heard that song that was just released?  Hurricane by Jimmy Needham.  Part of my doesn’t want to hear that song.  And part of me knows how true it is.  I’ll search for it, and try to get it playing on my player.  (it seems to be down at the moment)

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now

Nope… I’m not super-mom… I used to be… I don’t want to be.  I want to be “fun-mom, in-the-moment-mom, completely-conscious-of-the-speed-of-time-mom, don’t-miss-the-joy-through-the-dirt-mom…  you know what I mean? 

Super-mom wants to rise up and resurrect herself sometimes.  She wants to do it all.  But, her circumstances keep her pretty much where she needs to be.  And you know, maybe that is a better place anyway… obviously, my kids could care-less about how clean thing are… maybe I could try to care-less too.

Except on Tuesday.

Pam

This is an excerpt from a post originally published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 31, 2008

At a Crossroads.

Last week I began writing to you about the Bible Study that I had just started reading.  I tend to get pretty excited about reading something that appears to have been written just for me.  It is the work of the Holy Spirit that blows my mind with His amazing personal commitment to me!

In the past couple of weeks, I have used the term, “crossroads” with some of my friends, as I would tell them about the current daily dealing with HSSH.  I said, “I feel like I am at a cross roads with all of this, but I don’t know what that means”

Then I added, that I knew that God would make very clear to me when He had a different plan for me to believe in than the one He has told me to believe for the past 3 years… even as it grows increasingly more difficult to believe with each circumstance.  I know one thing for sure.  God hasn’t told me to go down a different road.  Yet.  Will He?  I don’t know.

I asked God for an answer to this whole “crossroads” feeling.

He gave me one.

As only He can do!

Day Five, Week One, Set My Heart On Fire by Catherine Martin

At the Crossroads

This is what the Lord says:  Stop at the crossroads and look around.  Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.  Travel it’s path, and you will find rest for your souls.  Jer. 6:16 NLT

…Perhaps you are standing at a crossroads in your life. 

I am NOT making this up!  This is what this said in this book that we decided to do AFTER I made that comment several times!!  Does this excite you like it does me!?!

…maybe things have not turned out the way you thought they would

MAYBE!?!

Maybe you have given up on God. 

Maybe. 

Now is the time for you to say.  Lord, I’m sorry.  Fill me anew with your Holy Spirit and fulfill in me what You have planned. 

…The decisions, resolves, and commitments at the crossroads alter the course of our lives.  We are brought to these choices by the work of the Holy Spirit.  “God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him”  (Phil 2:13)  You can count on God to keep working in you all the days of your life until you are face-to-face with Him.  stepping from time into eternity.

So, what is my choice at this particular crossroad?  I had already made it, before I read this.  Determination to follow the path that God desires for my life.  Believing for Restoration of my family. Whatever that means.  Until God makes it clear.  Believing for miracles in HSSH’s life.  Believing for miracles in my life.  Believing for miracles in our children’s lives.

The Set of the Sail

By: Annie Johnson Flint

I stood on the shore beside the sea;

The wind from the West blew fresh and free,

While past the rocks at the harbor’s mouth

The ships went North, and the ships went South.

And some sailed out on an unknown quest,

And some sailed into the harbor’s rest;

Yet ever the wind blew out from the West.

I said to one who had sailed the sea

That this was a marvel unto me;

For how can the ships go safely forth,

Some to the South and some to the North,

Far out to the sea on the golden quest,

Or in to the harbor’s calm and rest,

And ever the wind blew out of the West.

The sailor smiled as he answered me,

“Go where you will when you’re on the sea,

Though head winds baffle and flaws delay,

You can keep the course by night and day,

Drive with the breeze or against the gale;

It will not matter what winds prevail,

For all depends on the set of the sail.”

Voyager soul on the sea of life,

O’er waves of sorrow and sin and strife,

When fog bewilder and foes betray,

Steer straight on your course from day to day;

Though unseen currents run deep and swift,

Where rocks are hidden and sandbars shift,

All helpless and aimless, you need not drift.

Oh, set your sail to the heavenly gale,

And then, no matter what winds prevail,

No reef shall wreck you, no calm delay,

No mist shall hinder, no storm shall stay;

Though far you wander and long you roam,

Though salt sea-spray and o’er white sea-foam,

No wind can blow but shall speed you home.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 6, 2008