That First Month

I’ve been reading some of my journal entries from the first month after HSSH left.  It’s interesting.  How much faith and hope I had in the midst of the depression and discouragement.

I was raised in Church.  I knew the stories.  I knew the verbiage.  I knew what was right.  I knew what was wrong.  On some level I believed that if you just did all the right things that somehow things in your life would go the way that they were supposed to.

My natural personality is very strong.  I was SUPERMOM.  I was going to save all my children, my marriage, and adopt a house full of kids while using cloth diapers and living in a spotless house… in a single bound.

The problem was that I had made so many huge mistakes.  To compensate I was becoming more legalistic in my beliefs because if we LOOKED like we had it all together then maybe somehow we would.

Of course I couldn’t see what I was doing until the world came crashing in. 

I was blinded to so many things.  I was blinded to my own fears.  Fears that would come out in the early morning hours while I was journaling and praying, and then I would tuck away as I dove into the busy home- school-mom-of-seven life.

I was blinded to what HSSH was doing and feeling.  I knew he was depressed.  But, I trusted him.  I never let myself consciously believe it would ever go to these extremes.  I knew he was shutting down.  I knew he was working so many hours.  I just couldn’t help him.  He wouldn’t let me.  Every effort I made caused him more anger, which now I realized was really guilt.

Now every woman’s worst nightmare was happening to me.  But I was strong.  I could do this too.

After he was gone for 3 weeks I wrote this…

Learning to live all over again.

Learning what it truly means to trust God.

Learning how to take up my cross and follow Him.

Learning that life isn’t fair and doesn't make sense, but God is still carrying me and let’s me cast my burden upon Him.

Learning how much grace “sufficient” grace really is.

Learning that when you trust God you don’t have to come up with the ideas on how He should fix it.

Learning that when things look worse in earthly standards, in the big picture my prayers are actually being heard and the refining fire is doing it’s transforming work.

Learning that God will not allow this fire to destroy me.

Learning to understand how ALIVE the Word of God really is.

Learning that God loves my husband more than I do.

Learning that satan’s attacks know no bounds.

Learning what it means to put on the whole armor of God daily.

Learning that speaking the Word in truth and faith truly does quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.

Learning that a sound mind is a beautiful thing.

Learning that some days I have to learn these things over and over again.

Little did I realize, three weeks into a battle that is coming close to the 3 year mark, how true these statements would all become.  Especially the part about learning them over and over again.

Little did I know how far my own strength would go. Or how hard it would be for me to learn to accept that HIS strength would only be made perfect in my weakness.

My story is one of God’s faithfulness in these days.

Pam

Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This, July 21, 2008