I Just realized God is answering a prayer.

I also just realized that I am not real happy with “how” things are being played out, as God answers the prayer! 

Can I laugh at myself?

Sorta?

For almost the whole time HSSH has been gone, I have been telling him that he needed to be the one that made the effort with the kids.  He needed to be the one that came and was a part of their busy lives, not expecting them to be a part of his “new” life (90 miles away from them)

This morning I realized something.  In the past week, HSSH has suddenly started making more effort than he has made in over 3 years with his kids.

That is an answer to prayer.  That is God.

So, why do I find myself feeling angry and upset by it?

Is it because it doesn’t look quite like I had imagined it would?

Is it because instead of embracing me and saying “you were right about this, Pam”.  He appears to be even angrier at me than ever.  (maybe because he hates that I was right?)

I am not finding the satisfaction in being right about this that I wanted to find.

Instead I am finding the pain of rejection.  Rejection of me.  As he embraces our kids.  I find it hard to handle.

I know it is right that he does this.  I know it is God’s Hand that is allowing this. Help me Jesus to not grow bitter.  Please Help Me Jesus to deal with the jealous feelings I have.

Maybe part of me got real comfortable with the “new normal” we were living.  And change is hard again?  Him living his life and us living ours was so much simpler.  Not that it was right.

The news is that HSSH has told the kids he will be coming to Zach’s game tonight at 5:30.

You know we need your prayers.

God Help Me to Keep Praying Your Will and Not Mine.  Help me to Walk Out Your Will…

I shared something I read yesterday on my blog Standing too.

Thank you.

Pam

More about Standing today…

Today I was putting a book away on the shelf and noticed another book.  I thought, did I ever read that book?  And I opened it to find I had indeed read it and underlined in it… I can’t remember when I read it, I know it was after HSSH left, but it’s been awhile.  I think I will read it again.

The page I opened to said this.  And I will underline what I had underlined in the book…

Oh yeah, the book is called. From Battle Scars to Beauty Marks by Ellie Loraro  “Portrais of Women Who turned Trials into Triumphs” (it says on the cover)

So, anyway, page 58, in the chapter titled “Joan: Waiting on God”

“I heard from God, ‘I am the I AM.  Press on. Press in.’  For the longest time all I kept hearing in my spirit was ‘Press’.  That is not exactly what you want to hear when you say, ‘God speak to me.  I’m tired.  I’m weary in my heart and my bones.’  But, it is what I needed to do, to press, to push, to stand.  In the midst of it, He has met me at every turn, granted strength for the day, and even given me a sense of humor.  And who doesn’t need a good laugh?

When you have put it all on (the armor of God), and you have prayed your heart out, and you have fasted your gut out, there is not a whole lot left to do but stand.  And it is all about timing and seasons.  Through the years and the tears I’ve learned that I’ve just got to stand.  I don’t have to do it well—I learned that too.  I just have to stand.

Now, when you are not pressing, you are standing.  But, I guess they are really intertwined.  Pressing sounds more active, but there are times that the pressing is emotional rather than physical.  I have to keep on keeping on.  It’s a decision; it’s a choice.  It’s okay to fall apart in the midst of it, but then you get back up.  It’s the ‘I fall down, I get up; I fall down, I get up’ approach to life.

I PROMISE I didn’t write that!  Someone else has lived a roller coaster of waiting on God like me.  God You are so Good to show me this!

Pam

In a swirl of emotions

This morning my friend mommaof4wife2r @ A Thorn Among Roses, Twittered about this post...  I needed to hear this song this morning too…

This morning in my journal, I wrote that I hate admitting that I am still in this much pain over my divorce.  I hate admitting that I need more healing.  I hate admitting that this may be just as much about me getting to where God wants me as it is HSSH getting to where God wants him.

I’ve been meeting with a counselor once a week again.  I think in a way that frustrates me.  I want to be healed.  I don’t want to be here anymore.

… and this song just makes me cry… that’s where I am… and I know with all my heart… He is with me…

Pam

Turn it around God…

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

Lord, bring clarity to my mind…

I sit here with the now familiar tingle that I get when I know that I must put words to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths, lies, and experiences that have been going on behind the blog this week…

You may have wondered what was happening for real, if you read my post on Thursday…. or if you read my Twitters, you knew some things were going on and I was dealing with them…

What happened to make me feel shattered again?  What was that letter I twittered about from HSSH?  How did I really feel about James first college visit?  What about the counseling this week? 

I sit here on Sunday morning in awe that so much went on this week.  That my emotions were all over the place.  That God brought me so much healing.  And that the pain of watching someone fall so far still goes on…

Rewinding back to the beginning of the week…Easter Sunday, HSSH called our house and left a message while we were in church.  There was not a doubt, and know one had to be told, that he had called at a time when he knew that no one would be home.  We go to the same church, with the same hours, that we went to all the years he lived with us as our husband and father… no one said anything about calling him back, and we moved on…

On Tuesday, James called his dad to invite him to a track meet.  Because James knows that if the sporting event is close to his dad’s house, at a certain school, his dad will come.  James told me after the call was made that he had made it. 

He also told me that HSSH had written a letter to his 6 kids.

I try really hard not to say anything that is bad mouthing or that I wouldn’t want HSSH to read if he ever found my blog, or read it one day… I don’t think that there would be any argument in his mind (today there would be, but not if he ever reads this with a healed mind) that HSSH is still falling, falling, falling… and with that the things that He does that are painful to watch, and effect us, just keep coming.

The letter came on Wednesday.  I opened it.  Planning to take it with me to counseling the next day, and ask for advice on how to handle it.  The letter was no surprise to me.  I had heard him say everything that the letter said before.  But, this time I am supposed to let my kids read it? 

See, when someone is falling they will find anyone to blame for the direction they are going, as long as it is not themselves.  And if it has to become a situation that the blame falls on innocent children… then that falling person ignorantly, blindly, desperately lets that happen.

So, I have this letter.  I am appalled.  I am stressing.  I am questioning.  I am screaming… remember the "shattered" post.  That is then.

James, on the other hand, is not home. School to track meet.  James starts texting me from the track meet.  Telling me about his time in the 110 hurdles, where he cut a whole second from his time, and only  missed 1st place by .2 seconds (don’t miss that decimal point!)

My inquiring mind of course wanted to know if his dad showed up.  He had. 

I told James I was glad for him that his dad came.  I also told James that the letter that his dad had told him about had come in the mail.

James said, “do me a favor and throw it away”

What?

My first reaction was, NO WAY!  You are not going to be ignorant of this man’s doings if you are going to invite him to be a part of your life! 

My second reaction was relief.  Well, if James wants it thrown away then I guess I won’t have to show it to the rest of the kids will I?

Suddenly, I could see it.  The hand of God.  The reality that even when I didn’t feel Him.  When I was kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum very parallel in thought if not in action to my daughters the week before, God DID have things under control.  He knew how He would protect my kids.

By the time James got home I was completely in agreement with the “throw it away” plan.  But, I knew that if it happened, James had to be the one to do it, and not me.  I told him so, and he walked to the trash can and threw it in.

Again, my 17 year old is showing more maturity than his 38 year old father. 

Peace.

Another storm calmed.

The next day when I went to counseling, she was in full agreement with how things had been handled with the letter. 

James had even told me that HSSH had said he was “feeling dumb” about the letter since James called him before James even read it…

YA THINK!!

Grrrrrrr

In watching the video study of Esther, Thursday morning, I felt God’s voice speaking to me once again.  This was session six.  Beth was calling the events that were happening in the sixth chapter of Esther a “reversal of destiny”.

“A reversal of destiny:  However it appears the events are going.  God picks it up turns it around, and you have to say ‘That has to be God’”

Where I see us with this whole journey is at a place like that.  Somehow God is going to have to create some event in HSSH’s life that is going to literally pick him up, turn him around 180 degrees and set him on a different course.  I confess, I don’t see it happening any other way.  I also confess, I doubt it ever happening.  I guess that is why Beth says “you will have to say ‘That has to be God.’”

Yesterday, I received in the mail another blow.  This time from the prosecuting attorney’s office.  A year of unemployment for HSSH is up, and it seems until he finds employment we won’t be getting any child support.

That is really hard to stomach. 

There is so much room for bitterness and anger with just this topic alone.

God has been so good to provide for us in all ways.  The church HE has us in sees us, and they give to us more than we could ever deserve.  God knows.  God provides.  God will not leave us.

While the temptation to verbally drive HSSH into the ground for the past weeks’ events is huge… please don’t go there.  It helps no one.  Especially not us.

I confess that I don’t understand the why’s of all of this.  But, I do feel God’s presence and know that in Him, all things will work together for good.  Even when we can’t see.  I know, because going on 4 years now, He has never once let me down.

MckMama wrote a post yesterday called Transparency.  I can relate so well to her words, regardless of our very differing circumstances.  Hoping that you can relate to my words regardless of our different paths.

“He wants me, and my life, and this blog, to bring Him glory.” –MckMama

I pray that as you read this today, it brings God glory for being the ONE who is ABLE to bring us through hard, long, unfair, unimaginable, circumstances.  That is the purpose. 

GLORY TO GOD!!

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

Who Me? “Shattered”?

A couple of days ago I read a post by a fellow divorced-single mom-walking with God through the pain, Linda…

“Mostly, it feels pretty whole. But, there are days and moments when it feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces. I trust that God knows where each of the fragments belong, and that His hands won't get all tied up in super glue. I wonder, if He, too, puts the big pieces together first, and then comes back for the detail work.”

I was moved to tears by her words, because I get it.  I feel that way sometimes too.  In fact I was feeling that way then.

Not only that, I also feel like I am this stubborn, rebellious, angry, impatient child… and as He puts the fragmented pieces of my life back together, sometimes I just look at Him with frustration, grab all my pieces in haste, look at Him with this nasty expression… you know the one…

And I want to scream!!!!!  YOU ARE TOO SLOW!!!  I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!  THAT HURTS, DO YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!  I DON’T LIKE THIS!!!  IT’S TAKING TOO LONG!!!  AHHHHHH!!!!!  I want to kick. Scream. Hit. Make it all about me.

Maybe that is why I have the children I do.

I have so much to learn.

So as He holds on to me, while I kick, scream, flail, and would fall out of the grocery cart if not for His hands gently holding on to me.  All the while thinking that what I am so upset about is so huge, He sees the bigger picture.  He had control all the time.  All I could see is that I wanted to be out of the grocery cart, or maybe that was Kiahna at Wal-Mart last week, I am so confused now.

“ for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.”

--Psalm 103:14

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

How are you doing?

At the end of last week, a long time friend responded to an e-mail I had sent about the kids asking how I am doing…

You would not believe my response…

How am I doing?

I have no idea how I am doing.

How AM I doing?

God?  How am I doing?

I am humbled and horrified at the answer that has come from asking that question.  I am horrified because I can tend to believe that I have things all under control, I am humbled because I don’t.

I’d been feeling like I was arguing with God over the issue of fasting.  I would go to make my coffee in the morning and hear, “you really should be fasting that today”… most of the time I’d ignore it.  Then I would feel guilty about it.

But, I would say to God, if you want me fasting, please show me in a way other than just convicting me when I go for that sweet cup that comforts me so much.  He didn’t.

I found myself dealing with thoughts of failure.  Thoughts of not praying enough.  Not fasting enough.  Never seeing my prayers answered in my lifetime because I couldn’t be enough.

The last phone conversation I had had with HSSH had left me discouraged.  It had been so hard to hear his angry words again.  I read a great book by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs,  I Do Again… I loved the book and found much encouragement… but still heard that voice telling me that our circumstances are so much worse and so much more impossible than theirs were…

But, my life is busy enough that I didn’t even realize most of this until someone asked me this question of how I am doing… and then it took some time.

On Saturday I took a drive into town, alone, no phone, no radio.  Me & God… I asked Him how I was doing and I felt like the answer was “You aren’t resting… What I have promised in HSSH will be done.  You are to rest”.

Oh yeah, I thought… but maybe that is just me thinking that and not really God… God will you show me if this is You?

I mentioned to a couple people over the weekend that I wished that if God was really going to restore HSSH that HE would just do it and let me alone about it all for now.

My head is thick.

Beth Moore… She’s been speaking to me for weeks now in the study of Esther… I couldn’t hear much of what God was trying to say.  I would think, “yeah, I’ve felt that”.  But, didn’t see that I had begun feeling and doing it again.

Monday was the day that God finally opened my eyes…

I had taken Kiahna and Jadon to preschool.  I was behind in my schedule, and didn’t get done at Walmart before I had to go pick them up.  So, I checked out with the things I had, and just told myself that I’d go back after I picked them up. I didn’t have that much more to get, and it would just be fine.

It started out fine.  Then Kiahna threw a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE temper tantrum.  I bucked through it, refusing to let her “win”.  Thinking the whole time that she was not going to control the world like this.  I mean she was acting like a one year old… it was horrific.  People were staring.  Bad.  Her shoes and coat were flying… get the picture?

I held it together until we got in the van and started home.  She had finally stopped.  I called my parents to take Kiahna for awhile so I could get a break (read: before I did something I’d regret forever) (thank GOD I hadn’t already)

I called our counseling office for an appointment. 

We got into counseling that afternoon.  Kiahna & I both went.  It ended up being a tiny bit of time praying & talking with Kiahna, & a whole lot of time talking & praying about me.

This is when my eyes opened up again to the control I had tried to take over the circumstances I am living in. This is when I realized I was so frustrated with God’s slowness.  I was spinning all these plates, not knowing how to make it stop…

Beth put in this way… and I had heard it on Thursday, but didn’t hear it til Monday…

“The stronger I feel about something the more I want to see it happen.  And when I don’t see God moving, I want to step in and volunteer to help” 

Maybe it was this one too…

"We lose our strength when we wait on the event, on the person, on the thing.  But, if you’re waiting on the Lord you’ll renew your strength. If all we are doing is waiting on the thing were depleted day after day.”  --Beth Moore, Esther, Video 5

Humbled to know that I had lost all focus… was trying to DO enough myself to somehow produce a miracle in HSSH’s life… I was being told NOT BY GOD to fast more, pray more, be more… because I wouldn’t get a miracle until I did…

How sweet freedom tastes again… How sweet my coffee tastes again… knowing I am to rest.  God is doing a good work.  I am to wait for it…

Interesting that the continuing topic in the Esther study is… “It’s though being a woman who can balance patience with passion”

Pam

Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This,  April 9, 2009