19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam

Somehow…

Somehow life has become “normal” again.

Somehow I am raising 6 children on my own.

Somehow the sun is coming up each day and still reminds me of the promise of restoration God has given me.

Somehow I am taking pictures and people like them and want me to take them of them,and get this... I am getting paid to do something I love!

Somehow our needs are continuing to be provided for in every way possible and then some.

Somehow.

How?

This incredibly mind blowing God I serve.

He is how.

No other way.

None.

Zero.

Any questions?

Pam

Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Oldies but Goodies: Turn it Around God

 Tim @ Fort Thompson is hosting yet another great, and super easy blog carnival!  I am joining him this week by reposting this post from last April…

I have to add a small update though… James continues to be the one making the efforts with his dad, HSSH.  But, HSSH is making a small effort to come to James football games this year.  He’s been to 1/2. 

And me… my heart continues to break for HSSH… and see how God keeps bringing up Psalms 37 like I said yesterday?  Sunday in church we sang a hymn.  I could not sing a word of it… the tears were too heavy on my heart…

“I have a Savior, He’s pleading in glory,

A dear loving Savior, tho’ earth-friends be few;

And now He is watching in tenderness  o’er me,

And oh, that my Savior were your Savior too.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

I am praying for you.”

Now the old post…

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

Catchup

It’s Labor Day.

My 4 oldest are all off somewhere.

My 2 youngest are arguing over new toys.

I’ve spent the better of the weekend playing with pictures.

My house is showing the results of that.

It’s time for an update here though.

Time for some words rather than all pictures.

But, there will be pictures. For sure.

I think when I last left you with some personal thoughts about myself, I was talking about beef stew… there is more to that you know…

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of hearing one of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore, live, via simulcast.  Beth feels like a close friend to me, if you’ve walked this road long with me, you know that already. 

God has used Beth’s words to walk me through some tough (understatement of the century) days, and to say some hard stuff.  He’s also used them to encourage me & enlighten me.  Bring freedom to my soul. To speak His truth until I began to believe Him down to the marrow of my bones.

This time was not different.

The worship brought tears to my eyes, until I couldn’t contain them … so much thankfulness in my heart.  Thankfulness that God has brought me through living hell & that I have joy in my life again.

How do I put words to what my heart feels?  I can’t.  I really can’t.  He really is good.  All the time.  He really can work miracles in our hearts if we will let Him.  Even when the circumstances are unchanged. 

I think that’s the thing that gets me the most.  I didn’t believe that I could feel peace.  Could live life.  Could get on with things.  Not without changed circumstances.  I really didn’t believe it was possible.

Beth spoke on Psalms 37.  A chapter that God has brought me to over and over again in the past.  One reason that I have went to that chapter is that it talks about the evil around us and how much it seems that people get away with.  How unfair things feel.  How often doing the right things doesn’t seem to matter.  Admit it.  On earth it doesn’t feel like it matters sometimes.  And I long to understand that.  And to have peace with that.  And to still believe God despite that…

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong”

Psalms 37:1

Beth focused on the forth verse of this chapter for the bulk of the day.  The verse says…

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalms 37:4

What are the desires of our hearts?  One quote from Beth that was huge & takes some meditating on…

“Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desires”  --Beth Moore

What do you read there?  That’s deep.  You may have to write it down and pray about it like I am.

I want my heart’s desires to match up with God’s.  I have to go back over and over again and wonder if my heart’s desire to see a restored marriage is me or God.  I want to believe it’s God.  I do.  Could it become me?  Could it become my desire to not be wrong.  My pride.  My desire for a perfect, happy ending?  My desire for a storybook life?  Yes.  All too easily.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to speak to me on this issue.  Because I, in my flesh, in my contentment with my new normal, could easily say, “forget it”.  In fact I am quite happy with the way things are.  Putting a man like HSSH back in my life anytime soon would just mess with me all over again.  And even though I am so amazed by how God gets us through trials like this… I would NEVER willingly jump back into trial & tribulation & stress & yougetthepoint again.

So, I am listening to Beth… she is in the audience speaking to the ladies there.  She is asking them to tell her what they took away from the message on Friday evening.  One lady says to Beth, I have been praying for something for 15 years and your message last night just encouraged me so much to not give up.

Beth replies to her that she shouldn’t give up on that thing until “God releases her”.

My heart hears… “you have not been released, you can’t give up.”  I know what He’s talking about.

Later on, Beth is talking about three things that rob our joy…

Her quote was…

“What’s taking a bite out of my personal delight?  Because delight is our right.”

Beth used the acronym “JAW” to help us remember what is “biting” away at our delight.  JAW stands for Jealousy, Anger, & Worry.

Uh-huh…

So she is talking about jealousy, and asking what we are jealous about.  I am sitting there thinking about that.  Of course there is an argument in my mind.  Am I really jealous about that?  No, I don’t think I am.  Maybe.  Maybe that?

Beth suddenly says…

“We may say ‘they have my husband’ I promise you God’s gonna deal with that”

O. My. Word. How does God do that?  How does He do that?  HOW DOES HE DO THAT??  He is amazing!  Amazing I say. 

All that being said to say.  I am living in the most peaceful place I have been in in years.  I am loving it.  I am amazed by it.  I am still believing & praying for a miracle in my dead marriage.  But, it isn’t holding me captive.

God is Good.

Pam

Originally published @ You're Gonna Miss This

God & Beef Stew

Things have been going well.  Very well.  I am feeling blessed.  It is good.  But, I’ve found myself afraid to say much.  You know?  As soon as you say something then something happens and ruins it all… so I’ve been kinda sitting back holding my breath… wondering. waiting.

Last week I had a wonderful time with a friend & counselor.  We talked, had coffee, cried, prayed… processed… & mostly my heart just felt like it wanted to burst with the love I have for my God & my Jesus & the Holy Spirit… because He is more than I ever dreamed He would be.

I never believed that I could feel joy again, let alone joy like I have never felt before.  Not unless everything I was praying for happened.  Then I’d feel joy.

Many times I have heard that God wanted me to feel joy now.  Before my prayers were answered.  I didn’t see how.  I couldn’t wrap my small brain around it all.  Many times people have prayed.  God heard.

Last week it really hit me.  Many ways really.  After the meeting with my friend, there was an opportunity to make some food (again) for the football team.

This time it is for a smaller group, 25-30 players as they watch game tape.  It doesn’t have to be much, they say.  I decided that I wanted to make beef stew.

CRAZY!

I thought, “NO! That is too hard.  That will overwhelm you.  You can’t do that.  You don’t have to do that.  No one is asking you to do that.  Don’t do that.”

But, what I realized is that I wanted to do it.  I realized that it feels SO good to actually be able to do something that I am finding pure joy in making beef stew for 25-30 football players!

CRAZY!

Live out 4 or more years in paralyzing fear, anger, worry,frustration, and pain… finally feel joy again… without your prayers being answered… then you will understand.  Or at least try to understand.  I don't think it’s understandable by our brains.

I don’t understand.

I’ve decided to run with it.  I am making beef stew today.  Lots of beef stew.  And these boys have no idea how much my heart is rejoicing that I am able to make it.  No idea… I have tears in my eyes right now because I am able to make beef stew!! 

God, You make me laugh!

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This

“A Song In Your Thought Closet”

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written out my thoughts concerning, him.  So, it’s been awhile since anything posted on my blog Standing.  I post often on my family blog You're Gonna Miss This.  And then I take the posts I write about divorce & waiting on God & repost them on Standing.

This morning as I was working on Day 3 of the last week in the Bible Study I’ve been doing this summer, I felt I needed to share some of it with you here, and how it hit me.  I am doing the Workbook for,  Me, Myself, & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  It’s been very good! 

This morning she took us to the story of Deborah in Judges 4.  The Prophet Deborah led Israel when they were enslaved by a ruthless Canaanite king named Jabin.  The Israelite army, led by Barak, had no weapons to use to fight their captors.  They had been enslaved for 20 years!

“Facing a daunting task—particularly one that involves risk, sacrifice, and pain—can make the best of us want to wave a white flag.  Maybe Barak thought his militia would be defeated and humiliated for yet another generation.  That would be a pretty good reason for him to quit even before he began.  We’ve all faced enemies and battles that reveal our frailty and make us feel feeble, overwhelmed, and ready to turn tail.”

“Describe such a “battle” or experience in your life that made or makes you want to give up.”

It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out where my thoughts went this morning.  The place they go quite often as I consider giving up on the fight for restoration of a dead marriage that began over 18 years ago, intensified into a virtual war zone almost 4 years ago & and appears by all human perspectives to be the most hopeless thing ever… and I should probably be moving on & God probably meant just the restoration of MY life & MY children’s lives… not of HSSH…

“…sometimes you feel like you’re fighting the same old battles all the time.  Just when you get a victory, the battle rages again!”

“Sometimes you feel like just throwing in the towel.  Is it really such a big deal?”

“Think about and answer the following questions:”

“What would the world be lacking if I quit?”

“What would I show my family by giving up?”

“What am I settling for if I choose to give in when it gets tough?”

“Of all the songs the sons of Korah sang, few are more precious to me than Psalm 84… Rephrase the verses of the Psalm into lyrics you can sing to your soul”

Psalm 84

For the director of music. According to gittith. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
       O LORD Almighty!

² My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God.

³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
       and the swallow a nest for herself,
       where she may have her young—
       a place near your altar,
       O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
       they are ever praising you.
       Selah

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
       they make it a place of springs;
       the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength,
       till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
       listen to me, O God of Jacob.
       Selah

⁹ Look upon our shield,  O God;
       look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
       than a thousand elsewhere;
       I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
       than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

There is much to be said about how I answered those questions & what I felt in my heart as I answered them is about the only confirmation that I have that I am still on the right track.  Peace that passes all understanding is so hard to put into words.  But, when i tell God that I don’t want to stop believing what He told me He wants to do in my stinking dead marriage, & I feel this peace that makes my heart feel like it wants to soar to the Heavens… How can I not believe?

I confess I spend more time doubting, trying to make sense of the natural & being frustrated with the whole thing than I do believing for it.  Most of the time I find it is just easier not to think about it or talk about it.

But, don’t think for a moment that I am not still holding on to this hope.  Or that God, in His Amazing Ways, isn’t still encouraging me to do so.  Even as I ask Him if there is not another way?  He doesn’t open any new doors.  He gives me perfect peace that this is the way.

As much as I’d like to argue with that… how can I?

Pam