“A Song In Your Thought Closet”

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written out my thoughts concerning, him.  So, it’s been awhile since anything posted on my blog Standing.  I post often on my family blog You're Gonna Miss This.  And then I take the posts I write about divorce & waiting on God & repost them on Standing.

This morning as I was working on Day 3 of the last week in the Bible Study I’ve been doing this summer, I felt I needed to share some of it with you here, and how it hit me.  I am doing the Workbook for,  Me, Myself, & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  It’s been very good! 

This morning she took us to the story of Deborah in Judges 4.  The Prophet Deborah led Israel when they were enslaved by a ruthless Canaanite king named Jabin.  The Israelite army, led by Barak, had no weapons to use to fight their captors.  They had been enslaved for 20 years!

“Facing a daunting task—particularly one that involves risk, sacrifice, and pain—can make the best of us want to wave a white flag.  Maybe Barak thought his militia would be defeated and humiliated for yet another generation.  That would be a pretty good reason for him to quit even before he began.  We’ve all faced enemies and battles that reveal our frailty and make us feel feeble, overwhelmed, and ready to turn tail.”

“Describe such a “battle” or experience in your life that made or makes you want to give up.”

It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out where my thoughts went this morning.  The place they go quite often as I consider giving up on the fight for restoration of a dead marriage that began over 18 years ago, intensified into a virtual war zone almost 4 years ago & and appears by all human perspectives to be the most hopeless thing ever… and I should probably be moving on & God probably meant just the restoration of MY life & MY children’s lives… not of HSSH…

“…sometimes you feel like you’re fighting the same old battles all the time.  Just when you get a victory, the battle rages again!”

“Sometimes you feel like just throwing in the towel.  Is it really such a big deal?”

“Think about and answer the following questions:”

“What would the world be lacking if I quit?”

“What would I show my family by giving up?”

“What am I settling for if I choose to give in when it gets tough?”

“Of all the songs the sons of Korah sang, few are more precious to me than Psalm 84… Rephrase the verses of the Psalm into lyrics you can sing to your soul”

Psalm 84

For the director of music. According to gittith. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
       O LORD Almighty!

² My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God.

³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
       and the swallow a nest for herself,
       where she may have her young—
       a place near your altar,
       O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
       they are ever praising you.
       Selah

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
       they make it a place of springs;
       the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength,
       till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
       listen to me, O God of Jacob.
       Selah

⁹ Look upon our shield,  O God;
       look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
       than a thousand elsewhere;
       I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
       than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

There is much to be said about how I answered those questions & what I felt in my heart as I answered them is about the only confirmation that I have that I am still on the right track.  Peace that passes all understanding is so hard to put into words.  But, when i tell God that I don’t want to stop believing what He told me He wants to do in my stinking dead marriage, & I feel this peace that makes my heart feel like it wants to soar to the Heavens… How can I not believe?

I confess I spend more time doubting, trying to make sense of the natural & being frustrated with the whole thing than I do believing for it.  Most of the time I find it is just easier not to think about it or talk about it.

But, don’t think for a moment that I am not still holding on to this hope.  Or that God, in His Amazing Ways, isn’t still encouraging me to do so.  Even as I ask Him if there is not another way?  He doesn’t open any new doors.  He gives me perfect peace that this is the way.

As much as I’d like to argue with that… how can I?

Pam