It doesn’t matter.

That’s my new theme.  It doesn’t matter.  It would take about 10,000 words, and you would all fall asleep reading about how I came to that theme in the past week.  I’ll try to condense it into 1000 words or less.  Or at the very least 3 or 4 blog posts… sheesh… Sometimes I just want to be funny.  You know, write about funny things like the dead animal carcass’s that the dog keeps dragging up to our house… oh?  That isn’t funny… I wish I could just sit and write a post and make it funny.  Too much seriousness over here sometimes, I am ready for a change.  I need a change.  So, here is hoping I can share some of the stuff I’ve been learning and experiencing for God… You won’t fall asleep or exit my page before I’m done, and maybe in the next few days I can move on to other topics… at least for awhile.  I know I am ready.

Last week in my very first Vlogemotion, and when I wrote about swirling & whirling emotions, you could see very plainly that I was at such a loss.  It has felt like my destiny was to deal with all these emotions every time my ex-husband came around.  That somehow I was stuck. 

Honestly, I didn’t see how even God could get me out of the state of mind I found myself in.

I sat in a counseling session on Thursday saying, no I don’t want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to surrender it.  BUT, I don’t see how anything is going to change.

As we sat quietly waiting on the Lord to answer my heart’s cry, I felt Him saying, “You don’t have to understand it Pam, Just let Me do it.”

One of my biggest struggles is my desire to understand and be able to wrap my tiny little human brain around a All Powerful Untamable God.  Sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. But, it’s real.

So, I’ve been learning about just letting God heal without me understanding the “how” or “why” of it.

How?  He’s God.  He Can.  He Will.  If we will let Him.  Oh.

Why?  He is God.  He loves me.  No reason.  He just does.  Cause He’s God. 

It doesn’t matter.  It just is.

Oh.

I could write a whole post on a couple of other issues He has been speaking to me about.  Maybe I will.  What He has been teaching me on sacrifice & Laying things down,  What He has been speaking to me about thinking I could “fix” or “save” or “change” someone.   Huge things.

Uhg.

I get so frustrated with myself.  That same old thing of wanting to understand, also manifests itself in a pride that says, “I want to learn it once and get it and not keep making the same mistakes over and over again”.  Ugly thing that pride.

I find it all over the place these days.  Places I never wanted to find it. Places I didn’t think it could encounter.  Another of the places I found pride this week is in this whole promise of restoration I have been talking about since HSSH left.  I found that as I wait, I get more and more nervous that maybe I have been wrong.  Maybe I told the whole world I believe God is going to do this, and maybe He never will!  And I find pride… because in those thoughts I find myself trying to justify HSSH’s actions, and growing increasingly frustrated with his actions, because they don’t match what I believe God wants to do, and if he doesn’t do what God wants him to do then I look like a foolish idiot who is wasting her life believing something that is never going to happen.

So it’s about me again.  PRIDE.  UGLY.  Blah!!

God, I believe You said this.  But, It is not up to me to make it happen.  I don’t even understand what You mean when You say that You want to bring restoration.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I’ have created a picture in my head of what I believe it needs to look like, and as time passes and it doesn’t play out I get pretty freaked out!  I fear.  I get angry.  I try to figure out ways to make You do things the way I want them to be.

And then I find myself in a tizzy of pain, emotions, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, life sapping issues… and I don’t want to be there either. 

Show me How to walk this out YOUR way. How to surrender to YOUR plans.  How to speak boldly the truth and then let YOU do what YOU want to do YOUR way, rather than me try to make YOU into something my human brain can comprehend.

Forgive me, Father.  Thank You for being YOU.  For continuing to teach YOUR children, over and over again.  And for not giving up on me.

*******

I’ve been working through all these things with God.  Yesterday morning I got a call from HSSH.  I saw I had missed a call from him and my heart rate immediately doubled.  I cried out to God (and my friend Judy) that this is what I want to stop!  Why can’t I see his name on my phone without my heart jumping into this mode?

I was so frustrated with that.

I ended up calling him back a little later, when my heart had slowed down.  The conversation was okay, I did have to defend myself against something Jadon ha told him last week at the ball diamonds.  That was difficult.

He had asked to do something with Lucas for his birthday.  Lucas had a game, and Zach had a game.  So I offered either another night or he could come to the game & then take them out for ice cream afterwards.

That is what they ended up doing.

All day, and then as I saw them at the games, these little details kept coming up in my mind.  Little things that he had said, or did, or I saw.  I felt like God gave me the words, “It doesn’t matter”. 

I just kept speaking & thinking that as the night went on. It doesn't matter. It’s okay.  It doesn’t matter. This is good for the kids. It doesn't matter.

Truly if I am going to let go of all the emotions and frustrations of this I have to not get myself all wrapped up in the things he is doing that are driving me nuts and I believe are wrong.  I have to let go.  I have to let God deal with Him.  I have to let God do what He wants to do and keep in my mind that it is not ME that is doing this it is GOD.  It is not my idea for restoration it is God’s… He didn’t and won’t ask me to do it for Him…

As I woke up this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks… I have peace.  I really do.  I am not in a swirl of emotions.  I survived seeing him, talking to him, and things not being how I wanted them… and I have peace.

WOW!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Ephesians 3:20

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This.