…and that is a good thing. Right?
Instead I feel pain.
So, those are my choices?
Hurt & Rejection or Anger & Bitterness.
The other night I was reading another portion of the book From Battle Scars to Beauty Marks by Ellie Lofaro…
“At that point, I didn’t hate him anymore. I actually felt nothing for him. I had no feelings whatsoever. I didn’t hate him; I didn’t anything him. That is really the opposite of love, by the way, not having any feelings for anybody. Hatred means you are really tied in with very strong love and disappointment in the person you still have such deep feelings for. But you are so hurt you hate them. I didn’t feel anything.”
Okay, so when you put it that way, I guess it is a good thing that I have these feelings. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to stop caring.
But, I also don’t want to have to fight the mental battle between anger & love each time I am in the presence of someone.
God? Am I destined to live out this waiting time with all these feelings raging through me? Is there no other way?
I had peace the other evening when HSSH showed up (not alone once again) at Zach’s game. I had to fight for it, self talking, the whole time. But, I did have peace. My body did not react with physical anxiety.
The next day though, I was just so sad. Hurt by the betrayal again. Hurt by the smile on his face. Hurt that he appears so happy and well adjusted.
Anyone walking by would have thought nothing negative about him. He’s that smooth.
I, of course, know the truth. I know the unresolved issues he is dealing with . I know the financial issues. The lack of contact he’s had with his children. The job issues. I know that you can’t build healthy relationships with people with all the unresolved things going on in your life. Let alone the fact that you have turned your back on the God you made a covenant to serve!
Can you feel the conflict of emotions I am dealing with?
God, help me. Teach me to give them to You. Help me survive this.
Beth Moore really hit it on the head for me once again this morning too…
It’s Tough Being a Woman who can Balance Passion with Patience…
“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him.” --Isaiah 30:18
Longing & waiting in this verse are the same Hebrew Word. ‘The Lord Waits…blessed are all those who wait’
You don’t wait alone. Longing is part of the waiting. It wouldn’t be a wait without the longing.
I found real freedom in the realization, THE LORD IS WAITING TOO!
When your prayer request waits, He’s waiting too. There is something the wait is for.
It’s tough being a woman—but it is trust that turns it around!
Somehow, God is going to get this whole waiting & trusting bit through my thick skull… and you my beloved readers & friends get to join me in the journey… thanks.
In a couple hours I have another counseling session. Maybe I’ll get a few more of these wild thoughts tamed!
Pam
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2 comments:
Dear Pam,
I found your blog about a week ago. I just want to praise you for your openness and honesty during a very difficult time in your life.
I am currently going through tremendous pain in my marriage. My husband had an affair that lasted 5months until I literally walked in on him and his lover. I had no clue. I thought we had the best marriage ever. I was so wrong. The difference is, my husband still wants to be married to me. We are still together. We have had many painful arguments, one just last night. It's one of those things that you don't count on when you get married. I had an idea of what marriage was supposed to be like, and I thought I was living a dream come true, until I discovered them almost a year ago. Now, obviously, there are trust issues, which I need to give over to God. I have grown much closer to God due to this, and I talk about God more openly in my marriage. (My husband is not a Christian.) So, good has come from this.
I cannot imagine being in your situation. Whenever I start feeling like a victim, I think of how much worse it could be. I am so sorry that your situation is so much worse than mine. I will be praying for you and your children. Keep "standing". You are doing a good job. Remember, it's not by our power, but by His, that we are able to deal with this stuff!
Good luck!
Debbie
Married 16 years, together 21
4 wonderful children together
Dear Pam...
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through a divorce about six years ago. Then I remet a wonderful man that I went to school with and we've been married for almost 2 years. I agree with you to hold on to the hope that your marriage can be rebuilt. It's so hard. SOOOO hard. I used to stand in church during the song time and just cry. My girls would be with me and look at me with such sadness in their eyes because their mommy was hurting. It lessens with time, no matter how God leads you through it.
On a lighter note, I am sooo interested in adoption...biracial or transracial adoption. Very interested in finding out about it and how you handle issues!
Love in Christ!
Beth
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