Face to face with my weakness… again.

,,,self reliance… pride… human strength… the desire to be right… perfectionism… 

My enemies.

I am at my best when I am on my face.

Odd statement?

I am.

It would be nice if I would willingly stay on my face.

Too bad, I have to fall there instead… most of the time.

Last night I got a new book to go with the Bible Study that myself and two friends decided to do together. 

The book is called Set My Heart On Fire by Catherine Martin.  The three of us are joining, Mid-Morning on WBCL, as they do a 5 week study of this book.  The author, Catherine Martin, is joining them every Wednesday morning.  Yesterday was week 2.  We are listening to the shows on the WBCL website, Archives of past shows.  Anyone of you can join in this study.  Very awesome!

The Holy Spirit didn’t waste any time speaking to me about the areas that I have let my flesh take back over in. 

….relying on my own strength....

...Spiritual pride...

...hating admitting I am wrong... ever.... ever...

...the desire for perfection... in myself first off...

I'm not stupid.  I am just forgetful.  Short term memory loss... Right, Dorie?? 

I like to tell God, "okay, thanks for getting me back up again... I'll just take it from here... thanks, though... You're Great...I praise You for getting me up again... see ya..." (next time I fall flat on my face)... tomorrow...

In the second day of the book, Catherine quotes Charles Spurgeon in the devotional, Morning and Evening.

"God will not go forth with that man who marches in his own strength"

By nature I am a strong person.  I am a strong person.  I have always been a strong person.  Just ask my parents.  I don't believe any of their daughters were as "strong-willed" as me.  I've made so many choices that had consequences that were hard,  mostly from being so strong in my own ideas and thoughts.

Cringing as I remember, cringing as I see these traits in my own children...

The down-fall of being a strong person is that it takes strong winds to bring them to places of repentance. 

I'll spare myself (and you) the agony of all the past examples...

This morning I wonder, is the length of this current trial as much about getting me to let God be my strength, as it is anything else?  Most likely.  Do I like that realization?  Not at all.

Bending my strong willed knee at His feet.  Letting this be about HIM and not me.  Letting go of my ideas of how I think things need to look and when.  Being humble.  Being broken.  Being Weak.  Remembering that that is a good thing, in God's economy...

"No one likes to be called weak-- at least not in this 'survival of the fittest' world.  But in God's economy, weakness is a plus, a bonus, and grounds to boast.  In the spiritual realm, you can shout from the mountaintop or from the deepest valley for all to hear, 'I am weak!'"  --Catherine Martin

I find that very true (and she said, "no one likes it" so I am guessing you join me in that thought?)  It's still very hard.  It probably always will be.  Or maybe I'll finally get tired of falling on my face, and kneel willingly more often?  It won't be my strength that lets that happen though...

...strange concept...

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, October 2, 2008

One Day

“One Day… you will know the truth and it will make you free.

One Day… I know you’ll surrender and let love in.

Oh, I believe in One Day.”  --Ayiesha Woods

I made this song the first song to come on when you open my blog today.

Do you have someone that this is a prayer for?

I do.

It’s HSSH.

I’ve prayed for him for so long.

It is so hard to keep believing in One Day.

I had a conversation with him last night.  The lies that he believes just keep growing.  I wonder how long…  When does truth break through?  How does truth break through?

Sometimes I feel like “this one” is just too hard. 

I can’t take it any more.

God can’t break him.

If you knew the intimate details of the conversations, decisions, and life choices that my ex-husband has made… 

…would you look at me with pity and say what a shame it all is... all the while thinking in the back of your mind that I am such a poor thing for ever thinking that something could come of this.

…would you tell me that God is the God of impossibilities.  Would you remind me of the story of Daniel, Paul, Mary, Nehemiah, Abraham and Sarah, Noah, David… you know, just about everyone in the Bible…

…would you say that if God said that He was going to restore this family.  He will.

The problem in my mind comes when I start to wonder if my idea of what restoration matches Gods.  I know that my ways aren’t His.

Pray that TRUTH sets HSSH free.

Pray that  TRUTH sets me free.

Pray that TRUTH sets our family free.

Pray that what that looks like brings us all closer to HIM.

I don’t want to stop praying for ""One Day" in HSSH's life... I just don't know how I will survive to that day.  

The gap between today and "One Day" has me thinking...  I'm done.  I'm done playing the game.  I'm done listening to the lies and excuses.  I'm done being a part of it.  Take it away, Dear Jesus.

Why do I bring this up today?  I don't know.  It's on my heart.  My heart that is so very tired of being broken.  My heart that needs her savior to come and set it free.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 25, 2008

New Day, New Mercy

Yesterday, the choke was back.  Obviously.

Yesterday, I read what Brent Riggs wrote on their family's blog as they go through the cancer of their daughter Abby.  And then I read what MckMamma wrote about her latest tests on her unborn child with a heart condition.

Can I confess to having a really, really, cynical, ugly, awful thought?

I thought… “yeah, I used to write stuff like that… talk to me in three years.”

This post is in answer to that thought.

A thought that obviously came from the enemy of God.

A thought that the enemy of God really wants me to believe about my God.

That after three years of fighting for my marriage and family that my God has not and will not come through for me.

Brent Riggs, said this in his post, “It's been said that true courage is brave action despite fear. I would say the same principle applies to faith. Real faith, is the CHOICE to trust God despite circumstances that challenge faith. In light of that, I would say to you: Nope, not faking.”

MckMamma said this in her post, “And now, I will bring out the big guns. You see, as much of the Refiner's Fire as I have been going through lately, God's voice is still clearly calling out to me, saying, "Be patient child, I am not finished with you yet." All the struggles and ups and downs our family has been through lately are not the end. God has more in store for us and He wants me to keep clinging to Him alone!!”

In answer I want to tell the Riggs family, and MckMamma’s family, that even if your trial lasts way longer than you can imagine enduring… that same God is still going to be there.

He is going to give you new mercy for each day that you are in that fire.

He is going to give you strength over and over and over again when you just can’t do it any more.

He is going to bring peace and joy into your life when peace and joy shouldn’t be there.

He is going to carry you when you cannot move yourself.

Unfortunately, the enemy of our souls is still there also, trying to cast doubt over every moment that goes by.

And I would say again today…

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.’" –Luke 18:27

 

Originally Published on You're Gonna Miss This, September 23, 2008

Monday, Monday

Hi. 

I’ve been in such a rotten mood for the past day or so that I have not wanted to write and complain.

So, I’m not writing and complaining.

I’m writing to ask that you pray for me to get out of this slump.

To get through another week.

Another day.

Another hour.

You know that saying, “when mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”?  It works this way too.  When mama is a grump, everyone else seems to have a licence to be one too.

Deadly poison.

I am expecting to be back here giving testimony of God’s Grace coming through and lifting me up out of this pit again very soon.

For now… listen to the song on my music player called… “Love her like Jesus”

Love,

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 22, 2008

Nehemiah & Me

If you are like me, you haven’t spent too much time with your Bible open to the book of Nehemiah.  Until the past couple years, I think I may have only been in that chapter once.  Did you know that Jadon’s name is in the book of Nehemiah?

“Next to them, repairs were made by men from Gibeon and Mizpah—Melatiah of Gibeon and Jadon of Meronoth—”  Nehemiah 3:7

Did you know that after the Children of Israel were carried off to captivity in Babylon.  Remember Daniel?  God called Nehemiah to go back to Jerusalem and rebuild the city.

Jerusalem was a mess.  In Nehemiah 4 we learn some of the shape the city was in..

When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall, he became angry and was greatly incensed. He ridiculed the Jews, and in the presence of his associates and the army of Samaria, he said, "What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?"

Tobiah the Ammonite, who was at his side, said, "What they are building—if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!"  Neh. 4:1-3

I am not sure when this story was brought to my attention and became a parallel to my life.  I know I am not clever enough to come up with these things on my own.  See that part about the stones being burned?  “Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?”

That has been my thought over and over.  Just last week again, I was struggling with the thoughts that this is too big of a mess to be fixed.

“to bestow on them a crown of beauty  instead of ashes,”  Isaiah 61:3

I know that God is using this charred, burned, heaps of rubble & ash, and is bringing life back into it.  Slowly. 

“So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart.”  Nehemiah 4:6

Sometimes I feel like this.  I work with all my heart… get about 1/2 way through what I know I am supposed to be doing and lose heart.  Getting frustrated at how long it is taking.  How much work it all is.  How things aren’t going the way I wanted them to.

“Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, ‘The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.’" Neh. 4:10

How often it just looks like too much.  My strength gives out.  I can’t keep going takes over my mind.

“Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  Neh. 4:13,14

And people come to stand with me and fight.  At the “exposed places”, “with their swords, spears and bows.”  And I am not alone.

“Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."

And so I post these words around my house.  I remember to fight.  I remember that I am not alone.  I am fighting for my home.  My sons.  My daughters. 

“So we continued the work with half the men holding spears, from the first light of dawn till the stars came out.”  Neh. 4:21

And we continue to go on fighting.  Standing together.  Using burnt stones to rebuild a family that was completely destroyed by an unseen enemy. 

But, what of the father of this home?  Is there no hope left for him?  Is he part of this rebuilding process?  God alone holds that secret mystery.  My prayers still gravitate towards the hope that the rebuilding will include him.   The opposition is very heavy against it.  The area that includes him is burned beyond recognition.  Three years to us is much different than three years to God…

I find it quite interesting that Jadon was one of those wall builders.  Makes you wonder.

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 19, 2008

Especially Today.

1086 days ago today.  It was an average day.  Home Schooling 4 kids.  Dealing with 3 preschoolers.  When HSSH left for work, I remember being worried about him.  But, he was shutting me out, so there was only prayer.

I have made it my choice today to focus on all of the good of the past 1086 days.

The World Book Encyclopedia says this about remembering…”Memory is a vital part of the learning process.  Without it, learning would be impossible.  If your brain recorded nothing from the past, you would be unable to learn anything new.  All your experiences would be lost as soon as they ended.”

There are many things in my memory of the past 3 years that are negative.  Hurtful.  Horrid.  Devastating.  Unbelievable. 

Trust me when I say that these would be much simpler to focus on than the good.

Our human nature is to be negative.

So, that is why I call it a choice.

“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live”  Deut. 30:19

The counselor I went to when this all first happened, asked me if I knew what satan’s favorite game was?

I didn’t.  All I knew was that I wasn't enjoying being his pawn. 

Dominoes.

It was satan's plan to take my family and destroy each of our lives.

But, what would happen if, I, the second domino, removed myself from this plan?  What if I made choices NOT to cooperate with satan's plan.  What if I made different choices?  What if I choose life?

"...so that you and your children may live?"

If I'd have known how hard it was going to be I am not sure I would have chosen it.  But, then again, How could I not have?

Dear Jesus, You have brought me 1086 days into this wilderness... It  has not been fun.  It has not been easy.  It is not over.  But, YOU oh GOD are FAITHFUL.  YOU will be with me to the end.  YOU say to keep going.  Don't stop.  YOU say that I can do all things through YOU who gives me strength.  YOU say that YOU can bring beauty from these ashes.  YOU say that YOU will give me mercy every morning.  YOU say that YOU are the ABBA FATHER.  That YOUR grace is enough.  That YOU do not forget us or forsake us.  That in my weakness YOU are the most strong. 

I say, AMEN.  AMEN.  AMEN.  AMEN. 

I used to only believe it by faith.  Now I believe it because I am living it out.  One day after another.  And HE is faithful.  He is faithful.  He is faithful.

Today I bring GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE to the ONE who carries me.  In nail scarred hands that died so that I might have this choice of life.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I WORSHIP YOU.

"But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."  2 Tim. 4:17-18

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 16, 2008

Don’t Worry.

“I’m not worried.”

When I went to a counseling appointment on Thursday night and shared all of the things that had been going on for the past week, after commenting that he was surprised I still had hair, he told me I was worrying.  (I am sure that you all had already realized this too)

Me?

I thought, “no, this isn’t worry”

I am not sure what I thought it was.

Imbalance?

Stress?

My thoughts were...

It’s all HSSH’s fault anyway.  What does any of it matter?

I am stuck in this life, dealing with this man.  I can’t live because HE WILL come and wreck it up if I try.  He has every right to come in and exercise his “parenting time” any time he chooses.

And I am left to deal with it all.

I thought I could live.  I can’t.  HE won’t let me.  I thought I could move on, I can’t HE won’t let me. 

Worried?

No, I’m ticked.  This is crap.  I want out of this.  I want this to stop.

But, it won’t.  It don’t.  It isn’t.

He prayed for me to let go of the worry.

He caught on that I was worried about my life continuing like this forever. 

He told me that it wouldn’t be this way forever.

It’s hard to believe that.

He told me it’s not HSSH that is doing this to me.  It is the worry.  It is the devil’s plan to destroy the peace that God has given me.  HSSH doesn’t have that kind of power.

I can see that.

I still don’t know how to live this out though.

I don’t know how to deal with the disturbance HSSH creates and not let it do this to me.

Friday morning I was reading through some notes I took at the Beth Moore conference we went to in August.

She used the parable of the sower in Luke 8 as her text.  She was on the part about the seed that was choked out by the weeds.  She used the term, “Stop the choke”.

Oh yeah, I am feeling the choke.

And low and behold, would you believe, she said that the choke is WORRY? Darn…. he was right… this is worry…

Here are the notes I took…

• Anxiety chokes the Word right out of us.
• Exactly the time we need God most, we feel Him the least because we’re worrying this thing so much we’re choking the Word out of us.
• How do we get that choke hold off of us?
• Philippians 4:6..."Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"
• Anytime we are all anxiety ridden our feeling is loss of control (hummm...)
• Speak truth over it.
• Warriors not worriers.
• Everytime we show and anxious spirit we show the enemy we're not trusting God with it.
• Immaturiity says I insist on life feeling good. 
• This is a trap for a life of bondage and addiction.
• He'll use your pain to birth your passion
• You will not lack on Spriritual gift that you need to fulfill your destiny.
• All that will matter when we're done here is that life mattered.
• Testify that Gods' Word heals and restores, make the devil wish that he hadn't messed with you!
• You don't have to live in hysteria and chaos. 
• Let HIM change your day.

Yesterday, I just kept praying, processing, and working through all of this.  I feel very weak, vulnerable, and I still don't know how all this works.  How I "live" and don't go insane with worry every other weekend.

But, I am speaking HIS WORD over it all...  This is one of the books of promises I have written down to read and re-read...

This is the promise that came to my mind this morning...

Psalm 71:20-24...

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
       you will restore my life again;
       from the depths of the earth
       you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor
       and comfort me once again.

I will praise you with the harp
       for your faithfulness, O my God;
       I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
       O Holy One of Israel.

My lips will shout for joy
       when I sing praise to you—
       I, whom you have redeemed.

My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
       all day long,
       for those who wanted to harm me
       have been put to shame and confusion

My counselor said that there was determination on my face when I left… we will see…

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This, September 6, 2008