Sitting in my puddle

I met a new friend yesterday. 

Through Twitter.

I love texting.

I love Twitter on my cell phone.

I started following a new Twitter friend last week when someone RTed (Twitter term for forwarding meaning Re-Tweet) me a message this person sent about not letting fear rule your day.

You know, last week when I was letting fear rule my day.

So, when my new Twitter friend, who I didn’t  know, except that she was not letting fear rule her day, commented that she was wearing flip-flops and stubbing her toe on purpose just because she is that ready for spring.  I had to respond that I had just purchased a package of oreos with the word “spring” on them and a giant butterfly, because I am just that ready for spring too!

We tweeted back and forth for awhile, mostly about chocolate.  Then she decided to check out just who she was tweeting with and read my profile. 

Yeah.

I make a great impression don’t I.

She commented I’d been through a lot.

Yeah.

Man sometimes I really hate that.  I really want to be someone else.

Anyway she ended up asking me if she could call me on the phone and talk.

This is when I decided maybe I should check out her profile…

Impressive.

So.  We talked.

I told her my story.

You know how I’ve been in a little bit of a down stage lately?  Okay.  I’ve been downright negative.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been hurting.  I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been hopeless.  I’ve been prayerless.  I’ve lost sight of my purpose.  I don’t see any light in my tunnel.  I don’t see anything changing.  Ever.  My life is going to be hard.  I am going to be alone.  I am going struggle and struggle and struggle and nothing is ever going to be easy.

I’ve been sitting in a mud puddle with no desire to get out.  None.

Yesterday, when my new friend Sue called me out of the land of Twitter… I started telling her my story.  Not the yuck, but the “Wow!”  The amazing provision of God for our family.  The great kids I have.  The awesome family support I have.  The business God has given to me. 

I’d forgotten.

I really thought God had forgotten me here in my puddle of muddy misery.  Because I am not seeing how He is being the Father to my fatherless children.  I am not seeing how He is being my husband.  I feel like I have to do it all myself.  I don’t see any hope of life being any different than it is right now.  Hard, overwhelming, and lonely.

I have mud in my eyes.

Sue used some of the wonderful Words of David to wash the mud out of my eyes. 

God used some of His wonderful, mysterious ways to wash the mud out of my eyes.

I felt like the strangling I hadn’t even realized had returned had been released from my neck and I could breathe again…

“Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get so crazy busy with life that we forget. Sometimes the noise of the crowd overwhelms the still small voice and we forget.

I think David did too.
I think that's exactly why he wrote these words in Psalm 103:1-2:”

Read the rest of Sue @ Praise and Coffee’s post inspired from our conversation last night by following this link.

Thanks Sue for showing me how God wanted to get me out of that puddle, show me my reflection, remind me of how faithful HE has been, and help me to speak truth again.

I pray things start getting a little more encouraging around here soon. 

Pam

Light Bulb Moments…

A scattering of thoughts…

** Sometimes it hits me all over again where my life is, circumstance wise, and is so overwhelming I just crumble.  I find I need to allow myself the chance to cry again over what has happened, allow it to be okay that it has been over 4 years since it happened… and just grieve it again for awhile.

Then the sun comes up again.  And all the power of the Word of God & the faith that has been forming in my heart as I have learned through the trial to BELIEVE. WAIT. HOPE. LOVE. FORGIVE. Floods back in.  And I am more thankful than I was before.  Because I see where I could be, and I see where I am… and I am blessed.

**No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be financially capable of supporting my family with my photography business, solo.

I am finding that I have been making myself crazed trying to figure out how to balance a business, 6 kids & a home.  All the while not losing my mind.  It’s not going very well.

** I am living in “survival mode”

WHAT?  AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

When my friend mentioned to me “you are in survival mode” the other day, it was like.  “OH MY WORD I AM!?!”  “I AM!”  How did I get there again??????

See, I was doing so well… then I started adding more and more to my plate… and suddenly it starting spilling over the sides… and I have a mess.

There is a certain peace that comes from realizing you are in survival mode and accepting it.

It’s good.

** I don’t have it figured out… but I do have peace back. 

I am going to do what I feel I can handle, business wise and no more.  That may mean I don’t do any photography some months… And will pick up more other months.  I hope my clients are flexible.  But, I really can’t worry about it if they are not.  If I am giving God the business & the Glory then it’s all really his problem to figure out anyway.

My top priority is going to go back to being my kids & their well being.  I am going to take control of my time.  I am going to stay on top of their lives. 

Again, I don’t know how.  There is only one of me.  And sometimes that really ticks me off.  But, it is what it is.  So, I will help with homework from 3:45 til 10:00… fit dinner, and a ball game in between… read books to them that they don’t understand when they read them themselves… go over spelling and grammar every night… stumble through Freshman  Biology vocab words over and over again… Figure out how F*A*S*F*A (if you’ve not sent a child to college yet you won’t know what that means, but one day soon you will, trust me!) works… clean up after the messy things my daughter does (apparently I am supposed to be supporting, encouraging, and allowing these “projects” which really goes against my nature)… then clean up again when she does things that I have not allowed or encouraged…

Again.  Not by my strength.  I can’t.  As soon as I start to think that I have to, I crumble. Or I get a call from a teacher saying my child was once again in the principal’s office. 

I cannot, on my own, be an advocate for each of my children in their schools.  God must raise up others.  God must send help.  He must.

I don’t know how HE does it.  And I confess it can really make me mad in the midst, to be wondering where HE is and why I can’t feel HIM… Because it sure “feels” like I have to do this on my own.

I don’t know how, but I know that even when I don’t feel it or see it or understand it… HE does.  And people are praying, and truth eventually comes around again, and I start to feel it again… and we go around.

**  I really, really, really, really, really, don’t like the load God is asking me to trust Him with.  It is after all about trust isn’t it.  Do I trust He is not going to give me more than I can bear?  (1 Cor 10:13)  I confess it feels like it is too much too many days. 

** So those are my light-bulbs for today.  I don’t have it all figured out, I make mistakes, I feel overwhelmed, I don’t like not getting my way, I am human living on earth… trying to learn to glorify God rather than myself.  Painful.

“All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.”  --John 17:10  (Jesus)

Pam

“Pain Perpetual”

“Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed?  Wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as water that fail?”  --Jeremiah 15:18

Some days this is what I feel like.  The wound incurable.  The pain perpetual.  The ever seeping wound that we just get used to having around and try to ignore as much as we can until suddenly the infection gets to be too much, again…

The thought that my life it always going to revolve around the event that occurred on September 16, 2005.  Like the devastation of an earthquake on my family.  How many years will the rebuilding take?  A lifetime? 

I want so badly to be healed.  To be free of the burden of the prayer.  To have my children healed.  To stop being alone.  To stop feeling all the weight of responsibility on my own shoulders. 

I do trust God. 

But, some days I feel like screaming (and some days I do scream)  “WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS???  WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE THIS??  DONT YOU SEE I AM FAILING???  DONT YOU SEE I CANT DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO???  CAN’T YOU SEE?????”

You know something else?  There are just no words for times when you feel like that.  All you can do is throw yourself on the ground and weep.  Throw yourself at the feet of the FATHER… and weep.  There are no answers.  At least not at that moment.

Sometimes we just have to take the day and cry. 

Sometimes.

Are we okay with letting that just be okay?

It is very hard to see someone in this kind of pain.  I admit that I don’t like to see others in  pain.  I also admit that I am one of those people who wants to give an answer, quote some scripture, say it’s all going to look better tomorrow, say whatever I think will bring that person comfort in that day…

Know what?  Sometimes it’s just better if we don’t say anything…

Isn’t that strange?

Praying God sees each of us through those times when we just feel like we aren’t going to make it.  Praying for HIM to show me the truth when I feel that way.

After all, He is the One in charge.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”  --Isaiah 58:11-12

Pam

19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam

Somehow…

Somehow life has become “normal” again.

Somehow I am raising 6 children on my own.

Somehow the sun is coming up each day and still reminds me of the promise of restoration God has given me.

Somehow I am taking pictures and people like them and want me to take them of them,and get this... I am getting paid to do something I love!

Somehow our needs are continuing to be provided for in every way possible and then some.

Somehow.

How?

This incredibly mind blowing God I serve.

He is how.

No other way.

None.

Zero.

Any questions?

Pam

Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Oldies but Goodies: Turn it Around God

 Tim @ Fort Thompson is hosting yet another great, and super easy blog carnival!  I am joining him this week by reposting this post from last April…

I have to add a small update though… James continues to be the one making the efforts with his dad, HSSH.  But, HSSH is making a small effort to come to James football games this year.  He’s been to 1/2. 

And me… my heart continues to break for HSSH… and see how God keeps bringing up Psalms 37 like I said yesterday?  Sunday in church we sang a hymn.  I could not sing a word of it… the tears were too heavy on my heart…

“I have a Savior, He’s pleading in glory,

A dear loving Savior, tho’ earth-friends be few;

And now He is watching in tenderness  o’er me,

And oh, that my Savior were your Savior too.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

I am praying for you.”

Now the old post…

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

Catchup

It’s Labor Day.

My 4 oldest are all off somewhere.

My 2 youngest are arguing over new toys.

I’ve spent the better of the weekend playing with pictures.

My house is showing the results of that.

It’s time for an update here though.

Time for some words rather than all pictures.

But, there will be pictures. For sure.

I think when I last left you with some personal thoughts about myself, I was talking about beef stew… there is more to that you know…

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of hearing one of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore, live, via simulcast.  Beth feels like a close friend to me, if you’ve walked this road long with me, you know that already. 

God has used Beth’s words to walk me through some tough (understatement of the century) days, and to say some hard stuff.  He’s also used them to encourage me & enlighten me.  Bring freedom to my soul. To speak His truth until I began to believe Him down to the marrow of my bones.

This time was not different.

The worship brought tears to my eyes, until I couldn’t contain them … so much thankfulness in my heart.  Thankfulness that God has brought me through living hell & that I have joy in my life again.

How do I put words to what my heart feels?  I can’t.  I really can’t.  He really is good.  All the time.  He really can work miracles in our hearts if we will let Him.  Even when the circumstances are unchanged. 

I think that’s the thing that gets me the most.  I didn’t believe that I could feel peace.  Could live life.  Could get on with things.  Not without changed circumstances.  I really didn’t believe it was possible.

Beth spoke on Psalms 37.  A chapter that God has brought me to over and over again in the past.  One reason that I have went to that chapter is that it talks about the evil around us and how much it seems that people get away with.  How unfair things feel.  How often doing the right things doesn’t seem to matter.  Admit it.  On earth it doesn’t feel like it matters sometimes.  And I long to understand that.  And to have peace with that.  And to still believe God despite that…

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong”

Psalms 37:1

Beth focused on the forth verse of this chapter for the bulk of the day.  The verse says…

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalms 37:4

What are the desires of our hearts?  One quote from Beth that was huge & takes some meditating on…

“Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desires”  --Beth Moore

What do you read there?  That’s deep.  You may have to write it down and pray about it like I am.

I want my heart’s desires to match up with God’s.  I have to go back over and over again and wonder if my heart’s desire to see a restored marriage is me or God.  I want to believe it’s God.  I do.  Could it become me?  Could it become my desire to not be wrong.  My pride.  My desire for a perfect, happy ending?  My desire for a storybook life?  Yes.  All too easily.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to speak to me on this issue.  Because I, in my flesh, in my contentment with my new normal, could easily say, “forget it”.  In fact I am quite happy with the way things are.  Putting a man like HSSH back in my life anytime soon would just mess with me all over again.  And even though I am so amazed by how God gets us through trials like this… I would NEVER willingly jump back into trial & tribulation & stress & yougetthepoint again.

So, I am listening to Beth… she is in the audience speaking to the ladies there.  She is asking them to tell her what they took away from the message on Friday evening.  One lady says to Beth, I have been praying for something for 15 years and your message last night just encouraged me so much to not give up.

Beth replies to her that she shouldn’t give up on that thing until “God releases her”.

My heart hears… “you have not been released, you can’t give up.”  I know what He’s talking about.

Later on, Beth is talking about three things that rob our joy…

Her quote was…

“What’s taking a bite out of my personal delight?  Because delight is our right.”

Beth used the acronym “JAW” to help us remember what is “biting” away at our delight.  JAW stands for Jealousy, Anger, & Worry.

Uh-huh…

So she is talking about jealousy, and asking what we are jealous about.  I am sitting there thinking about that.  Of course there is an argument in my mind.  Am I really jealous about that?  No, I don’t think I am.  Maybe.  Maybe that?

Beth suddenly says…

“We may say ‘they have my husband’ I promise you God’s gonna deal with that”

O. My. Word. How does God do that?  How does He do that?  HOW DOES HE DO THAT??  He is amazing!  Amazing I say. 

All that being said to say.  I am living in the most peaceful place I have been in in years.  I am loving it.  I am amazed by it.  I am still believing & praying for a miracle in my dead marriage.  But, it isn’t holding me captive.

God is Good.

Pam

Originally published @ You're Gonna Miss This

God & Beef Stew

Things have been going well.  Very well.  I am feeling blessed.  It is good.  But, I’ve found myself afraid to say much.  You know?  As soon as you say something then something happens and ruins it all… so I’ve been kinda sitting back holding my breath… wondering. waiting.

Last week I had a wonderful time with a friend & counselor.  We talked, had coffee, cried, prayed… processed… & mostly my heart just felt like it wanted to burst with the love I have for my God & my Jesus & the Holy Spirit… because He is more than I ever dreamed He would be.

I never believed that I could feel joy again, let alone joy like I have never felt before.  Not unless everything I was praying for happened.  Then I’d feel joy.

Many times I have heard that God wanted me to feel joy now.  Before my prayers were answered.  I didn’t see how.  I couldn’t wrap my small brain around it all.  Many times people have prayed.  God heard.

Last week it really hit me.  Many ways really.  After the meeting with my friend, there was an opportunity to make some food (again) for the football team.

This time it is for a smaller group, 25-30 players as they watch game tape.  It doesn’t have to be much, they say.  I decided that I wanted to make beef stew.

CRAZY!

I thought, “NO! That is too hard.  That will overwhelm you.  You can’t do that.  You don’t have to do that.  No one is asking you to do that.  Don’t do that.”

But, what I realized is that I wanted to do it.  I realized that it feels SO good to actually be able to do something that I am finding pure joy in making beef stew for 25-30 football players!

CRAZY!

Live out 4 or more years in paralyzing fear, anger, worry,frustration, and pain… finally feel joy again… without your prayers being answered… then you will understand.  Or at least try to understand.  I don't think it’s understandable by our brains.

I don’t understand.

I’ve decided to run with it.  I am making beef stew today.  Lots of beef stew.  And these boys have no idea how much my heart is rejoicing that I am able to make it.  No idea… I have tears in my eyes right now because I am able to make beef stew!! 

God, You make me laugh!

Pam

Originally published at You're Gonna Miss This

“A Song In Your Thought Closet”

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written out my thoughts concerning, him.  So, it’s been awhile since anything posted on my blog Standing.  I post often on my family blog You're Gonna Miss This.  And then I take the posts I write about divorce & waiting on God & repost them on Standing.

This morning as I was working on Day 3 of the last week in the Bible Study I’ve been doing this summer, I felt I needed to share some of it with you here, and how it hit me.  I am doing the Workbook for,  Me, Myself, & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  It’s been very good! 

This morning she took us to the story of Deborah in Judges 4.  The Prophet Deborah led Israel when they were enslaved by a ruthless Canaanite king named Jabin.  The Israelite army, led by Barak, had no weapons to use to fight their captors.  They had been enslaved for 20 years!

“Facing a daunting task—particularly one that involves risk, sacrifice, and pain—can make the best of us want to wave a white flag.  Maybe Barak thought his militia would be defeated and humiliated for yet another generation.  That would be a pretty good reason for him to quit even before he began.  We’ve all faced enemies and battles that reveal our frailty and make us feel feeble, overwhelmed, and ready to turn tail.”

“Describe such a “battle” or experience in your life that made or makes you want to give up.”

It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out where my thoughts went this morning.  The place they go quite often as I consider giving up on the fight for restoration of a dead marriage that began over 18 years ago, intensified into a virtual war zone almost 4 years ago & and appears by all human perspectives to be the most hopeless thing ever… and I should probably be moving on & God probably meant just the restoration of MY life & MY children’s lives… not of HSSH…

“…sometimes you feel like you’re fighting the same old battles all the time.  Just when you get a victory, the battle rages again!”

“Sometimes you feel like just throwing in the towel.  Is it really such a big deal?”

“Think about and answer the following questions:”

“What would the world be lacking if I quit?”

“What would I show my family by giving up?”

“What am I settling for if I choose to give in when it gets tough?”

“Of all the songs the sons of Korah sang, few are more precious to me than Psalm 84… Rephrase the verses of the Psalm into lyrics you can sing to your soul”

Psalm 84

For the director of music. According to gittith. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
       O LORD Almighty!

² My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God.

³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
       and the swallow a nest for herself,
       where she may have her young—
       a place near your altar,
       O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
       they are ever praising you.
       Selah

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
       they make it a place of springs;
       the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength,
       till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
       listen to me, O God of Jacob.
       Selah

⁹ Look upon our shield,  O God;
       look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
       than a thousand elsewhere;
       I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
       than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

There is much to be said about how I answered those questions & what I felt in my heart as I answered them is about the only confirmation that I have that I am still on the right track.  Peace that passes all understanding is so hard to put into words.  But, when i tell God that I don’t want to stop believing what He told me He wants to do in my stinking dead marriage, & I feel this peace that makes my heart feel like it wants to soar to the Heavens… How can I not believe?

I confess I spend more time doubting, trying to make sense of the natural & being frustrated with the whole thing than I do believing for it.  Most of the time I find it is just easier not to think about it or talk about it.

But, don’t think for a moment that I am not still holding on to this hope.  Or that God, in His Amazing Ways, isn’t still encouraging me to do so.  Even as I ask Him if there is not another way?  He doesn’t open any new doors.  He gives me perfect peace that this is the way.

As much as I’d like to argue with that… how can I?

Pam

Laying it on the altar

I could not count the number of times I have said this phrase in the past 3 and a half years.  Add to that the number of times others have said it to me.  Many times.

What does it mean?

“Laying it on the altar”?

In the Old Testament you will recall they sacrificed offerings to God on altars.  This is how God was worshipped. This is what God asked of them in that pre-Christ time.

Why would anyone be suggesting that to me today?

It’s surely not a matter of me getting some wood, fire & stone and offering a lamb to God.  No.  That’s not it.

So, what?

There is one particular part of the Bible that talks about Abraham & his son Isaac.  And in this passage, God tells Abraham to go up on this mountain and offer up his only son Isaac to Him as a sacrifice.  Kill his only son.  This son that God had told him HE would make into a great nation.  This son that God had given to him and Sarah in their old age.  That son.

The Bible doesn’t give us the idea that Abraham questioned God on this.  It appears that Abraham heard from God, and he did what God asked.

Assuming Abraham is just as human as you and I, I have to believe, while he may not have verbally said it, his mind had to have been racing with questions.  He had to have been wondering what would happen and how God was going to pull this off.  He had to.  He was human.  Not perfect.  Not a saint.  Just a human.

Like me.

“After all this, God tested Abraham. God said, "Abraham!"
"Yes?" answered Abraham. "I'm listening."

He said, "Take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I'll point out to you."  Abraham got up early in the morning and saddled his donkey. He took two of his young servants and his son Isaac. He had split wood for the burnt offering. He set out for the place God had directed him. On the third day he looked up and saw the place in the distance. Abraham told his two young servants, "Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I are going over there to worship; then we'll come back to you."

Genesis 22:1-5 (Msg)

The passage continues with Abraham obeying, getting to the top of the mountain, raising the knife, and then…

They arrived at the place to which God had directed him. Abraham built an altar. He laid out the wood. Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the wood. Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son.

Just then an angel of God called to him out of Heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Yes, I'm listening."

"Don't lay a hand on that boy! Don't touch him! Now I know how fearlessly you fear God; you didn't hesitate to place your son, your dear son, on the altar for me."

Abraham looked up. He saw a ram caught by its horns in the thicket. Abraham took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

Abraham named that place God-Yireh (God-Sees-to-It). That's where we get the saying, "On the mountain of God, he sees to it."

The angel of God spoke from Heaven a second time to Abraham: "I swear—God's sure word!—because you have gone through with this, and have not refused to give me your son, your dear, dear son, I'll bless you—oh, how I'll bless you! And I'll make sure that your children flourish—like stars in the sky! like sand on the beaches! And your descendants will defeat their enemies. All nations on Earth will find themselves blessed through your descendants because you obeyed me."

As I understand it, we do this today when God is asking us to lay down something very precious to us.  Something we love very much. Something God has given us, and we felt was ours to keep.  And He is asking us if we are willing to give it all up for Him.

That’s how I understand it.

In my mind, I’ve been trying to do this.  I know it is the right thing to do.  So over and over again, I will lay down bits and pieces of things dear to me. Mostly my hurt. Trying to give God my marriage, but having a hard time seeing how I give it up and believe for a miracle at the same time.  Laying it down. Letting Him have it. Offering it as a sacrificial offering to Him.

I’ve said it.  I’ve done it.  I’ve said it.  I’ve totally struggled with understanding it.

Last week I was on the mower (a great place to think), and I was thinking about this whole concept.  The promise I believe God has given me for restoration of my family.  The desire I have in my heart for that to look not just as a restoration of a father back to his children, & his God.  But back to me.  Back as my husband. 

I saw myself over the past 4 years dragging the sacrifice up and down this hill.  laying it on the altar and then pulling it off again.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.

It’s been exhausting.

Then I thought.  Have I ever really, really raised the knife to this thing?  I mean, I’ve laid it up there and then I’ve snatched it back off (unaware most of the time) and drug it around. Tried to prop it up and make it look like a living thing.  But, have I ever raised the knife?

I haven’t.

In my mind I have totally struggled with being able to separate the death of this on the altar and giving up on God’s ability to do what He said He can do.  It just felt like giving up to let the thing die out… it’s too much for my brain to grasp…

And God’s saying, “You don’t have to grasp it, Just let Me do it.”

I saw myself in my mind, standing over the promises.  Standing over my marriage.  Standing over my dreams.  My hopes.  My pain.  My struggles.  My vision.  Holding this knife.  And looking around for God to “provide a lamb”.

I couldn’t plunge that knife that day.  I had to wait and see if a lamb showed up in the bushes.

The next day, still struggling with all the thoughts… I get another moment of silence.  I remember myself still standing with the knife in the air… and I tell myself, It’s time.  Your lamb is not coming. You must kill it. 

And I physically raise my arms and bring them down in the motion of lowering a knife into some unseen sacrifice.

Then I see myself, turning, leaving the sacrifice on the altar and walking away.  Tears streaming.  It’s dead.

I have no desire to go back and get it.  But, I know myself well enough to know I might try.  And I might find myself dragging the dirty, smelly, dead thing around again.  Trying in my own human strength to make it look alive.  I don't want to, but I know I am very capable of it.

I know that God is the only one who is capable of giving me the strength to leave it there.  He is the only one who is going to be able to bring life to where there is no life.  He is it.

I found this verse to be quite interesting…

“By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.”

Hebrews 11:17-19

In my mind, I reason… God can raise the dead.  I believe that.  I have that faith.  I do.

Pam

It doesn’t matter.

That’s my new theme.  It doesn’t matter.  It would take about 10,000 words, and you would all fall asleep reading about how I came to that theme in the past week.  I’ll try to condense it into 1000 words or less.  Or at the very least 3 or 4 blog posts… sheesh… Sometimes I just want to be funny.  You know, write about funny things like the dead animal carcass’s that the dog keeps dragging up to our house… oh?  That isn’t funny… I wish I could just sit and write a post and make it funny.  Too much seriousness over here sometimes, I am ready for a change.  I need a change.  So, here is hoping I can share some of the stuff I’ve been learning and experiencing for God… You won’t fall asleep or exit my page before I’m done, and maybe in the next few days I can move on to other topics… at least for awhile.  I know I am ready.

Last week in my very first Vlogemotion, and when I wrote about swirling & whirling emotions, you could see very plainly that I was at such a loss.  It has felt like my destiny was to deal with all these emotions every time my ex-husband came around.  That somehow I was stuck. 

Honestly, I didn’t see how even God could get me out of the state of mind I found myself in.

I sat in a counseling session on Thursday saying, no I don’t want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to surrender it.  BUT, I don’t see how anything is going to change.

As we sat quietly waiting on the Lord to answer my heart’s cry, I felt Him saying, “You don’t have to understand it Pam, Just let Me do it.”

One of my biggest struggles is my desire to understand and be able to wrap my tiny little human brain around a All Powerful Untamable God.  Sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. But, it’s real.

So, I’ve been learning about just letting God heal without me understanding the “how” or “why” of it.

How?  He’s God.  He Can.  He Will.  If we will let Him.  Oh.

Why?  He is God.  He loves me.  No reason.  He just does.  Cause He’s God. 

It doesn’t matter.  It just is.

Oh.

I could write a whole post on a couple of other issues He has been speaking to me about.  Maybe I will.  What He has been teaching me on sacrifice & Laying things down,  What He has been speaking to me about thinking I could “fix” or “save” or “change” someone.   Huge things.

Uhg.

I get so frustrated with myself.  That same old thing of wanting to understand, also manifests itself in a pride that says, “I want to learn it once and get it and not keep making the same mistakes over and over again”.  Ugly thing that pride.

I find it all over the place these days.  Places I never wanted to find it. Places I didn’t think it could encounter.  Another of the places I found pride this week is in this whole promise of restoration I have been talking about since HSSH left.  I found that as I wait, I get more and more nervous that maybe I have been wrong.  Maybe I told the whole world I believe God is going to do this, and maybe He never will!  And I find pride… because in those thoughts I find myself trying to justify HSSH’s actions, and growing increasingly frustrated with his actions, because they don’t match what I believe God wants to do, and if he doesn’t do what God wants him to do then I look like a foolish idiot who is wasting her life believing something that is never going to happen.

So it’s about me again.  PRIDE.  UGLY.  Blah!!

God, I believe You said this.  But, It is not up to me to make it happen.  I don’t even understand what You mean when You say that You want to bring restoration.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I’ have created a picture in my head of what I believe it needs to look like, and as time passes and it doesn’t play out I get pretty freaked out!  I fear.  I get angry.  I try to figure out ways to make You do things the way I want them to be.

And then I find myself in a tizzy of pain, emotions, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, life sapping issues… and I don’t want to be there either. 

Show me How to walk this out YOUR way. How to surrender to YOUR plans.  How to speak boldly the truth and then let YOU do what YOU want to do YOUR way, rather than me try to make YOU into something my human brain can comprehend.

Forgive me, Father.  Thank You for being YOU.  For continuing to teach YOUR children, over and over again.  And for not giving up on me.

*******

I’ve been working through all these things with God.  Yesterday morning I got a call from HSSH.  I saw I had missed a call from him and my heart rate immediately doubled.  I cried out to God (and my friend Judy) that this is what I want to stop!  Why can’t I see his name on my phone without my heart jumping into this mode?

I was so frustrated with that.

I ended up calling him back a little later, when my heart had slowed down.  The conversation was okay, I did have to defend myself against something Jadon ha told him last week at the ball diamonds.  That was difficult.

He had asked to do something with Lucas for his birthday.  Lucas had a game, and Zach had a game.  So I offered either another night or he could come to the game & then take them out for ice cream afterwards.

That is what they ended up doing.

All day, and then as I saw them at the games, these little details kept coming up in my mind.  Little things that he had said, or did, or I saw.  I felt like God gave me the words, “It doesn’t matter”. 

I just kept speaking & thinking that as the night went on. It doesn't matter. It’s okay.  It doesn’t matter. This is good for the kids. It doesn't matter.

Truly if I am going to let go of all the emotions and frustrations of this I have to not get myself all wrapped up in the things he is doing that are driving me nuts and I believe are wrong.  I have to let go.  I have to let God deal with Him.  I have to let God do what He wants to do and keep in my mind that it is not ME that is doing this it is GOD.  It is not my idea for restoration it is God’s… He didn’t and won’t ask me to do it for Him…

As I woke up this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks… I have peace.  I really do.  I am not in a swirl of emotions.  I survived seeing him, talking to him, and things not being how I wanted them… and I have peace.

WOW!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Ephesians 3:20

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This.

So, I’m not feeling angry…

…and that is a good thing.  Right?

Instead I feel pain. 

So, those are my choices? 

Hurt & Rejection or Anger & Bitterness.

The other night I was reading another portion of the book From Battle Scars to Beauty Marks by Ellie Lofaro…

“At that point, I didn’t hate him anymore.  I actually felt nothing for him.  I had no feelings whatsoever.  I didn’t hate him; I didn’t anything him.  That is really the opposite of love, by the way, not having any feelings for anybody.  Hatred means you are really tied in with very strong love and disappointment in the person you still have such deep feelings for. But you are so hurt you hate them.  I didn’t feel anything.”

Okay, so when you put it that way, I guess it is a good thing that I have these feelings.  I don’t want to be numb.  I don’t want to stop caring. 

But, I also don’t want to have to fight the mental battle between anger & love each time I am in the presence of someone.

God? Am I destined to live out this waiting time with all these feelings raging through me?  Is there no other way?

I had peace the other evening when HSSH showed up (not alone once again) at Zach’s game.  I had to fight for it, self talking, the whole time.  But, I did have peace.  My body did not react with physical anxiety.

The next day though, I was just so sad.  Hurt by the betrayal again.  Hurt by the smile on his face.  Hurt that he appears so happy and well adjusted.

Anyone walking by would have thought nothing negative about him.  He’s that smooth.

I, of course, know the truth.  I know the unresolved issues he is dealing with .  I know the financial issues.  The lack of contact he’s had with his children.  The job issues.  I know that you can’t build healthy relationships with people with all the unresolved things going on in your life.  Let alone the fact that you have turned your back on the God you made a covenant to serve!

Can you feel the conflict of emotions I am dealing with? 

God, help me.  Teach me to give them to You.  Help me survive this.

Beth Moore really hit it on the head for me once again this morning too…

It’s Tough Being a Woman who can Balance Passion with Patience…

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the LORD is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him.”  --Isaiah 30:18

Longing & waiting in this verse are the same Hebrew Word.  ‘The Lord Waits…blessed are all those who wait’

You don’t wait alone.  Longing is part of the waiting.  It wouldn’t be a wait without the longing. 

I found real freedom in the realization, THE LORD IS WAITING TOO!

When your prayer request waits, He’s waiting too.  There is something the wait is for.

It’s tough being a woman—but it is trust that turns it around!

Somehow, God is going to get this whole waiting & trusting bit through my thick skull… and you my beloved readers & friends get to join me in the journey… thanks.

In a couple hours I have another counseling session.  Maybe I’ll get a few more of these wild thoughts tamed! 

Pam

I Just realized God is answering a prayer.

I also just realized that I am not real happy with “how” things are being played out, as God answers the prayer! 

Can I laugh at myself?

Sorta?

For almost the whole time HSSH has been gone, I have been telling him that he needed to be the one that made the effort with the kids.  He needed to be the one that came and was a part of their busy lives, not expecting them to be a part of his “new” life (90 miles away from them)

This morning I realized something.  In the past week, HSSH has suddenly started making more effort than he has made in over 3 years with his kids.

That is an answer to prayer.  That is God.

So, why do I find myself feeling angry and upset by it?

Is it because it doesn’t look quite like I had imagined it would?

Is it because instead of embracing me and saying “you were right about this, Pam”.  He appears to be even angrier at me than ever.  (maybe because he hates that I was right?)

I am not finding the satisfaction in being right about this that I wanted to find.

Instead I am finding the pain of rejection.  Rejection of me.  As he embraces our kids.  I find it hard to handle.

I know it is right that he does this.  I know it is God’s Hand that is allowing this. Help me Jesus to not grow bitter.  Please Help Me Jesus to deal with the jealous feelings I have.

Maybe part of me got real comfortable with the “new normal” we were living.  And change is hard again?  Him living his life and us living ours was so much simpler.  Not that it was right.

The news is that HSSH has told the kids he will be coming to Zach’s game tonight at 5:30.

You know we need your prayers.

God Help Me to Keep Praying Your Will and Not Mine.  Help me to Walk Out Your Will…

I shared something I read yesterday on my blog Standing too.

Thank you.

Pam

More about Standing today…

Today I was putting a book away on the shelf and noticed another book.  I thought, did I ever read that book?  And I opened it to find I had indeed read it and underlined in it… I can’t remember when I read it, I know it was after HSSH left, but it’s been awhile.  I think I will read it again.

The page I opened to said this.  And I will underline what I had underlined in the book…

Oh yeah, the book is called. From Battle Scars to Beauty Marks by Ellie Loraro  “Portrais of Women Who turned Trials into Triumphs” (it says on the cover)

So, anyway, page 58, in the chapter titled “Joan: Waiting on God”

“I heard from God, ‘I am the I AM.  Press on. Press in.’  For the longest time all I kept hearing in my spirit was ‘Press’.  That is not exactly what you want to hear when you say, ‘God speak to me.  I’m tired.  I’m weary in my heart and my bones.’  But, it is what I needed to do, to press, to push, to stand.  In the midst of it, He has met me at every turn, granted strength for the day, and even given me a sense of humor.  And who doesn’t need a good laugh?

When you have put it all on (the armor of God), and you have prayed your heart out, and you have fasted your gut out, there is not a whole lot left to do but stand.  And it is all about timing and seasons.  Through the years and the tears I’ve learned that I’ve just got to stand.  I don’t have to do it well—I learned that too.  I just have to stand.

Now, when you are not pressing, you are standing.  But, I guess they are really intertwined.  Pressing sounds more active, but there are times that the pressing is emotional rather than physical.  I have to keep on keeping on.  It’s a decision; it’s a choice.  It’s okay to fall apart in the midst of it, but then you get back up.  It’s the ‘I fall down, I get up; I fall down, I get up’ approach to life.

I PROMISE I didn’t write that!  Someone else has lived a roller coaster of waiting on God like me.  God You are so Good to show me this!

Pam

In a swirl of emotions

This morning my friend mommaof4wife2r @ A Thorn Among Roses, Twittered about this post...  I needed to hear this song this morning too…

This morning in my journal, I wrote that I hate admitting that I am still in this much pain over my divorce.  I hate admitting that I need more healing.  I hate admitting that this may be just as much about me getting to where God wants me as it is HSSH getting to where God wants him.

I’ve been meeting with a counselor once a week again.  I think in a way that frustrates me.  I want to be healed.  I don’t want to be here anymore.

… and this song just makes me cry… that’s where I am… and I know with all my heart… He is with me…

Pam

Turn it around God…

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

Lord, bring clarity to my mind…

I sit here with the now familiar tingle that I get when I know that I must put words to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths, lies, and experiences that have been going on behind the blog this week…

You may have wondered what was happening for real, if you read my post on Thursday…. or if you read my Twitters, you knew some things were going on and I was dealing with them…

What happened to make me feel shattered again?  What was that letter I twittered about from HSSH?  How did I really feel about James first college visit?  What about the counseling this week? 

I sit here on Sunday morning in awe that so much went on this week.  That my emotions were all over the place.  That God brought me so much healing.  And that the pain of watching someone fall so far still goes on…

Rewinding back to the beginning of the week…Easter Sunday, HSSH called our house and left a message while we were in church.  There was not a doubt, and know one had to be told, that he had called at a time when he knew that no one would be home.  We go to the same church, with the same hours, that we went to all the years he lived with us as our husband and father… no one said anything about calling him back, and we moved on…

On Tuesday, James called his dad to invite him to a track meet.  Because James knows that if the sporting event is close to his dad’s house, at a certain school, his dad will come.  James told me after the call was made that he had made it. 

He also told me that HSSH had written a letter to his 6 kids.

I try really hard not to say anything that is bad mouthing or that I wouldn’t want HSSH to read if he ever found my blog, or read it one day… I don’t think that there would be any argument in his mind (today there would be, but not if he ever reads this with a healed mind) that HSSH is still falling, falling, falling… and with that the things that He does that are painful to watch, and effect us, just keep coming.

The letter came on Wednesday.  I opened it.  Planning to take it with me to counseling the next day, and ask for advice on how to handle it.  The letter was no surprise to me.  I had heard him say everything that the letter said before.  But, this time I am supposed to let my kids read it? 

See, when someone is falling they will find anyone to blame for the direction they are going, as long as it is not themselves.  And if it has to become a situation that the blame falls on innocent children… then that falling person ignorantly, blindly, desperately lets that happen.

So, I have this letter.  I am appalled.  I am stressing.  I am questioning.  I am screaming… remember the "shattered" post.  That is then.

James, on the other hand, is not home. School to track meet.  James starts texting me from the track meet.  Telling me about his time in the 110 hurdles, where he cut a whole second from his time, and only  missed 1st place by .2 seconds (don’t miss that decimal point!)

My inquiring mind of course wanted to know if his dad showed up.  He had. 

I told James I was glad for him that his dad came.  I also told James that the letter that his dad had told him about had come in the mail.

James said, “do me a favor and throw it away”

What?

My first reaction was, NO WAY!  You are not going to be ignorant of this man’s doings if you are going to invite him to be a part of your life! 

My second reaction was relief.  Well, if James wants it thrown away then I guess I won’t have to show it to the rest of the kids will I?

Suddenly, I could see it.  The hand of God.  The reality that even when I didn’t feel Him.  When I was kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum very parallel in thought if not in action to my daughters the week before, God DID have things under control.  He knew how He would protect my kids.

By the time James got home I was completely in agreement with the “throw it away” plan.  But, I knew that if it happened, James had to be the one to do it, and not me.  I told him so, and he walked to the trash can and threw it in.

Again, my 17 year old is showing more maturity than his 38 year old father. 

Peace.

Another storm calmed.

The next day when I went to counseling, she was in full agreement with how things had been handled with the letter. 

James had even told me that HSSH had said he was “feeling dumb” about the letter since James called him before James even read it…

YA THINK!!

Grrrrrrr

In watching the video study of Esther, Thursday morning, I felt God’s voice speaking to me once again.  This was session six.  Beth was calling the events that were happening in the sixth chapter of Esther a “reversal of destiny”.

“A reversal of destiny:  However it appears the events are going.  God picks it up turns it around, and you have to say ‘That has to be God’”

Where I see us with this whole journey is at a place like that.  Somehow God is going to have to create some event in HSSH’s life that is going to literally pick him up, turn him around 180 degrees and set him on a different course.  I confess, I don’t see it happening any other way.  I also confess, I doubt it ever happening.  I guess that is why Beth says “you will have to say ‘That has to be God.’”

Yesterday, I received in the mail another blow.  This time from the prosecuting attorney’s office.  A year of unemployment for HSSH is up, and it seems until he finds employment we won’t be getting any child support.

That is really hard to stomach. 

There is so much room for bitterness and anger with just this topic alone.

God has been so good to provide for us in all ways.  The church HE has us in sees us, and they give to us more than we could ever deserve.  God knows.  God provides.  God will not leave us.

While the temptation to verbally drive HSSH into the ground for the past weeks’ events is huge… please don’t go there.  It helps no one.  Especially not us.

I confess that I don’t understand the why’s of all of this.  But, I do feel God’s presence and know that in Him, all things will work together for good.  Even when we can’t see.  I know, because going on 4 years now, He has never once let me down.

MckMama wrote a post yesterday called Transparency.  I can relate so well to her words, regardless of our very differing circumstances.  Hoping that you can relate to my words regardless of our different paths.

“He wants me, and my life, and this blog, to bring Him glory.” –MckMama

I pray that as you read this today, it brings God glory for being the ONE who is ABLE to bring us through hard, long, unfair, unimaginable, circumstances.  That is the purpose. 

GLORY TO GOD!!

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

Who Me? “Shattered”?

A couple of days ago I read a post by a fellow divorced-single mom-walking with God through the pain, Linda…

“Mostly, it feels pretty whole. But, there are days and moments when it feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces. I trust that God knows where each of the fragments belong, and that His hands won't get all tied up in super glue. I wonder, if He, too, puts the big pieces together first, and then comes back for the detail work.”

I was moved to tears by her words, because I get it.  I feel that way sometimes too.  In fact I was feeling that way then.

Not only that, I also feel like I am this stubborn, rebellious, angry, impatient child… and as He puts the fragmented pieces of my life back together, sometimes I just look at Him with frustration, grab all my pieces in haste, look at Him with this nasty expression… you know the one…

And I want to scream!!!!!  YOU ARE TOO SLOW!!!  I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!  THAT HURTS, DO YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!  I DON’T LIKE THIS!!!  IT’S TAKING TOO LONG!!!  AHHHHHH!!!!!  I want to kick. Scream. Hit. Make it all about me.

Maybe that is why I have the children I do.

I have so much to learn.

So as He holds on to me, while I kick, scream, flail, and would fall out of the grocery cart if not for His hands gently holding on to me.  All the while thinking that what I am so upset about is so huge, He sees the bigger picture.  He had control all the time.  All I could see is that I wanted to be out of the grocery cart, or maybe that was Kiahna at Wal-Mart last week, I am so confused now.

“ for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.”

--Psalm 103:14

Pam

Originally Published at You're Gonna Miss This

How are you doing?

At the end of last week, a long time friend responded to an e-mail I had sent about the kids asking how I am doing…

You would not believe my response…

How am I doing?

I have no idea how I am doing.

How AM I doing?

God?  How am I doing?

I am humbled and horrified at the answer that has come from asking that question.  I am horrified because I can tend to believe that I have things all under control, I am humbled because I don’t.

I’d been feeling like I was arguing with God over the issue of fasting.  I would go to make my coffee in the morning and hear, “you really should be fasting that today”… most of the time I’d ignore it.  Then I would feel guilty about it.

But, I would say to God, if you want me fasting, please show me in a way other than just convicting me when I go for that sweet cup that comforts me so much.  He didn’t.

I found myself dealing with thoughts of failure.  Thoughts of not praying enough.  Not fasting enough.  Never seeing my prayers answered in my lifetime because I couldn’t be enough.

The last phone conversation I had had with HSSH had left me discouraged.  It had been so hard to hear his angry words again.  I read a great book by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs,  I Do Again… I loved the book and found much encouragement… but still heard that voice telling me that our circumstances are so much worse and so much more impossible than theirs were…

But, my life is busy enough that I didn’t even realize most of this until someone asked me this question of how I am doing… and then it took some time.

On Saturday I took a drive into town, alone, no phone, no radio.  Me & God… I asked Him how I was doing and I felt like the answer was “You aren’t resting… What I have promised in HSSH will be done.  You are to rest”.

Oh yeah, I thought… but maybe that is just me thinking that and not really God… God will you show me if this is You?

I mentioned to a couple people over the weekend that I wished that if God was really going to restore HSSH that HE would just do it and let me alone about it all for now.

My head is thick.

Beth Moore… She’s been speaking to me for weeks now in the study of Esther… I couldn’t hear much of what God was trying to say.  I would think, “yeah, I’ve felt that”.  But, didn’t see that I had begun feeling and doing it again.

Monday was the day that God finally opened my eyes…

I had taken Kiahna and Jadon to preschool.  I was behind in my schedule, and didn’t get done at Walmart before I had to go pick them up.  So, I checked out with the things I had, and just told myself that I’d go back after I picked them up. I didn’t have that much more to get, and it would just be fine.

It started out fine.  Then Kiahna threw a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE temper tantrum.  I bucked through it, refusing to let her “win”.  Thinking the whole time that she was not going to control the world like this.  I mean she was acting like a one year old… it was horrific.  People were staring.  Bad.  Her shoes and coat were flying… get the picture?

I held it together until we got in the van and started home.  She had finally stopped.  I called my parents to take Kiahna for awhile so I could get a break (read: before I did something I’d regret forever) (thank GOD I hadn’t already)

I called our counseling office for an appointment. 

We got into counseling that afternoon.  Kiahna & I both went.  It ended up being a tiny bit of time praying & talking with Kiahna, & a whole lot of time talking & praying about me.

This is when my eyes opened up again to the control I had tried to take over the circumstances I am living in. This is when I realized I was so frustrated with God’s slowness.  I was spinning all these plates, not knowing how to make it stop…

Beth put in this way… and I had heard it on Thursday, but didn’t hear it til Monday…

“The stronger I feel about something the more I want to see it happen.  And when I don’t see God moving, I want to step in and volunteer to help” 

Maybe it was this one too…

"We lose our strength when we wait on the event, on the person, on the thing.  But, if you’re waiting on the Lord you’ll renew your strength. If all we are doing is waiting on the thing were depleted day after day.”  --Beth Moore, Esther, Video 5

Humbled to know that I had lost all focus… was trying to DO enough myself to somehow produce a miracle in HSSH’s life… I was being told NOT BY GOD to fast more, pray more, be more… because I wouldn’t get a miracle until I did…

How sweet freedom tastes again… How sweet my coffee tastes again… knowing I am to rest.  God is doing a good work.  I am to wait for it…

Interesting that the continuing topic in the Esther study is… “It’s though being a woman who can balance patience with passion”

Pam

Originally published on You're Gonna Miss This,  April 9, 2009